Have I made a bad decision?

Post Reply New Topic

I just wanted to get some opinions on my current situation

I have been living with someone for the last 2 years; we were in a relationship for the first year then just living as friends for the second year

This year I started seeing someone else on a casual basis which has made me both very happy at times and very miserable at others. I don't know how long this will last - it's not relationship stuff, just FWB with the emphasis on the benefits on his side lol

Yesterday my ex who I was living with and I had a row and i asked him to leave - we've done this on a number of times before but it's never got to the stage of him actually leaving as we've both got too upset about it all

So today back living on my own I feel really scared like I've made the wrong decision and should never have messed about with the 'safe' setup I had, even though it wasn't emotionally fulfilling

It felt like I was just another person who happened to share the same house as my ex - there was no affection and apart from us living together and doing everything together (though he never wanted to go out anywhere anyway, that was always my instigation), we were just like friendly lodgers in a way.

I'd helped him out with debts and admin stuff and generally got him on a straight path but I felt I was doing all the inputting and it was going into a black hole with no real appeciation of me as an individual or how helpful I was being. We spent most of our time online with him often playing online games or watching films on his own so it was like feeling lonely despite having someone sat right next to you. The final straw came yesterday afternoon as we'd planned to watch a film and he got fed up of waiting for me to finish what i was doing to sit down and watch the film so started watching it without me! This typified his general attitude of not caring about me or my needs, not being bothered about whether I was there or not, just focusing right on in when I even mildly inconvenienced him! He was being a t*** as far as I was concerned and I thought right I can be f-king selfish too! So I asked him to leave as I don't see why I should have to tolerate such selfishness in my own house, not after all I'd done for this person.

I don't know if I should have just tolerated the setup as it was daily company or if I'm right to want more and put up with the loneliness while I look for it. If you get to know a person on a dating site they usually hink it's weird to still be living with your ex so that's another reason I felt things weren't going to work long term - it tends to put off new people.

Has anyone else had a situation like this?

You were in an unstable and unsustainable situation. Living with someone who had been a romantic partner, but has become just a room mate is not a workable situation. It interferes with any new relationships. There are also mixed signals all the time. You both needed to move on, but instead were hanging on to the remnants of a dead relationship. Let it go and get on with your life. In the future, take more time to get to know someone before getting romantic with them. In the mean time find things to do to occupy yourself that don't require a romantic partner. You sound like you never really took time to develop your own separate "self" before getting involved with someone. Now is your chance.

Thanks for your reply questor
You are right about it being unsustainable. I felt depressed enough at the idea of spending the rest of my life in loveless companionship without his acting in such a selfish manner as well.

I am worried about him though as he is on the autistic spectrum too and imo vulnerable. I don't know where he's gone and just worried. I feel guilty, as if I've abandoned him, even though I found his behaviour unacceptable. It feels like having parental repsonsibility so I can't just cut off. I won't feel at ease until he replies to my text or email but he hardly ever turns his mobile on and it will presumably take him a while to get set up with internet access again. I can't stand the not knowing whether he's ok aspect of it all.

As to getting to know myself - I tend to just imediately look for a new person as I prefer company to being on my own. I will be living on my own for a while probably but I have to have someone taking an interest in me or it's like I don't feel as good about myself. I seem addicted to attention. I wish I could be happy just doing my own thing but my brain/imagination isn't a very exicting place and I work better with someone else's input as well.
I was never like this as a child - it's having to adapt to the NT world and become like them that's made me like this imo ie feeling cast adrift if I'm not getting social input of some sort.

You are absolutely right about this - you need to learn to be alone until you find someone who really appreciates you. I've been in a similar situation where I did SO MUCH to help a man, and my thoughts were also "after all I've done for him" which really was above and beyond what anyone would do.....

In hindsight, I realize he owes me nothing. Yes, he had a moral obligation to appreciate it, but he didn't. And I was wrong to just keep giving to someone who didn't show me any respect or return any favors. Friends should be like a see-saw, it's not always even, but in the end, you give and get equal amounts and it balances out.

I agree with questor, "You sound like you never really took time to develop your own separate "self" before getting involved with someone. Now is your chance"

That's what happened to me. I merged myself into any relationships I was in, losing myself within it. I've been six months now living on my own, (for the first time in my life) and I did slip up and almost find myself in a relationship again, but thankfully I got out of it in time. Right now I"m focusing on what I want out of life, and I'll never know until I know who I am alone. Only then will I be ready to date, and I plan to wait a very long time before I'm in another relationship. And yes, I am bored out of my mind! But for me, it is a required step that I can't skip.

