She Wants Kids; I can't have Kids

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I have been married for two years now. The story behind us is very long, I'm only twenty-four. However, she's probably the only woman who has put up with me. I'm what they consider a robot, I rarely show emotion in my face, I find it hard to sometimes comprehend emotions. There was a time where we had a rocky moment before we were actually married. But she stuck, cause she finds my brain interesting. I have always explained to her that I have been asexual. I do not have romantic relationships with the physical body, I have romantic relationships with people's intellect. Which makes love different. She said she'd be patient with me and that she try because she always have been patient with me. However, we come to the point that she wants kids. Me and her before we were married have been together for three years. I can't have kids. Not that I have a physical disability, just well one I do not enjoy love [sex?] making. It's not very comfortable to watch on television nor is it something I ever really wanted to experience. Truthfully, I like being the way I am.

She's never really had a problem with that aspect. So she tried opening up other options, such as surrogacy or adoption. I don't want to deal with adoption because I don't want a child who's probably seven colored rainbows of strange as I am. It's hard enough to deal with myself and a child with behavioral issues of their own would send me into a spiral cascading hell. And I find surrogacy somewhat awkward and am not sure of the details myself. The thing with adoption is that I have had bad experience, granted because I am adopted and I turned out to be seven colored rainbows of strange for my parents. There are other experiences, not ones I am willing to disclose.

At current we're both frustrated. She's made several hints of what she wants. Leaving baby clothing magazines out. I understand the hint now only because of the context of our disagreement. I wouldn't say argument, I don't like raising my voice.

Does anyone have experience with this? What would be the suggestion? Should we compromise?

All though in all fairness, before we married I made it clear to her that I did not want children. I am perfectly happy with the ideal of growing old and dying without a legacy to fill in my missing shoes.

I would go to one of those community things where you help some kids in a project (Youth Group) and see if that changes your mind about raising kids.

If not, you should let her know your feelings straight away and ask where to go from there.

Sorry, I'm not that helpful today...but I hope it helps you in some way.

You can't have babies because you don't want to have sex? Have you though about artificial insemination? The problem is the price, having sex is cheaper.

I rather not pay for a child either. I know it may sound odd to you, but yes No babies because I don't want sex. Only because I have never envisioned sex, it's this awkward thing that I don't find myself doing any time soon at all. And babies and children are off the topic of conversation because I don't want to cook a baby either. Babies do not make me all warm and fuzzy and physical contact does not make me all warm and fuzzy. Thing is as stated I do not picture people for their bodies, I picture them for their minds. So people are a bit transparent to me.

I have found artificial insemination almost like making soup or something, it's an awkward thought yes. But it's there. And I do not like the prospect of the others either. I suppose we could go the good old necrophiliac way. I could just lie there like a corpse while she did what she needed. [that was a joke]

You basically pointed out you wanted to be child-free before you married her. She either accepted this and changed her mind or thought you would change your mind. You didn't. I don't see a compromise. It's either have kids and you're unhappy, don't have kids and she's resentful, or divorce and move on. Sadly, divorce may be the best option if you both feel strongly about your positions.

I think that children deserve parents who want them. And if you don't want children (as I don't) - then you really shouldn't even consider having them. It wouldn't be fair to the child, to grow up in a situation where it's not wanted.

The decision might end up being your wife's... Whether she wants to stay with you, and remain childless, or break up at this point so she can be free to have a child with someone else.

I'm sorry if that sounded cold, I didn't mean for it to... But yeah, it's my opinion that if you don't want to take on the responsibility of raising a child, then you really shouldn't.

I absolutely agree with you. You are not being harsh because this is something brought up. We don't want to divorce, that's for sure. Maybe I shouldn't say we, I certainly don't. I do enjoy her company and have dreams about her and I staying old together. I really think the issue lies somewhere else, imo. Her sister recently started a family of her own, with a child. And my wife's family was never to kind about sibling "success". However, I have tried to express this in the kindest manner I can. I am still not sure yet if it was appropriate to make an assumption, however, it seems to be the only logical explanation that suddenly children came on the table.

I agree, if you don't want kids, then you shouldn't have them. You did the right thing ahead of time when you told your then future wife that you didn't want to be physical, and that you didn't want kids. I do believe, like some of the other posters, that she either changed her mind later on, or didn't think you really meant it, or thought that you would change your mind later on, with or without help from her. What you need to do now is to tell your wife, as nicely as possible, that you meant it when you said prior to marriage, that you didn't want kids, and that you are not going to change your mind. Then you need to tell her that if she really wants kids, that it is best for the two of you to go your separate ways, so she can find a man willing to have kids.

I know it will be hard to deal with her leaving if that is the choice she makes, but kids need parents who want them.

I knew by the time that I was 8 years old that I never wanted to get married or have kids. I am now in my early 50s, and I never changed my mind, so I never married, and never had kids. I knew I would make a terrible wife, and a terrible mother. I also knew that I absolutely didn't want to be a wife or a mother, either. I do not regret the choice I made. I am also glad that I didn't mess up a spouse's or children's lives by being a screwed up, and unhappy part of a marital family.

