I didn't know my bf was an Aspie... Now I see things differe

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I didn't know my bf is an Aspie until recently. I had been trying to probe for his feelings (about me, about things that couples do after a couple of years together, etc.)

He interpreted this as me pressuring him. We had about 3 heavy conversations over a months time, which ended with me in tears and him saying things like "if you can't stand the way I am anymore, or if you just can't take it, I understand"

At the time I didn't get it, but as I pieced things together, it became apparent that although undiagnosed, he has the full complement of Aspie traits.

If I had known this, I would not have taken things so personally, and would not have been in the horrible, confused state that led to him walking out one night saying that he couldn't give me what I need, and that he needed to leave before doing any more damage.

Since then, we have talked once or twice. He said we were back together after a week, but then cancelled our plans at the last minute, and said he couldn't do it at this time-- citing family problems and unhappiness with his life in general. When I said 'well, I guess this is goodbye" he insisted that he doesn't want me out of his life but that he "just can't do this right now."

I let two weeks go by, and then visited him at his work for a few mins. Afterward, he walked out with me, and gave me a long hug and short kiss. I asked if we could go to lunch, and he agreed.

He cancelled today, although he said *maybe* in a few days.

I know he is stressed. If I thought he just needed time, and that he wanted to be together then, I would gladly wait.

My fear is this:

1) That he thinks all that relationship talk equals me wanting to box him into living together and marriage. I know he is not cut out for that kind of thing--- he needs his alone time, and I respect that. Actually, although I often miss him, I love and adore that he is so passionate about his interests, and that he understands how it is to need solitude. (I am also not great about constant company, and don;t think I can live with someone- so it's kind of perfect.) However, he seems to think that is a "done deal" and since he can not give me that, he doesn't want to go on. (He will not accept that I was asking about it just to find out where he stands so I can adjust my perceptions of the relationship). When I tried to explain, he wouldn't have it, and said I was just "backpeddaling."

2) He repeatedly said things like "You did everything right, and I did things wrong. that's just how I am, and I can;t be what you need." Now that I am putting together this likely AS thing, it gives everything different context, and I don't need him to do conventional relationship stuff. Since I know it's not him being rude or not caring, I can deal.

So, in conclusion, how do I convey this to him? I so badly want another chance. We were so happy and content until I started probing about things like why he doesn't include me in family things, day to day stuff, etc.

Is this broken? How do I fix it? I miss him so much and just want to take back all my stupid questions and the insecure behavior. Help.

It seems your ex boyfriend might be dealing with emotional problems and he took them out on you I do this with my family when I dont know how to handle emotions.

To be fair, I think I inadvertently piled a bit on him and caused him to reach a tipping point. Knowing what I now know, this is not something I would repeat. I wish I knew how to convince him of this. Any tips?

I am going slow with trying to get him back, if at all. I love him very truly, and never want to change who he is... and if who he is would be miserable with me...

I just want him to be happy. Of course my ego says that I can be a part of that. but my heart just wants what's best for him.

I told him I miss him, and he replied that he misses me too. I wish that was enough for him... I've been heartbroken about this. Talk about feeling horrid for ruining a beautiful thing. Thanks for the reply. It helps to remind myself that he may have been doing just what you say you do... or that such a thing is at least a factor here.

Thanks a ton, Joker.

It really helped to hear that your take on things might be similar. It also helps to be reminded that withdrawal is just a normal coping mechanism for some personalities, and not a direct rejection in all cases.

Looking back I can see that there were times when I thought he was being rude/ignoring/disappearing when in fact, he had probably just had enough and needed to get some "emotional air" to reset his dials.

I need to work on my own self-esteem before venturing back into things with him. We are triggering each other. I love him too much to crowd him, or exacerbate some of the fears he expressed of being inadequate/doing the wrong thing.

Thank you so much for your insight. You have been most helpful. Respect.

Thank You! You're super sweet!! !! !