Planning my first meetup with the new woman

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Well the woman I met on OKC is still corresponding with me! In fact we've advanced to texting back and forth, which we do every day. She's asked about meeting up, and I'm thrilled to death. What I'm doing seems to finally be working. Someone FINALLY seems interested in me.

Now just what the heck to do for the first meetup? It's gotta be PERFECT. I mean FLAWLESS. I can't screw this up.

Can't be cliche. Dinner and a movie will say to her I'm unoriginal and conventional. I've got to make a winning impression. Gotta be worldly and sophisticated and full of depth and really be a nice, perfect, well rounded person for her. Gotta be her ideal guy. But I worry that my aspieness will come through no matter how hard I try to repress it and be normal. I'll tell her eventually but I have to SEEM normal and great for her so she'll give me a chance to earn her affection, because if I act just as I am, there's no way she'll give me a chance.

I'm so worried about disappointing her. I have to make this work, and I'm scared of failing. How do I make the best damn impression I can? I do I prove my worth?

I'm so afraid of being myself. I mean, it is one thing to message back and forth when I can have time to think up a witty, intelligent reply. But face to face, in the moment, I tend to suck. And what if I'm not as I seem from the pictures she has seen of me? I try to post ones that are accurate, and fair, but people never look as they do in real life. What if I disappoint her? What if she finds my apartment too shabby, my interests too dorky/loserish, the fact I'm not a social butterfly without many friends a sign that I am damaged goods?

I've got to be perfect. Now how?

The more you over analyse it and fixate on every little what if aspect, the more you're going to feel uncomfortable and pressured. Try to relax and not put pressure on yourself, the world wasn't built on a what if, Brian, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, throw your chips in and see how it goes. If she can't accept the real you and you wear a façade, you better make damn sure that you are going to compromise your old personality to become this new façade.

I'll do whatever it takes to win her approval. Because if I don't make this work, then it's clear I will NEVER have a relationship, and will die alone without anyone caring at all whether I lived or not. I need to find someone now, and she is my my last chance. I'm going to do everything I can to be her dream guy and to prove I'm worthy of love, namely HER love. I'll devote myself to making her happy.

And that is why I've got to make this first meeting PERFECT. I'm sure she could have any guy she wanted, so if I'm not perfect, it'll be easy for her to just toss me aside and find someone better. I can't let that happen.

How is it delusional? I'm sick to effing death of being alone and lonely, and I've tried literally hundreds of woman without success. I've no delusions that I'm some great guy and all those women were crazy. The fact is I'm worthless. Yet I've found someone who seems into me. This is my big chance and I don't want to blow it. Any woman wbo'd like me must be a saint and deserves to be treated like one. I intend to prove I am worthy of her love, so I can finally end the loneliness.

Is that so wrong or delusional???

Slow down, relax, you haven't even met her yet!

My advice is to keep the first date short, and hour or less. Coffee or a drink to get a first impression. Don't make a multi-hour time commitment (it is easier to extend a good short date than bail on a bad long date), and please don't even think about taking her back to your apartment or dragging her off to a secluded spot in the woods; no sane woman is going to do that with an internet stranger on a first date. (Men should be careful too )

If you take only one thing from my post, listen carefully to this: The only significance of the 1st date is to determine if there will be a 2nd date.

Now if the 1st date goes well and you both agree to a 2nd date, that's when you can start to panic (just kidding!)

Hi--wanted to give you an NT woman's perspective. I met my AS boyfriend on OKC as well. He asked me out to dinner, we talked until they kicked us out so they could close, and we've been together since.

As an NT woman, let me say something that people may disagree with. I AM SICK TO DEATH WITH COFFEE DATES. Yes, the first date is to see if there will be another, but coffee looks like you aren't willing to invest any time in your date in the first place.

One of the most impressive things my bf did for our first date is he said, "I would like to take you to dinner at this place at this time." He planned a date. He didn't pay a dollar for some coffee and worry about not spending too much time with me. He invested.

This is kind of ranty, so I am going to stop. I will say this, and hopefully it makes sense.

Make an effort, but don't stress yourself out trying to be perfect. Pursuit is sexy, stress is not.

Honesty and patience together will get you far, in romance and in life.

She ISN'T perfect, even if she looks that way now. She may be amazing, and near perfect for you, but she isn't perfect. Know that both of you are imperfect, and that makes being imperfect ok.

Hope this is helpful.

Few things:

-Congrats on getting a date brianruns10.

-Get over the she is perfect mentality. You havent met her and most people are freaked out by someone who thinks they are perfect on the first date(apparently those are usually the ones that go into stalking... not saying you will do this but the you are perfect mentality scares most people out and thats the last thing you want to do).

