I need advice on dating an Aspie guy

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Wantstolearnmore
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25 Mar 2012, 12:03 pm

I met someone who seems to have mild Aspergers.

My previous bf was very intelligent, while I do not believe he has Aspergers, some of his genius friends seemed to. I am trying to say that I have had experience with friends of his who were similar to the guy I met.

I am an anxious person so I believe I am capable of being sensitive to someone with this diagnosis. It seems that this guy is getting "coaching" from a married friend on how to date, which helps.

I am not a girl who hints or beats around the bush when it comes to dating. I am somewhat blunt and will usually ask for what I need or express unhappiness. Is this a good way to be with this guy?

I really enjoyed my time with him. I have my anxiety issues so I can be sensitive of someone else's difficulties but this is a road I have never been down before.

We met once and we are getting together again. Is there anything I can do to make him more comfortable? I know that I can not generalize people but i am looking for some general guidance.

Any advice? I would appreciate it.



WhiteWidow
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25 Mar 2012, 12:07 pm

Well if someone was dating me I would just hope they'd teach me things I didn't already know and accepted my beliefs. I'm also OCD and I need things a certain way or else my whole system doesn't work.



Wantstolearnmore
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25 Mar 2012, 12:10 pm

I can be a little bit OCD myself. I know I don't always deal well with change of plans on the fly. I will definitely try to give him as much prewarning as possible about a change of plans.



artalis
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25 Mar 2012, 12:36 pm

Wantstolearnmore wrote:
I met someone who seems to have mild Aspergers.

My previous bf was very intelligent, while I do not believe he has Aspergers, some of his genius friends seemed to. I am trying to say that I have had experience with friends of his who were similar to the guy I met.

I am an anxious person so I believe I am capable of being sensitive to someone with this diagnosis. It seems that this guy is getting "coaching" from a married friend on how to date, which helps.

I am not a girl who hints or beats around the bush when it comes to dating. I am somewhat blunt and will usually ask for what I need or express unhappiness. Is this a good way to be with this guy?

I really enjoyed my time with him. I have my anxiety issues so I can be sensitive of someone else's difficulties but this is a road I have never been down before.

We met once and we are getting together again. Is there anything I can do to make him more comfortable? I know that I can not generalize people but i am looking for some general guidance.

I think that being expressive and direct is a good thing, as it will help to keep the lines of communication open when any misunderstandings or differences occur. Being sensitive is a two way thing along with listening. Both persons need to do be caring and to listen to each other. Be prepared to learn something new, as you see yourself from your boyfriends perspective, and as you learn something about how he interacts. This is based on my experience of being married to a guy who has mild aspergers.

Any advice? I would appreciate it.


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InternationalFleet
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25 Mar 2012, 2:32 pm

I don't like to speak in generalizations, but I'm an aspie male, so I hope this will be of help. In order to avoid that generalization, I'm just going to catalog my experiences.
I can be rather clingy, but only once I know the person of romantic interest. While we're getting to know one another, I tend to keep my distance, but once they become a part of my life, it's hard to conceive of them leaving. So I don't let them leave. It's a fault, but I suppose some people appreciate it.
I need space, sometimes. And a lot of it. I get exhausted, constantly talking or trying to emote with them. Especially with women. I can't give that fantastic emotional reciprocity that women seem to like. But they can be assured of my loyalty.
Meltdowns can render me violent. But I wouldn't hurt consciously.
Looks don't matter very much, except for some bizarre things. Like, one time, my girlfriend got a haircut and it threw me off for a few days and it was hard to look because it looked alien on her, but things got better. And sometimes, if someone looks like, say Spock or someone from a particular movie I like, I'll notice. But that's a bit irrelevant.
As I said before, these are my experiences, and so they don't logically apply to everyone. I really do hope this helped. Best of luck!
Simon



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25 Mar 2012, 5:31 pm

The most common thing I see is people asking how to deal with aspie instead of getting to know the person first but just learn more about him see if he has his own routine that he does and learn what his obessions and his ocd patterns are then its pretty much easy to understand him after doing that its how my mom learn to deal with me growing up as a little kid now that im 23 she knows how to deal with a lot of people that have autism/asperger syndrome.



muslimmetalhead
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25 Mar 2012, 7:13 pm

Wantstolearnmore wrote:
I met someone who seems to have mild Aspergers.

My previous bf was very intelligent, while I do not believe he has Aspergers, some of his genius friends seemed to. I am trying to say that I have had experience with friends of his who were similar to the guy I met.

I am an anxious person so I believe I am capable of being sensitive to someone with this diagnosis. It seems that this guy is getting "coaching" from a married friend on how to date, which helps.

I am not a girl who hints or beats around the bush when it comes to dating. I am somewhat blunt and will usually ask for what I need or express unhappiness. Is this a good way to be with this guy?

I really enjoyed my time with him. I have my anxiety issues so I can be sensitive of someone else's difficulties but this is a road I have never been down before.

We met once and we are getting together again. Is there anything I can do to make him more comfortable? I know that I can not generalize people but i am looking for some general guidance.

Any advice? I would appreciate it.


Nice to see an NT female interested in an AS guy.

No luck here.


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IlovemyAspie
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02 Apr 2012, 4:11 pm

I'm an NT female who is love with an AS male. All Aspies are different. So I agree with Joker. I fell in love with my guy before I knew about the AS. Of course now that I know about it, everything makes sense. But before I knew, I just went with the flow. I learned about him as a person. Sure some of his ways were "quirky" but I dealt with him the best I knew how. It all worked out. Then he told me about the AS and things only got better. I'm glad that I got to know him first and not his diganosis. Wouldn't have made a difference, but I got a chance to focus on who he is and not what he has.



heathergracie
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02 Apr 2012, 5:19 pm

I'm also an NT, dating an Aspie guy. One thing that has been tough for me to learn is that my bf needs his space... from what I have seen, this can be quite common.

Also, you will have to work it out together, but for my bf and I, blunt and to the point works best. Every once in a while he will say something more directly maybe than I would like, but when we were first dating it was actually WONDERFUL. I told all my friends it was incredible to date someone and KNOW that there was no game being played... he told me exactly what he thought and wanted, and asked me to do the same (I am still learning).

I would say above all, patience is key, not only for your Aspie but for yourself as well. It's a learning curve, but well worth it.