Now go have that frank discussion with your wife. It will be painful for both of you, but avoiding it will only delay the inevitable, and won't make it any easier to deal with later on.

If you do not want children, you shouldn't have them. If she wants children, she should have them with someone else. If you wouldn't mind having children with her, then give her some of your sperm and she can use an apparatus such as a turkey baster to inseminate herself.

On another note, I doubt you are actually asexual. You likely have just not encountered an individual you are biologically attracted to yet.

this seems to be a big issue for both of you.

have you even experimented with sex at all? i mean.. it seems to me like you could, AT THE VERY LEAST, try it out. its not about you not being super excited about it, its about you trying it. you clearly love her, and she loves you. she would likely understand that you felt awkward about the whole thing, and try to make it enjoyable for you. who knows, you might even like having sex!

are you against having kids? i mean.. could you just 'deal' with sex and help her have the child that she so desires?

also, is she ok with a sexless relationship? i think most of the time this would REALLY strain the relationship, and at the very least its not optimal in terms of the overall health of the relationship.

The children thing is a deal-breaker for many couples. I think it is unfair of her to start doing this to you now when you've made it clear you don't want them (Assuming it was clear).

Unfortunately, the instinct to reproduce can be very strong for many people and this may not be something she is willing to live with out. If that is the case, you may have no choice but to part ways.


In my marriage, I do not want kids but he does. However, I have made it clear to him on many occasions that I will never carry a child and there is absolutely nothing he can do to change my mind. He would rather stay with me than leave for that reason but I know that he does want to pass on his genes. I've told him that if he finds another woman willing to carry his child he is welcome to it and I'd be willing to stick around too if wanted.. but I doubt that scenario is likely to come to pass since he's an aspie and doesn't connect well with women. But that is his issue to deal with because my stand is clear. If he wanted to leave me for it then he'd just have to leave me. I will not consider carrying a child in my womb or having it feed from me and that's just all there is to it.

Just wanted to add that I understand the heartache involved, when you're in a loving relationship but have a difference in life goals, that ends up being a dealbreaker. I was happily married for 14 years, but I also have an aversion to sex, and although my husband loved me in every other way, and we had bonded as a couple, and couldn't imagine not being together... The sex was a dealbreaker for him, and we had to split up.

It absolutely sucks, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. I certainly hope that in this case, you guys can work things out, and your wife will decide to be happy with all the wonderful things you two have together, rather than lamenting what you don't have. It takes a mindset of focusing on the positive rather than the negative, and seeing the glass as half full rather than half empty. I hope your wife can see it that way

I don't know how old you are, but if you both still have a few more years of fertility in you, you might want to reflect very carefully on whether or not you might change your mind in time.

I'd try to get a little experience looking after young kids if possible, just very short spells, with somebody there to pass the kid back to, and see if such experiences are tolerable.

If it's any help, I read that pupil-dilation experiments show that most men who are not fathers don't like babies or young children much, but fathers generally do, so I reckon something changes, and that was my experience.

I was dead against having children when I was younger, but I mellowed enough to give in to a partner's strong wishes when I was older. Frankly I didn't know what had hit me when the baby was born. I felt trapped, every time I put him down he'd wake and cry, and I couldn't get on with anything of my own because he was there. My identity seemed to be dissolving. But for some reason I never took it out on our child, and turned out to be a fairly good father....I cared about what he wanted, as he once put it. And I was sad when our time together was reduced at the various stages of life, like leaving home, moving further away, as he became independent. I spent a few years with a strong sense of pining for the past when he was the little boy playing on the carpet. So in the end I had become powerfully attached to what had originally been a terrible assault on my individuality.

You might be able to negotiate a "VIctorian father" deal where you don't have to spend a lot of time with any child you have. It wasn't uncommon for men in those days to have very little to do with babies and young kids. You'd probably want a room that was private from the child. You'd also need to deal with losing a lot of your partner's attention to the child, if you couldn't share much of the rearing. You might find you'd be able to take an interest from a distance, and give at least moral support to your partner, and probably quite a bit of practical support as well - buying baby stuff, doing a few more chores to ease your partner's work burden. Direct involvement isn't the only way to share things.

I do think that when one partner wants kids and the other doesn't, it's often a big problem. That's why I'm suggesting all these ways of compromising.

His issue isn't about whether he wants kids or not, it's about how he isn't willing/able to concieve via normal or medical methods.

Would you consider making it an open relationship? If there's no sex involved I'm wondering how your sexually driven wife might feel, if there's nothing sexual going on for a few years I'd imagine she'd get frustrated. You can do the husband stuff, promiscuity can do the rest, or something.

About the kids? I don't know, I suppose ToughDiamond talks quite a bit of sense about looking after other people's kids first. Though I'm all for dads having more involvement than looking on from a distance.
I think for the marriage to work there needs to be some sacrifices, if you really don't want to conceive she can always get sperm donors. Lots of kids are surprises or a hard decision and their parents still love them and the kids turn out fine.

Though of course if your goals are that different for a long time then I suppose divorce is on the cards, while I sympathise with you I sympathise just as much with your wife.

Turkey baster method.