I also stayed with my boyfriend 1 1/2 years after I broke up with him to "help him." Finally I realized I needed to help myself instead. Use all the energy you spent helping him on yourself.

Thanks bookworm285

He did do all the ironing, vacuuming and most of the washing and the DIY so he did contribute a lot, he was just emotionally unavailable and just seemingly not bothered about anything; directionless, but then he is autistic and also his parents were uncaring.

It was like my project to help a person who hadn't had the benefit of a loving family like myself
He left his ex wife of 10 years to come and live with me, as a means of escaping her as she was highly abusive so I felt I'd given him sanctuary and feel I'm now no better than the people who have let him down in asking him to leave.

I feel responsible for him.

I feel his absence like a physical pain today - when I wake up I suddenly remember he's not here and feel terrible. I'm no good at tolerating horrible feelings like this - I just want them to go away.

This is why people tolerate uncaring behaviour off others, so they don't have to feel this horrible empty lonely feeling.

We were together all the time, every day so it's very hard to get used to being on my own again

I don't like being on my own or finding myself - I'm not that interesting; I need another person to make me feel ok - that's just how I am. I don't have a group of friends I can meet up with just one or two people I can talk to via text, email or MSN and a FWB person. I'm always one step away from being on my own and I can't belive I've thrown things away like this and made myself suffer! I must be some kind of masochist to bring this on myself as I'm far more likely to get depressed if I'm on my own.

I just act when I'm upset and agnry without thinking of the long term consequences

I admire people who can be on their own and feel happy - I don't have the strength of character for it though - I've been conditioned to need someone by NT society so I immediately start looking for a new person when one leaves. I panic. I have lived on my own for certain lengths of time so I know I can do it but it's so much harder than with someone else.

I had someone who had been offering me advice on several ocasions talking to me online last night, saying that the person I see as FWB just sees me as a 'hole' to put his thing in every so often - this made me feel horrible as the FWB person talks to me a lot on msn and to me when you are very isolated you are grateful for someone to talk to. People who moralise usually have their pick of people to talk to but I don't. Am I supposed to sit at home on my own feeling terrible as opposed to talking to someone online if I get the chance and taking advantage of the opportunity to have some physical closeness? Why would I deliberately deny myself even some small comfort just to appease moralisers? Any closeness is better than nothing in my opinion.

nessa238 - First, about your FWB - I don't think badly of you for that. You are getting some benefit also by having someone to talk to, etc. As long as you get something out of it. In my opinion, it's wiser and better than getting locked in a relationship too soon.

Then he DID do a lot in the household, I didn't know. I completely understand him being your project.....my ex-boyfriend was mine. He was mentally ill. I realize this is an ENTIRELY different situation. My ex-boyfriend didn't take his medicine right, and had no desire to get better. This is not the same as having autism issues.

I know why you feel responsible for him. I hope he lets you know soon where he's at and that he's ok. No matter what you think you did wrong, you did a lot of things right!

I don't have a group of friends either. Right now I don't have a car (the area is too rural for public transportation) or any way of finding new friends "in real life." I've lost my best friend recently. We were close when I lived in the same town. Now I've moved an hour away and she never contacts me first. I send her short messages once a month or less and she's friendly, but answers in one sentence. (she's NT and has lots of friends)

I hurt for companionship. I cry at night because I'm lonely. The few friends I have are online. I worry about overwhelming them by e-mailing too often. I don't e-mail them until I get a response back, but I still worry.

I have Asperger's so it's not going to be easy rebuilding my life. I know many people with Autism issues are emotionally unavailable. But I feel too deeply, care too much, wish at times I didn't.

I admire all the help you gave this man, and I'm sorry it ended badly. I know you didn't really expect him to leave. Although you wish it had gone differently, it sounds as though it was necessary for him to leave so that you can start life over. You deserve a man that is "emotionally available " and the living situation did prevent you from meeting new people.

Feel free to Private Message me. I'm a 47 year old female. I promise not to judge you and to just listen. I'll try not to give unwanted advice! Sometimes just listening is enough.

Disclaimer - I'm not as strong as I pretend to be!

I don't have any girl friends in real life, although I hope to make some. I don't know if that will be possible.

I haven't been on dating sites yet because of fear. I am afraid of making a bad decision and ending up in another verbally abusive relationship.....

It is really difficult finding that "separate self. " I hope I can!