Advice - First "Date": Should I Be Suspicious?

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Hi WP,

I would like your advice.

Last week, I was approached by someone through an online dating site, who wants to meet up. Through some dialogue back and forth, we are due to have our first "date" this coming Saturday.

In the emails back and forth, her dialogue is quite brief, in text language, and she refers to me as "hun", "honey". She also provided me her mobile number without me asking, and said I could phone or text her anytime.

So I phoned her today, only to be told she would phone me back as she was driving. While the phonecall was never received, I did receive a few texts asking how I am, not relating at all to her suggestion of phoning me. In short, this leaves me confused. Is she playing games, or anxious? Or is there something else...?

Twelve years ago, I was a victim of a cyber dating prank, and fell for it very badly. The end result was that it left me very suspicious of meeting people from online. After doing my own "research", Ive established the girl does exist, however, her unorthodox mannerisms on phone and via email are quite different, and Im wondering am I expericing deja vu?

I would appreciate some advice from WPers here.

Merci,

Lee

Ring her later before meeting her if you're paranoid. I personally never meet anyone from the internet without doing a webcam chat beforehand.

AS an NT- I say trust your gut on this one.

If you get the sense that you are talking to more than one person via text or email--- you're probably right. This is esp. true if there seem to be some weird inconsistencies, lapses in story, etc.

Sadly, this kind of thing is quite common these days.

You can also try asking the person about local stuff, to see if they are really from your vicinity versus an overseas scam.

Whether male or female, do not let any prospects know your last name, place of business, or general neighborhood before you can meet them and get an idea of whether it is safe for them to have that info.

It's good to be open and polite most of the time. However, if your gut is sending alarm bells, remember that it's better to be rude than hurt or exploited; so express your boundaries and stick to them until trust is EARNED.

Best of luck...

My last date experience was very negative, and I cant help but cast my mind back to this.

The other thing that is odd is that she has not phoned me back like she said she would. Another thing is that, since Sunday, she has sent me 36 texts. The general tones of the texts are how r u (textspeak) and calls me hunni, babe, even though we have never met. Isnt it odd and dangerous to refer to anyone in such a way without having seen them in the flesh, presuming this isnt a setup?

I spoke to trusted peeps online last night, and they reckon Im paranoid. What you think?

I would insist on a phone/webcam conversation prior to the 1st date.

Also make sure the 1st date is in a safe, public place, and that a roommate or family member know where you will be and what time you'll be home. You could even invite a couple of friends with you to sit at the bar or a different table and discretely keep an eye on you, give you their opinion of this person after the date.

Assuming you take basic precautions, what's the worst that could happen? Don't let your anxiety psych you out of missing an opportunity to get out of your comfort zone and meet people.

I agree that it is very strange to call someone "hun" or "honey" before even meeting them...we all have our little eccentricities though so it may be little more than one of her's. As for the rest of the stuff I can't really comment much on based on your description but it all doesn't sound terribly odd. Just make sure that you play everything safe: if you do meet up, meet in a crowded, public location and make sure not to give any personally identifiable pieces of information like last name, address, company you work for, etc. I haven't tried the whole online dating thing so I can't comment much other than that, but I hope everything works out for you!

Sounds dodgy but maybe she's just kind of slu*ty. If you assume it's the latter then you lose nothing and maybe get laid. Neither trust nor distrust.

Firstly, tenpin bowling is the event ive set up for this.

Its amazing that despite the fact she wont have a phone conversation with me, she texts me like crazy every day so far....84 texts from Sunday!

Furthermore, she wants to add me on Facebook. It all seems to border, if she is real, on the lines of OCD on her part. I would fully understand this behaviour had we met, and there was chemistry from meeting.

Certainly from my own "research", she is definately not starved of friends, and is quite outgoing...the total opposite of me.

Ive told her I dont drive, and the bombshell that I dont live independently, however, this doesnt seem to put her off wanting to meet.

I really dont know what to make of the situation. Should I bail?

It's perfectly normal for girls to use pet words and use affectionate words, you are just suspicious because of what happened and you're going to let that insecurity ruin something that could be potentially a relationship. If she won't have a phone conversation with you or cam chat with you, she could be a fraud.

Don't let your insecurities get the better and just see how it goes, what's the worst that can happen? If she does turn out to be fake and doesn't turn up, disregard her and drop her.

I'd say trust your gut and bail. Even if she is legit, 84 texts in a few days is excessive and raises red flags on its own.

You have to find out what's going on, or how will you know for next time?

I'd hate to be the pessimistic one of the bunch, but that's pretty much my role in my group of friends, although I refer to it as "voice of reason". So bear with me.

Anyway, let's face it, most aspies, aspie guys especially, have a lot of trouble finding romantic partners and/or getting people romantically interested. So for the most part, you will not see someone highly into you right off the bat, unless you're a setting that's heavily party-oriented or time-pressured, like a booze cruise or a pub crawl. In those situations, there is pressure "to get something going" ASAP, due to the "now or never" nature of events. You may also also run into sloppy, friendly drunk girl, who may give hugs to any willing taker but stop short of going further. AS or no AS, you will generally know when you're in that type of situation.

So, when you meet a girl who seems more interested in you than you are interested in her, that's a yellow flag right there. If the girl is the type who has no trouble meeting people (i.e. "hot"), it becomes a red flag. In OP's situation, it looks suspicious, especially with the 84 texts. Look at it this way: you met her in a setting that gives girls/women almost limitless choosing power: on a dating site. And yet, she's acting the way she is. I'm not putting you down or discrediting your efforts, but what you're dealing with is an exception, rather than the norm, on dating sites. So feel free to move forward, but be careful and don't rush into it just because she showed interest.

As someone I once knew used to say: just because a girl gave you the green light doesn't mean you gotta to floor the accelerator. Remember that, and you'll be fine.