How to break the desperation cycle?

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I'm desperate, I turn off women with it, I become even more desperate. While more and more of my peers find the loves of their lives. Some of my cousins are a few years younger than me and MARRIED. WITH KIDS. So as I try to become more comfortable as a single person, I'm swimming upstream against aging and falling further behind my peers. Also, since I want children, there's the menopause clock ticking as well and I can't limit myself to women 10 years or more my junior when I'm 45 or 50.

There's good reason to be turned off by desperation too: someone who is desperate would likely jump into a relationship with you without actually determining if you're compatible, and this most likely creates false love.

As far as I can tell there is no way to effectively hide desperation either. It shows, and it's like I glow green with it.

We have a term in Britain that is used a lot these days, so here it goes: Keep Calm and Carry on.

It means just get on with your life until you find a woman who IS comparable with you.

Despite my crap record with woman (not for one without trying on occasion), I don't really care about such things in life since I want to enjoy what the world has to offer me NOW!

Sometimes you need to explore what you enjoy other then woman in order to find a woman you would be most compatible with.

i do not have any solution for this, but i am interested to know what other people have to say.

it's true that people notice, but i don't get how to change it. i even tried googling it just now, and the advice was all the same as what you hear on this forum.

Not sure if there is any way around that. I usually find that when you trying to get something, you have to NOT be looking for it in the first place. "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you'll get what you need," as the song puts it. Some of us here are in their 30 and have dated once or not at all (I'm in the former category). I'd recommend asking yourself, "What do you want out of a relationship, and what can you offer it (not necessarily money or sex, but say compassion, wisdom, etc)." This is going on observation and things I've read, so I'm not really a expert (then again, who in the spectrum is in the realm of social interactions ). There's always dating sites and whatnot, but be aware of what you're saying and how you're saying it.

So basically your advice to me is the same as my parents and my resident assistant have given me: give up.

At least, that's what I'm hearing. In order not to be trying to get a girlfriend, I cannot:

- go on dating sites
- talk to beautiful women
- make more friends (because the primary goal would be to improve my chances of getting a girlfriend)
- make any efforts to learn the signals women put out that say "I want you" without actually saying it
- make any efforts to eliminate off-putting behaviors of my own
- do what I did to get the one girlfriend I have had

These are the proscriptions I'm hearing in this advice. Correct me if I'm wrong about any of them.

It's true what they say - you really have to be not trying.

The short version - While working night shift, I had just had it with people and went home "sick" before I ended up in total meltdown. I had broken up with my 7 year long "fiancee" a few months prior. I hated men at that point and just did not care what people in general thought. I went home, put on my favorite "leave me alone sweats" (I'm female) and went to the local pub for a bite to eat alone, with just me, myself, and my bad attitude. It happened to be a big sports night for baseball and everyone there was watching the big game (which I had been unaware of previously of course), so strangers were talking to stangers etc. I met my husband of 26 years that night. Still not exactly sure how it happened, but the me he met was really me at least so I guess that's why we are still together.

It really does happen that way sometimes.

I'm skeptical that you are desperate. If you were, you would likely do something daring and rash, such as go up to the most attractive woman you can find, smile, say hello, strike up a conversation with her, and ask her out for coffee.

Your desperation would be stronger than your fear of rejection.

Or maybe I'm completely wrong but you have to admit, I might have a point. If you feel like your time is running out and you have nothing to lose, why not just go up to women you like and start asking them out?

Isn't it worth getting turned down 100 times if you eventually find that woman who says yes?

Thats not how it works. At all. Not to be offensive or start a gender war or anything like that, but if you were a guy you would understand.

Loneliness desperation is a completely different thing from live or death desperation which I believe you are confusing it with. Romance doesn't have anything to do with that.

BTW I have tried being rash, doing ballsy approachs because I was desperate trying to play off the desperate-ness and not show. In my experiences this hasn't worked. Doing this actually has made it WORSE for me, because now I have more rejection memories even when I just "went for it".

100 approaches? Its easy to talk about approaches if your not the one doing them. Maybe you do approach guys, but I would be willing to bet if you have a dating life, that it was the guy that still had to initiate things even if you said "hi" first.

1-100 ratio is atrocious. That "one" better be the best girl ever

ok so.... i found an article about desperation... here are some interesting points about a speed dating study:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the ... esperation

in that study, desperation was linked to lack of choosiness only. there are other ways that desperation manifests, i think. but it's hard to find research about it.

so.... how to eliminate desperation? my ideas (some may not apply to you, OP. just throwing them out there):

1. become choosier. this does NOT mean put standards higher or find more criteria to eliminate people from the dating pool. this means to be selective for people you actually want to be around, that you feel some emotional attraction for. your best bet is to get to know people a bit before making that decision, then giving them special attention that you do not give to others people.

