How do you contend with the "illogic" of love?
I used to be someone who was comfortable with applying "A + B = C" thinking to love. Now, from loads of past "experience", I know that this won't always be the case and there isn't a whole lot I can do to adjust every scenario to that, so adapting to being open to everything seems to be the only current solution. But I also realize that, even with warming up to the whole "anything-can-happen" line of thinking, there's still a long way to go, and there might be things I'll have to do to get by that I'll either regret later or will almost run counter to my beliefs (such as playing the whole flirting game when in reality I'd prefer to say it and deal with it outright).
I want to hear your thoughts on this or about it in general! How do you compensate for the difference in dating process??
I won't say this is really about love but ATTRACTION (writ large) can totally overrule all your preferences to add A+B+anything at all. I'm not that natural a flirt but when attraction gets the better of me I'm completely shameless. I once volunteered as an adult literacy tutor for a year and a half because someone I had a serious crush on was the coordinator for the program. (pity my poor students, I'm a TERRIBLE but dogged teacher) The aim was to impress her but also to just be near her long enough to maybe grow on her. (it didn't happen, she dated my best friend instead, @#%*! !!)
I also once boldly flirted with someone while their significant other was standing RIGHT BESIDE THEM. Couldn't help myself. Attraction took over.
So sometimes, logic-shmogic. Not all the time, but every once in a while your biology will hijack your processes.
I want to hear your thoughts on this or about it in general! How do you compensate for the difference in dating process??
First, how do you define love? To me love is a bond between people who have learned to trust and depend on one another through sharing the weight of life's struggles. That holds true for lovers as well as sibling. Attraction is different and is a more physical urge that pushes you to get your genes to live on through your offsprings afteryoudie. But then again, like dolphins, human use sex for pleasure too, not just procreation, because it's a stimulating activity that can be conducive to fondness for the other person treating you regularly to it and enjoying it with you, which can turn into love. At least from this man's perpective.
Admittedly, I wrote it when I wasn't feeling 100%, so I'll clarify now:
Imagine you come across someone you have massive feelings for. If it were me and I was going for the "A+B=C" thinking, my first thought would have been, "Okay, if I try to talk to that person and give her a gift, maybe she'll automatically fall in love with me!" Now, I know that's highly unrealistic, since I'm not even factoring in her perception of me (if any) and as well, I'm holding the expectation of us being together so high! So, in essence, my thinking has changed from that to, "I can talk to the person and get to know her, maybe even do good things for her, but that won't mean the end point is relationship every time." I'm saying that, while, okay, there's this change in thought process, there are still gonna be things that escape my thought process, but will still have to be dealt with if there's any chance if I decide to get into a relationship later
I try to remind myself that other people are separate from me, have their own thoughts and desires, and owe me nothing. If I like someone I make myself available for a while and if they aren't interested I let it go, that's their prerogative. I try to remember what it feels like when I don't have feelings for someone who has a crush on me. It can be kinda weird an uncomfortable but since no one owes anyone else their affection these situations happen and nobody is the bad guy unless they get really pushy.
Shatbat
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Joined: 19 Feb 2012
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,791
Location: Where two great rivers meet
I cope with it by trying to figure it out.
I've read a lot of psychology books, some of them touching the matter of love. I've even read pick up artist writings, there are some who don't treat women as objects, and have interesting insit about human relationships.
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To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day. - Winston Churchill
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