Why now?

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After almost 10 years of marriage my wife has decided its time to separate. She agreed to wait a year so we could pay off some debts we have but she won't even attempt to try and make it work. She says if I push it she will separate immediately even if it means financial ruin. She's even told me that our 7 year old NT daughter is the only thing keeping her from moving back to the Philippines.

Thing is the timing is what bugs me the most. Is was only offically diagnosed a few weeks ago. I requested a diagnoses after two years of suspecting my condition specially because I wanted to be a better husband, father and employee. Why now? Why when for the first time ever in my life I understand what's wrong and might actually be able to do something about it?

Last night I had my first aspie meltdown in a long time, the first since learning of my condition. I cried myself to sleep as well and frankly I almost never cry.

Why now????

You're not going to like this.

She may have left you because, once the diagnosis came in, she felt you would never change, never be different. Before then, she thought you could be 'fixed', learn to act 'normal'. But the diagnosis told her that was never going to happen, that all the weird things you do would be forever, and she can't live with that.

Sure, you can point her to evidence that Aspies can change, learn social skills, become more NT like with therapy and practice. But it doesn't sound like she's interested in working with you anymore. I'm so sorry.

I'm sure you didn't come here to get our condolences on your dying marriage. Me and my wife are in marital peril also, but I'm too committed, too in love, too faithful, and too stupid to give up. I say until she puts another man's ring on her finger, there's still hope, even if it's just a sliver, and a sliver of flame can start a roaring fire. If you can't get her to meet you half way, you can still show her you're moving towards her.

Just this morning I resolved a conflict with my wife, with a little added perspective from my fellow aspergians. If you're willing to change, and you're looking for answers, and you can do something new and turn it into a life long habit; all I can say is women are notorious for changing ther minds.

I'm not giving up on my marriage. I hope you don't either. As far as I'm concerned, we're brothers in wedlock. Post an issue, and let's get to work on showing your wife you can learn to be a better husband. And in the end, if she leaves, you'll find someone who will appreciate all the growing you've done.

May the odds ever be in your favor!

My wife broke my heart multiple times. Every woman that I have allowed to get close has broken my heart. Only solution I have is not to let people get close. But when we take a risk and allow someone in, heartache can be the result...I respect you for taking the risk. It sounds like your wife is not going to be reasonable from here on in. All I can advise you on is keeping your guard up in respect to not allowing your wife to create situations to prove to others you are (insert whatever you want) and spend what time you can with your daughter.

Good to hear back from you! I'd thought we'd lost you. So what's your first post going to be about?

Just because you have been diagnosed doesn't mean she should lose hope. There is still hope and I think that both of you should find ways to understand eachother to make the relationship work. Reading helped me in my relationship and I do think that it is vital to learn as much as you can when you are married or in a relationship with someone who has Aspergers.

It shouldn't just be you who is willing to change. She should also be willing to change her ways and she should research Aspergers as much as possible. The more she knows, the better she will understand. This is something that will drastically improve your relationship. I don't think that either of you should give up because it's been 10 years, that is a very long time to be with someone and your relationship will only get stronger by working through these things.

I think that there is still time to make things better between the both of you. I think that it is really important for your wife to broaden her knowledge of Aspergers in order for you both to work around the problems together. For this I think understanding and patience is key on the NT's side of things. Of course she cannot fix or change you at all, but there are ways that things can be improved just by her reading about it and changing her NT mindset. I think she should give you a chance and find out more about Aspergers before making such a big decision as this.

I speak from experience, as this has helped me a lot. If there are any books of which you'd like me to recommend, just let me know.

I'd make first priority your daughter to be there for her financially and emotionally, even if your wife leaves. You still have to be a Dad, that is important if not the most important.

This is.... sad.

Forgot to add that I don't think it's right to leave someone as soon as a diagnosis is found. I find her actions are rash and a little immature since she didn't leave beforehand.
Personally, I'd feel sorry for the daughter in all this. I don't mean to pick fault with your wife but I can't help but wonder why she would honestly leave due to you having AS.

I think part of finding healing is recognizing both partners are hurting. I'm guessing his wife doesn't want to leave, she just feels like his chances of improving enough to save them are low and she's already spent all of her heart trying to deal with him already. It's like my wife tells me,"'I wish you had found this out a long time ago. I could have helped you then, but now? When I'm broken and there's nothing left? You're always late."

But she is still here. So there's still a chance. Even so, we have to recognize she's dealing with it too, and if she's going to have a change of heart, seeing how she' s been hurt, why she feels the way she does, and assuring her those issues can be resolved if they work together... Then maybe she'll turn around and learn to trust again. I'm speaking of his, mine, and everyone's spouse here.