need frank advice

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hi everyone,
I hope I can get some opinions off you guys. I came to this site a few weeks ago because I got curious about my social ineptness and wanted somehow came across aspergers, and I wanted to read posts to see if they matched my experience. Anyway they kind of do, I don't know about Aspergers to be honest so I'd have to look into other aspects of it. I have always seemed to just not ''get'' social functions, as much as I"ve tried to study and imitate them, I just can't. Anyway that's not why I"m posting in the love and dating forum.

So I came here looking for advice about my own experience, but am now curious about my (ex) bf. I got reminded when I came here that my mum had said once that he seems kind of like he has aspergers after my endless frustration that he seems just completely incapable of understanding my feelings.

Gosh this is hard to know where to start because there's so much to tell, and I don't want to miss out anything important. Brevity is not my strong point. I"ll start at the end.

My ex and I had a horrible horrible breakup. I was/am convinced he's a compulsive liar and or/ narcissist.
We met because we both have social anxiety. And both have ADD. He always said his social anxiety extended beyond that to avoidant personality disorder. Honestly I couldn't say that for sure, because while he seemed avoid-ant a lot ...he frequently referred to a time in his life where he felt no symptom of this (several years) and to me that doesn't seem to marry up with avpd.

When we met it was amazing. HE said he was so happy to be with someone like me, that understood him (sa, add) that he had never been able to be honest with anyone about his ''problems'' before, much less admit he had these disorders (not diagnosed, although add eventually was - my disorders are diagnosed-I also have depression and gad). So anyway things were great. Amazing.

We didn't live in the same state. but after we met, we spoke every day. He was so attentive and kind and caring. A day didn't pass that we wouldn't speak, although he wasn't that good on the phone (i can relate). He spoke about being desperate to see me again, and maybe 8 weeks later, he came to see me for 2 weeks. We had another amazing time together. Everything was wonderful. He kept saying he never felt so good with me. He is very very affectionate (even though i think i am sensitive to touch and it can get overbearing for me quickly). He spoke about how he wanted to move with me. It was one of the best times of my life.

THen he went home ...by this point we'd been together maybe 3 months. I had come down with something quite badly on the day he was leaving, which turned into a severe throat infection. I would have thought he would call me to see if I was ok, given the state I was in when he left, but I didn't hear from him. I started to wonder what was going on. I could see him on the site we used to visit together, so I knew he was online, but because I was so ill I was spending most of my time in bed. Anyway a few days later we kind of spoke but it was a little weird. I guess because I was a bit edgy because I didn't understand why the sudden distant, and actually I"d just been through one of the worst illnesses of my life, and was still recovering.

Over the next couple of months, it was more of the same. When we spoke it was really good, he said he missed me, all the usual stuff, but he no longer waited online for me, days would pass where we wouldn't speak. It was very strange for me, because when we were together things were so wonderful and he seemed better at expressing his emotions than me and he kept SAYING how happy he was, wanting to move near me etc etc.

So basically I started to talk to some other people that knew him on this online community, wanting to know what they knew about these other girls that he spoke to, blah blah. They put some bad ideas in my head (unintentionally) and this all culminated in me accusing him of cheating on me after not having heard from him for another 4-5 day stretch. He was mortified. HIGHLY OFFENDED. at first apologetic, somewhat reassuring, but then he got angry. this went on a couple of days until eventually he said since i can't trust him i was no good for a long distance relationship. he dumped me.

i was devastated. i didn't feel like i was overly ''accusatory'' with my ''cheating'' question. i deliberately approached it as ''i dont understand how you've just changed your behavior, it's so different from before, is something going on, is there someone else?''.

after a few heart wrenching emails over several weeks, he finally started to come around, he said he suddenly changed because of his AVPD....and that he did want to be with me. we got back together. he came to my house again for a month or so. it was great. like before. this is end of 2010.

A few weeks later i went to his house. at this point he asked me to lie to his mum about something , to support a lie he'd already told her (to hide the fact he had no social life). I did it. But it felt uncomfortable. We had a few arguments on that visit, because he didn't seem to want to consider that i was quite anxious about meeting his family. HE had no tolerance for my problems, even though he claimed to have them himself. Nevertheless, he was still the same ''i love being with you, (we'd said the L word by this point) ''i want to move with you'' blah blah.

I will try not to bore you guys with the entire relationship. But about 6 weeks after that it came about that i needed a housemate. since he had said (without my prompting, although later i was) he wanted to move with me, i hinted a lot he should, although he didn't seem to ''get it'', maybe just a male thing, idk. Eventually i just said ''do you want to move here''. the answer was ''not right now but in a few months''. i was pretty hurt. he came down none the less but he came to visit and things were mostly good. although he'd promised to help me with a lot of stuff regarding getting a new housemate and he didn't do hardly anything. we argued over that. eventually i was more and more stressed about not having a housemate and so he looked at my ad and said he'd make one. except he put i was looking for a 6-12 month lodger. i said but why, i thought u were moving here in 3 moths so i was only advertising for that? this turned into another argument. he kind of denied saying he would move here in 3 months. it was weird.