2. stop thinking about the end-game. don't approach dating with an end result in mind. that means when approaching someone you can't think about relationships and curing your loneliness. instead you need to think about whether you enjoy that person's company and want to spend more time together. people can smell it when you already have the white picket fence and the minivan with booster seats in your imagination.

3. think about the other person. what this means is to shift away from thinking about how a person can fulfill a need in your life. think more about the specific and wonderful reasons that you like them and want to be around them. if you are walking around thinking about how crappy your life is and wishing that someone else could fix it for you by being your mate, they will sense that and will be scared away. be careful not to become obsessed with one person, though (yes it is a difficult tightrope to walk).

4. learn to be a good friend (to members of the same sex AND opposite sex). this will help you obtain balance in your social relationships and will help you learn to have a give and take relationship with no strings attached. and if romance with other people doesn't work, you will still have your friends around you and your life will be better. having friends of the opposite sex also helps you to learn to communicate with them as they will become less "precious".

5. become more confident..... now, where did i put my flame shield?... nobody can teach you this over the internet. but if you do not value yourself, then your potential mates won't either. if you think you are no better than gum on the bottom of a shoe, members of the opposite sex will agree. on the flip side, do not become so arrogant that you start to look down on members of the opposite sex either, because it is equally unattractive.


... that's all i've got for now. none of these options involve stopping any dating activities.

Last edited by hyperlexian on 06 Mar 2012, 1:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

You probably need a distraction that will get your mind somewhat off of the hunt, and yet still have women around. Desperation will glow in an environment like a club or bar because there is no social camouflage. you're clearly there as a hunter and will be judged accordingly. You'll be self-conscious.

You need an activity that you can enjoy and get pleasure from and then be able to turn and be friendly with a woman who just happens to be near. You'll be less self-conscious and in a better mood in general.

It's more a question of thinking too much about a desired outcome in which case can make it become unattainable. Big goals can only be achieved when there broken down into smaller ones. Its also the case of staying in the here and now with dating, its ok to think of the future however too much thinking about ones dreams can only keep them as unfulfilled dreams.

Here's Capablanca on the endgame!


You sound like a Patzer with using a chess analogy. If chess is like dating then the aim of the game will be to mate. Chess games are in three stages: the opening, middlegame & endgame. There's no clear transition between stages alot like dating IMHO.



In the times that I been single I learn when I have a relationship with myself its help me to understand & have insight on how to improve the relationships I have with other people.



We'll singing from the same hymn sheet on this point
Just one thing to add with your point about having a healthy balance of confidence, confidence is not a static entity it can change. So its a content activity to keep ones confidence in balance.

Last edited by Chipshorter on 06 Mar 2012, 1:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.

THere is good advice above, especially about taming your expectations about the end game.

You need a certain zen mind when approaching someone. You expect nothing and take whatever good comes, even if that's just a short conversation. Don't look forward and just be in the moment. You'll develop a sense for when more might be possible. But if you are swinging at every ball, you are doing it wrong.

I think even if an aspie finds they can let go of being desperate in general, if they find someone who they do connect with they are bound to appear desperate as they will want that person so much and will not be good at camouflaging their interest. I think its very hard to not come across as a 'creepy bunny boiler' if you really like someone.

If you meant me I didn't mean give up at all!

I was just saying to make it a lower priority for the moment and enjoy life. If you worry about it too much you will lose days, weeks, months, even years of your life if you constantly worry about it...believe me, I think I lost many years through being upset and worrying about something but now I just learn to ignore it.

I am sure if you do the things you enjoy, there will be a woman who will be attracted to you around the corner.

This will probably happen to me. When it starts to appear like it may indeed happen, my heart is going to be going at least 250 beats per minute out of nerves. Probably out of the impression that this is the only chance this DECADE or even in my ENTIRE LIFE that I'm going to get.

Guess I should just set my expectations extremely low (a few female friends if I'm lucky) and forget about making the "first move" with anyone, since I will never be able to pull it off without looking desperate (which really should be a swear word in the world of dating.)

The amazing thing about this "very few chances" mentality I have is that I've only been single for three and a half months! Probably because it took from the age of 14 (when I became sexual) all the way to 27 to get my first girlfriend. That's THIRTEEN YEARS wanting and not having a girlfriend in the past.

At least I was smart and broke up with my girlfriend when I did when I realized that I would not be able to do that long a distance. Being single still beat continuing with a relationship I knew wouldn't work.

now that im all deep into my religion, (taoism) i dont even try to look. either way happyness is more important, because nothing is left undone.