-Anything can work.
From a dinner date at some odd restaurant she probably hasnt heard of to just grabbing coffee for about an hour.
Most people are more comfortable with the just grabbing coffee for an hour because if things dont work out and you arent compatible... you have some sort of easy way out. You arent stuck with the other person for who knows how long...
That being said a picnic at a local park can be quite a nice experience, provided that there are plenty of people around(otherwise it can sound scary), and it isnt what most guys would go for.
It doesnt have to be something homemade but it has to be something nice, not to confuse with expensive.
Last week I was invited to a friends place and we were expected to bring something over so I called a local shop thats well known for their homemade omelets and I bought one. I wasnt trying to impress anyone but quite a few of the people around complimented it and asked me to bring some next time we do something similar. This omelet has the same price as the ones that are factory produced and sold at supermarkets... but it has a different quality and thats what you should be looking for(Im sure you are familiar with some local shops specialized in some products)

I'm sure you are familiar with the phrase "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good."

I'm afraid that if you focus only on being perfect for this woman, you will overlook your own good qualities. Most people fantasize about a "perfect" mate, but are well aware that no one is perfect. In the end, she is probably looking for someone who she can be comfortable around.

Also, over and over in your posts, you seem to swing from deep despair to wild excitement. Most situations in life do not warrant such extreme emotion and it might be helpful to remind yourself that how you feel is probably far more extreme than is appropriate for the situation. I suppose medication could help level out your moods, but if you can avoid drugs and control your moods through introspection and self analysis, you might be able to deal with stressful situations more effectively.

I hope that things work out well for you with this woman but I worry that you are making what is already a stressful situation into a potential disaster by demanding a level of perfection that cannot be maintained. What happens when you make some slight mistake that breaks the perfection you were trying to achieve? You will start beating yourself up in front of this woman and turn what could have been a pleasant date into a weird, disturbing experience for this woman.

Go easy on yourself. Aim high, but don't worry too much if everything isn't perfect. She will form her opinion of you in stages. Even if you managed to be perfect on the first date, she will still be in the "getting to know you" phase. I know you push yourself to excell in whatever you do, but this may be a situation where you would be better off trying to be a little bit average.

Good luck.

But I have to make a BIG impression. The whole of my dating life, it has taken only one date for a woman to form that opinion of me: that I'm not worth it. I must exude something...I mean I pay for the date, I shower twice a day, I run 6-8 miles a day, I eat healthy, and I'm ambitious. I'm not rich or well known now, but I plan to be once I finally make that masterpiece of film I know I have in me somewhere....

I think it is my AS...something just screams out that I'm damaged goods, and a worthless person at heart and they can do better.

And women are so quick to form an opinion...so I've got to be PERFECT so there is no reason for her to NOT give me a chance.

And we have so much in common that if she and I don't work out, there really is no one for me, and either I have a life of loneliness ahead of me, or I end my life...which is my plan if by the age of 30 if I've not achieved a great cinematic success or found love.

My life depends on making this work, to proving I am capable of having a relationship.

And she seems SO INTO me! She asked ME about meeting up. She gave ME her phone number so we could text back and forth, and share pictures from the various shoots we go on for our respective employers.

We text back and forth quite a bit, and she replies so quickly. Though I am worried because when I asked about her schedule for meeting up, I haven't heard back yet. I didn't text her so much, and I kept things light and funny and casual.

God I hope I didn't f**k it up already like I always do.

Have you phone-called or skyped her yet, or has all your communication been through text message? Texting is such an anonymous and impersonal form of communication in my opinion, I can't think of anything less romantic. Maybe this is why she is being non-committal towards setting a time/place for the date? She gave you her phone number, that means she wants you to call her! You need to put a voice and a face to this woman ASAP so she isn't some kind of abstract, perfect super-woman. She is just a human like you. She cannot possibly live up to the pressure you are placing on her. How would you feel if a woman pre-determined the entire future of your relationship without asking your opinion or input into the situation? The best word I can think of is "used" (or possibly "smothered").

heathergracie has some good advice about planning the date; she suggests a longer, carefully planned date; I personally have had good luck with short, spontaneous first dates (because it is less pressure for me to be witty & charming for 1 hour than the prospect of several hours, plus you can always extend a short date that's going well). Ultimately you must do what feels right for you. If she likes you and the chemistry is good, it probably doesn't matter whether the date is long or short, coffee or dinner, a museum or a walk in the park--the date will be a success because SHE LIKES YOU!

Oh god, have I f****d this up out of the gate already? I mean, I was given explicit permission to call. The way I got her number was we were talking about our respective work, and she asked for my number so she could text me some photos of her work, and that's how I got it. I didn't want to abuse the trust by calling right away. I was afraid of moving too fast.

Jesus Christ I have blown it, haven't I? I mean I didn't communicate my plans via text, simply asked if she wanted to chat about meeting up. I don't want to call without permission. But I've got to be more proactive.

God what do I do? Should I text and ask if I may call her? Or should I just call? Is there anything I can do to fix this?

She likes you. Relax and ask her out. Maybe she is just as nervous as you are.