Communication.

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Ello! /long post/
Well, this is difficult, but I'll keep typing away and try not to delete afterwards!

I know us aspies have difficulty with communication, especially when it comes to dating. I need tips. I'm so fighting against the rules I built which help with everything else that when it comes to something quite important I can't quite ignore them. But instead of ignoring them I go mute. Again. Frustrating.

Ugh, the embarrassing part:
Asking my work colleague/good friend if we could go 'more than friends' - I know work & dating isn't ideal but there's already gossip within my work, yet they've done f**k all in helping me but plenty in gossiping and it seems the last person to actually look in the frigging mirror is the person in question.

The trouble is, which makes this harder, almost bloody difficult is that; while I instantly fell for her when she joined our place of work, she was in a bad place with her on/off boyfriend. So I helped her repair the damaged relationship thinking it would set her free from her unhappiness and allow me an clear opportunity. Only they hooked back up and I learned that her boyfriend was actually the younger brother of my best friend, and supposedly caused no end of arguments between them. So my best mate & I did the whole 'bro's before ho's' pact so that we didn't end up in some bitter argument caused by her. But my feelings never changed & as a good friend I got invited out for parties with them, intensifying what I originally felt towards her. Awkward.
Now, he's left her with some weak excuse, but because it's her first love long term relationship, she's still in love with him but wants to pull away. She says. I feel like she really wants him back. But I see this as like, the opportunity I've been waiting for. Only, I can't take it. I go mute.

I've tried a couple of times over text, but I feel it's too personal to send some throwaway text message. She knows at least I'm trying to say something important. But she's so blind! In person I go all embarrassed and mute. I know this sounds really teenage stuff since I'm like mid-twenties but this is like the first time I've actually had some confidence about relationships, and now it's having a huge impact on everything else.

I don't even know what I want, just how I feel. It's enough for me, since it's the first time I've ever felt it. I just want some way of communicating it. So frustrating. So so frustrating.

Ta for reading,
J.

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You've mentioned that you find this very hard to do in person. And that you feel an SMS feels too impersonal.

If you're able to access her work area, why not try actually writing a written letter explaining what you want to explain and leaving it on her desk? Include a bit about why you're writing it as a letter, and try to not be too weird about it otherwise, just write out what you want to say but haven't.

(And unfortunately, just to cover all your bases: be ready if the letter is taken very badly by your coworker, or if (ugh) some of your other coworkers intercept the letter in transit and make a big deal of it. And this is on top of the usual concern about being involved with someone from work.)



If things work out, thank yourself for writing it out, anywhere.

If things go badly, especially due to anything I said, feel free to blame me.

A Letter?
I hadn't thought of that, really. What do I put down?

My work is quite different than a desk job, we work community type work in a block of flats with one main office where everyone generally rests and does the paperwork and stuff. Otherwise we're in the flats, helping the tenants.

Thanks for replying at least.

I'd ask two questions, would your best friend's brother a.k.a her ex be bitter since you told your best mate?
Also would your best friend be okay that you did this just to get this girl which was his brothers ex?
I'd just be wary if this is what you feel.

Well, firstly, they don't speak too much & I haven't heard anything from her ex in relation to any agreed deal between us. We haven't talked about it or mentioned it to him, her or anyone else, so really it's just between us.

I haven't quite thought about that part really. He probably knows his bro just dumped her, but still thinks I'm sticking to that agreement we decided on.

At the time, I just wanted his half of the story of why this long-term relationship had so badly broken down. He said it involved a lot of BS lying manipulated by her involving cheating and past partners - a complete mess. I didn't want to get involved with that, so I decided I wouldn't have anything to do with her or the mess she made.
But when you're working eight hour shifts with colleagues in a closed environment, I soon learnt her half and saw that both sides were responsible for the break-down. So my original opinions were off and I was stuck with an agreement not to pursue someone I genuinely felt attracted and comfortable with.

I don't know, it depends on her ex really. If he really wants to leave her then it should be ok, after all he's left her. But if he decides that he wants her back, and I know she wants him back, I'll have to leave them together and find someone else. Again.

Thanks for the replies, but she revealed on our last shift after a break for about five days that she was back together with her ex, again. I don't know, I'm sort of happy that's she's happy again, but annoying frustrated I didn't say what I wanted to.

Thanks anyway, J.

To be honest, I'd be happy by just staying as friends. Nothing gained but nothing lost either.
Things could have gotten worse and you may not have had your friends. Now try reaching them for help for finding someone compatible with you.