over the next 6 months, while we saw each other every 2 months or so (for maybe 3 weeks at a time) things got a little strained, because the longer it went the more i wanted him to make some commitment about moving, and yet he never even acknowledge it, or mentioned it. even more confusing was every time we were together it was wonderful. but unfortunately the times apart were interspersed with constant fights about him going ''off the grid''' for several days at a time and me not being able to contact him. Now i try to be really aware about being too needy. but when ur long distance, talking is all you have. and there was several occasions when i'd call and say can u please call me when u get this, because i really need to speak to you (and i actually need, need some information he said he'd get, or had some big news that he knew i'd been waiting on)...and yet, i just wouldn't hear. At first it was ''i didn't hear my phone'' these progressed into ''lost my phone, phone flat, phone broke, no credit, lost charger, didn't check email (he WORKED ONLINE), etc etc'' .... of course i was confused and hurt. but as much as i tried to communicate that with him he COULD NOT GET IT. and i would get a sort of apology intertwined with an excuse, dismissal, and then it would be fine, until next time.

he had encouraged me to go for these jobs interstate. i always had low self esteem and was conviced my life was going nowhere. i asked him when i first started applying if i got one, would he move. he said yes (even though the city was less desirable to both of us). anyway around September last year i found out i got a job. it started in 2012. my ex was soooooo happy with me. he kept saying how excited he was with our new life... and i was very apprehensive about moving. i was scared about the change. i don't like changing my routine even though i hated my life. i was comfortable in my misery if that makes sense. but he encouraged me, pushed me, told me i HAD TO TRY THIS...over and over.

so we move jan this year. we'd been together since july 2010. before we moved things started to get weird and edgy because my bf had promised to help me with a lot of stuff with the move but didn't follow through (he always blamed avpd, idk...) it literally got to the point where i had to stay up all night to pack up and clean up my house because while i worked he slept, and i had been relying on him to help me and had run out of time. we had a big fight the day we were supposed to leave because i wasn't ready and i had to miss the plane. and he was furious. you see as soon as the move started to materialize EVERYTHING had to be his way. i told him it was better we catch the morning flight, but he wanted to go the evening one, even though it was $300 more expensive. he accused me of deliberately packing up slow so i could miss the plane nad prove him wrong. it wasn't like that at all. my other friend was there, helping me, and he could see that i was doing all i could, i didn't sleep for over 2 days. anyway.

we get here. im horribly stressed and anxious. i am terrified about my job, i have never had a ful time job before (am 30). im scared i won't fit in, i'm too dumb, etc etc. we need to find a place asap because i need security and routine. my bf was meant to bring documents to apply for houses but he came empty handed. told me i was stressing over nothing. had promised me that he would look for palces while i worked when what actually happened was he sat around in our hotel all day (that i'd paid for) while i went to work, then would have to go home, getting food for us both first, and then clean up, before work the next day. while he sat online. ''looking for jobs'' even though he'd always led me to believe he had a successful online business. things started to go bad, he couldn't produce these documents we needed to apply for rental properties, part of the reason being he couldn't prove his ''income''. i was so mad. he PROMISED me so much, and delivered NEGATIVE. he was a burden on me. we fought constantly, or ignored each other completely. it was hell. he left me here after 2 weeks. i had no friends, no where to live 5 days later. i trawled through some old emails and found proof he'd lied about several things.



but what i cant' understand is why would he treat me like this? why did he seem so incapable of understanding how he was hurting me constantly. what made him ''shut down'' repeatedly. is lying a sign of aspergers? he is very intelligent. but he doesn't have any friends. i have some friends but would probably be more socially inept than him. idk, i just am trying to understand what's going on.

if anyone read all this and has any opinions id love to hear them. sorry for the bad writing i just spewed all this onto the page. i dont mind if you tell us that we both sound like we don't have aspergers and that we just have a seriously messed up relationship. please ask questions if you have any, there's heaps more ive left out or forgot i'm sure. thank you.

I do not relate to your description of your partner at all. I do not like to lie, would not ask another to lie for me, and expect not to be asked to lie. As far as I know, lying is not particularly associated with Asperger's.

Your post is a little confusing, because I am not sure if you are still in a relationship. I would not be, the negative experience you describe is horrible.

From your description, I would think you far more likely to have AS than your partner.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

I would agree with Orr - he sounds a lot more like a narcissist type or something else closer to that category (reminds me of an ex of mine) than Asperger's. I definitely would never lie like that to anyone, generally I never lie full stop and the only time I would practice deceit would be maybe a white lie (very occasional/only when absolutely necessary) or lying by omission, and never with harmful intentions. I couldn't imagine outright lying to a partner like that, lying is extremely difficult if not impossible for most people with AS, our default setting is complete honesty - we go around speaking the truth, whereas your partner's default setting seems to be going about lying to suit his personal needs.

Whether or not you have Asperger's I don't know, there's not really enough information about you in the post to make a guess about that. But if you've been around the site and can really relate to a lot of the stuff on here it's possible you do.

I lie sometimes, but it is to try to avoid confrontation usually or similar situations. Not saying that means it is okay, but how it makes sense why I would lie when talking about aspergers