The Magic Key....

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Is there some sort of magical key out there that will suddenly unlock the door to social success.... (and therefore dating ?)

I have always felt like I was massively clued out on this big secret that all of the other normal people out there take for granted....

To me, it just feels like normal people can instantly hook up, flirt, and get into relationships without even trying. I am 28 and no girl has EVER agreed to go on a date with me. (needless to say i have never kissed or engaged in sexual relations of any kind).

To me, it feels like normal people are instantly in this giant secret club, where they can all talk with each-other freely, and can easily pick each-other up for relationships.

I CURSE the fact that I am permanently exiled from this world of happiness ! !! All I seriously want is for just ONE girl to show a real, serious interest in me...


(ok, rant over)

Dating is challenging for EVERYONE... its filled with risk of rejection.
The only situation where "normal people can instantly hook up, flirt, and get into relationships without even trying" is the fantasy land of TV, be that drama or 'reality TV'.
Or
The lucky minority who have it all.

I like Charlie Brookers take on love 'How TV Ruined Your Life s01e04 Love':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cm5pf1uRyYE

Tokename is correct - dating is hard for everyone. I would suggest that you may want to get involved in a group that helps adults on the spectrum socialize with each other. It can be easier to relate to someone who already understands some of the social difficulties you may have.

I know it can be hard, but I think the same advice is true for people no matter who you are - you need to get involved in something you enjoy, a hobby or volunteering or something else. In that situation you will meet others who have at least one interest you share and can build a friendship from there. Friendship is the best foundation for romance (or at least the most lasting) The stuff you see in the movies and on television is not realistic - it doesn't really happen like that.

Real life is much messier.

Good Luck

Be yourself AND go spend time at safe places you like.

Don't enter the NT game.

Pray to God to give you a partner.

Some ''normal'' people find it hard to find dates too. My brother is in his mid-20s and can't seem to find a girlfriend, even though he goes out and talks to a lot of girls. And he is NT. He does get miserable about never being asked out on a date. He gets very miserable about it.

I'm Aspie but have had a lot of experiences with flirting and being asked out on a date by men and I've repeatedly been told how beautiful I am - even though I give off this standoffish vibe otherwise and find it hard to make friends. Ah, the mysteries of life.

But I know what you mean. It seems most NT people end up married and you wonder how they met them and how they've stayed together. But there's also a lot of people that have split up and are single. My mum and dad have been split for about 10 years now, and neither of them have found anyone else to date. Yes, my NT family are quite lonely people.

It's a mystery to me too.

(Thread moved from Autism discussion to L&D)

Wa5p I feel like that too. I think it's because we don't have front row seats to what happens. All these conversations and connections happen in private. What conversations do they have? What do they say? What happens to make them realize they like each other more than friends? How do they take it further? How do they decide that they want to live together? I don't know.

I hear of people getting together and I wonder how it happened. It seems like a mystery to me because I've never been in a relationship. Sometimes I am surprized when I find out two people I know are getting married. I wonder how they got to that point.

Well, I have no advice, but you are not alone. We understand.

If anything, it's "fame and fortune" -- rich celebrities rarely seem concerned with being socially successful.

For the rest of us, it mostly involves:

• Good personal hygiene
  
• College or University education
  
• Gratifying and stable career
  
• Generosity / Hospitality
  
• Expressive talent (dancing, music, painting, poetry, et cetera)
  
• An optimistic and up-beat attitude (i.e. no complaints or melt-downs)
  
• A place to live (all your own)
  
• Reliable transportation (all your own)
  
• Fashionable clothing
  
• Accessibility and attention to others

That seems to cover most of what is needed, unless you've just won a major award (i.e. "Emmy", lottery, "Oscar", Nobel Peace Prize, et cetera).

Physical attractiveness isn't one of them? I guess it explains why most of the general-population is ugly and also in relationships.

Not really. Beauty is as beauty does.


It certainly does. I look like Gargamel's grandpa, yet my wife thinks I'm the "best man in the world", simply because I treat her like God's own blessing to me. Physical beauty fades, but memories of how one has been treated last a lifetime.

According to a lot of conversations in threads on WP, it's only Aspies and Autistics that are the ones who have talents and college or university education, and NTs are the ''stupid'' ones what are just happy just living in squalor and having no educational degree, as long as they have friends and are always on the go socialising nothing else matters.
That's not what I believe, but it's what I thought some Aspies here believed about NTs.

Then they are wrong, and can easily be ignored.

Not really. I roomed with a guy who came back to our dorm with a different woman at will. It's a combination of charisma and not being ugly.

the biggest impediment to having a successful social life is being concerned with some arbitrary bar of "success" in your social life. People are attracted to people who make them feel good. If you stress out about not having a girlfriend or enough friends you will shoot yourself in the foot every time. For girls going on a date is a casual affair. Sure they think about it but mostly they watch netflicks or do what they would normally do. If it works out: great. If it doesn't work out... well f**k but not a big deal. Dates are just something to do to pass the time.

Now, if you are anything like I can be, that is not how you approach a date at all. I sometimes catching myself thinking: This is such a wonderful, beautiful person who will make me happy! *cue unicorn farting a rainbow.* Now, if that sounds a bit like the preamble to wedding vows... well it could probably serve. All that emotional s**t is supposed to come later. In order: dating addresses boredom, dating 1 person addresses trust, having a relationship addresses emotion and then sex. Unless you are addressing boredom with sex in which case emotion and trust are a non-factor.

If you try to start the relationship by addressing emotion you are just going to be wayyy to intense. because at that stage of the relationship emotion is not your responsibility. You should not be "happy" on a date, you should be amused. If you are looking for anything more than amusement you will likely get nothing. You also need to provide amusement, since that is what your date is there for.

Some people are going around specifically to find love, but you still need to fill their needs in the order stated. When you are first dating you are just a distraction. And that is perfectly fine. You just need to be a damn good distraction and you will get to be distracting more often. If you come in thinking the other person is going to solve your emotional issues or vice-versa it's like trying to cross a river in one step when there are perfectly good stepping stones to follow if you would just take your time. The end result of overstepping is getting dumped.

This, for the win!

The more a person obsesses about being "popular", the more likely they are to sabotage their social lives. Also, the more anxious a person is about getting a relationship going, the less likely they are to even start one.

These are not hard-and-fast rules, but they do seem to prevail.