22 Things A Woman Must Know?: If She Loves an Aspie Man

Post Reply New Topic

I read this book cover to cover. I'd say a lot of it is accurate, BUT...

There is one thing I should mention.

Not all guys with AS will have all 22 of these traits. Some NT women may assume that all Aspie guys have all of those traits. In reality, that's not the case.

An average Aspie guy might have half of them. I only had 9 or 10 of those traits.

She could have made it clearer in this book.

I looked this book up once on Amazon, actually, to see if some of the advice could prove helpful for partners in understanding me (don't think it translates across gender lines, though...) and all the commentary was from the most hateful women who were in relationships with Aspie men (of their own choice, mind you) and it was a huge whinefest of them ranting about their spouses/partners, and patting each other on the back, saying to stay strong, because their MEN were the weird ones, they were NORMAL. Most of them seem convinced that Aspies are sociopathic sadists of some sort. Everywhere I've gone online to read about this book, the comments are all the same, oddly. It really upset me, how hateful these women were.

One in particular was a woman "at the end of her rope" who apparently has a daughter on the spectrum (whom she called "infected with Autism") and her "plight" in dealing with an Aspie husband and child, who had apparently been suffering meltdowns and shutdowns, respectively, most obviously brought on by this fascist's attempt to terroristically impose her dogma about how to behave "normally" on the whole family. Then she had the nerve to become jealous that the daughter sought out her father rather than her.


I'll shut up. Just wanted to share. I don't know why this book seems to bring out all these women.

Wasn't there another thread (or a necrothread) on this forum a few months back bashing this book?

Is there something about it that is particularly negative?
The book, I mean?

only 2 things:

1. people could easily misinterpret the list as an expectation rather than a possibility.

2. the author makes no caveat about it

It's not necessary. It's implicit, fundamentally a given, that every individual is different and unique. In addition, anyone motivated to read it probably loves a man with AS, and already knows him very well, and so will be able to immediately identify the relevant traits, and skim past the others. Also, notice that some of the chapter titles are "he will" versus "he may," or use the words "probably" and "many."

Overall, by the time I read it, I didn't find it all that helpful. I'd already known my guy for many years, and was aware from day 1 that something was different. REALLY different. I'd also read a lot of the scientific literature before I went in for these type of informal, anecdotal self-help type books. I wanted to know how it worked internally, before I cared to read about anyone else's external perception of it. A few traits in this book were so far off the mark, the idea of my guy being like that made me laugh out loud. There were also a few glaring gaps that that surprised me, based on my own experience. But that only reinforces his uniqueness.

Mainly it was validating to know that I was not alone in my experiences. There's no nice way to say it: being the NT partner can feel intensely lonely and isolating sometimes, compared to what we're used to in relationships with other NTs. I think just knowing we're not alone is the main utility in books like this.

Thanks for bringing this up... I was actually thinking about buying this book!

Nearly all of the DSM-IV criteria apply to me, so a clinician would would say I am a typical Aspergian, but at the same time, I have been a community leader and a retail manager; I usually attend social events when asked, I read social cues well (when I bother to do so), and most people tend to like me. I've never been in special programs in school and never received no accommodations at work... So, whenever I've entered into relationships, I've always made a point of coming out about my Asperger's early on so that my potential boyfriends (I'm gay) will know what we are getting into.

However, thanks to a popular media filled with amateur psychologist, my dates tend to have a lot of misconceptions about Asperger's (mostly negative) and since I don't appear to be what they expect, I almost have to show a membership card to prove it.

Many times I've heard people on the spectrum say that if you've met one person with Asperger's, then you've met one person with Asperger's. We are all VERY different form one another and though we all meet the clinical criteria, everything else about us can very greatly. Yet, many self-proclaimed experts (who may mean well) want to paint us all with the same broad stroke and it does very little to promote acceptance or understanding.

Yup! I remember that thread.

My Mum has the 22 Things book and also another by Maxine Aston called 'The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome'. I've read both of them so I can try and support her and we both preferred the Maxine Aston book. I felt it was a little more in depth, and perhaps a little less negative.

I've also got the '22 Things a Women with Aspergers wants her partner to know' book by Rudy Simone, and I found that helpful and so did my boyfriend. Having read both I felt that the one about women was a lot less pessimistic than the one about AS men.

Just to clarify, in case you are wondering what is going on with all this book reading - I am a woman seeking an AS diagnosis. Autism was suggested as an explanation when I was a child but nothing was followed up. My Mum started reading up on AS to support me, which is when we came to realise that my Dad has AS traits.

Thanks. I hope you find what you are looking for.

Maybe I will still check out this book. I'm not sure. My boyfriend is an Aspie and we've been looking for some books and other things to help us along (which is how I ended up here lol).

I think it's worth reading as much as you can, I didn't mean to completely put you off the book. Maxine Aston also does a couples workbook which might be useful if you want to work on something together. We didn't buy that one, so I'm not sure what it's like.

I think I may have my books mixed up In my defense, both had the words "22 Things" in it and were written by the same author Confusing...

Oh no, it's quite alright! I just didn't want to waste money on the book if it isn't really helpful. I will still check it out!



No big deal! This author has written a couple of different books about relationships so it's easy to see how you got confused.

I was thinking of getting 22 Things, but instead I got The Other Half of Asperger's Syndrome which was a really good book for starting out. There's tons of good books out there that are of use. I have read plenty which were really informative, there's a new one out there called Loving Someone With Asperger's Syndrome written by Cindy Ariel that I'm reading right now. That book is definately worth a read and has definately helped a lot I have read lots and lots of books, so if anyone would like some recommendations, please feel free to message me and I'll be happy to tell you which ones are good that I've read.

Messaging you now! Thanks!