Opinions shared while single / committed

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Hi guys

As we all know, there are a lot of diverse opinions here at WP. Now I was wondering......a fair few single folks here seem quite uncompromising in their views and those anywhere between dating to married are rather defendant on a lot of social issues esp. regarding human equality and physical appearance. It raises a lot of questions:

1) Do these opinions we uphold contribute to why we are single or taken?
2) Do peoples' opinions on love and dating and human equality change when they are in a happy relationship (or for some people...ANY relationship)?
3) Do you think some people just say things to please others?
4) If your boyfriend or girlfriend knew you posted here would you really uphold the same opinions with such conviction?
5) Same as #4 but people in your life such as friends, families, support workers, colleagues.
6) Are these opinions formed mostly out of one's ability to handle their experiences good and bad, or one's inability to cope with past failures letting them outweigh their successes?
7) Are many of these opinions formed from an outsider's perspective i.e. someone fascinated with the idea of romance but with no experience or contact at all to fulfil this endeavour?

Discuss!

For some people, perhaps. For me, no. I'm physically very unattractive, and I look years younger than I actually am.
The reason I can hold my opinions is that I have nothing to lose but the chains of social restraints, to put it in a more poetic way.



Definitely. I've seen people change right upon entering a relationship. Guys became more defensive, girls became more arrogant, both in their views and presentation.



Absolutely. In real life, I catch myself doing that several times a day. I just don't want to have people hate me unless it's convenient for me.
With some people who are in relationships, it can be borderline absurd. They'd defend complete lies in the face of factual evidence because those lies were their partner's.



If I had a girlfriend, no. That would be social suicide. Most of the friends I've had for years don't even know I post here.



That might be even worse, because they wouldn't have a reason to take my word for it. Most of my family members are more stubborn than me. My mother is one of those people who constantly dish out ideas that 'would make me more popular with the ladies', but fail to see that the reasons for my involuntary celibacy are well beyond social or antisocial behaviour. Plus, I can't get rid of family members by dumping them and ceasing all communication.



Again, I can't speak on behalf of others, but it's mostly my past experiences. Women, even one who was blind and fat and another who was quite nearly ret*d, would either ignore me or be hostile when I tried to be friendly. I've stopped trying altogether until I'm older and hopefully a bit wealthier, so I don't have to put up with this now.



In my case, definitely. As I've been completely unable to attract any women, all I have are theories and research to guide me in those matters.
And they're pretty convincing, as they not only outline basic rules, but completely explain why I don't have a girlfriend while legally-retarded, barely-literate Antilleans do.

The only comment I would make about single versus people in relationships is that when I talk to people-I am single and never had a relationship-when I talk to them when I say I feel cheated because I have no chance it seems because of my AS and did not experience what my peers have-they say all the time "well you aren't missing much-it isn't that great,you might as well give up on the quest for a partner" and so on--all the people that say that to me are married or have a significant other, I have never had another "single" person ever say that to me. The partnered people I talk to tell me what they tell me but they have kids or maybe not but I do not see them giving up or doing without their partner-they aren't following their own opinions on the subject and two people I know are on their second marriages too-they didn't stop because in their opinion "it's not that great"-well there is something that keeps them wanting to be in a relationship ,intimate or whatever-I haven't been in one or had intimate relations so how would I know if I didn't think it was that great-I have no way to compare-so being on the spectrum you can see how I would get confused by people giving advice saying one thing and doing the opposite-this isn't only NT's its others on the spectrum and with other disabilities saying these things too.

Umm...Do you want any opinions from NTs or just AS? Btw, I always enjoy your post!

Thanks anyone can have a stab at these questions!

1) Yes, because your opinions are a part of you and if you have greatly different opinions from someone you probably won't be as compatible and maybe viewed as hard to date. I have been told I am hard to date. I have high standards (and I don't mean in looks because my only other bf was a NERD) but in how a person lives and treats me and others.

2) I think they can especially when you are young because you may have opinion on how things "should" be but when in a situation then things may be different therefore your opinion changes and you learn and grow.

3) Yes! People say things in ALL relationships to please others...at least in the NT world. You say and do things to please your boss, parents, teachers and your partner. Why would I not say things to please the people I love. Now, I am not talking about changing WHO I am to please someone but I will definitely tell my bf, who is Aspie, things he likes and that he has interest in.

4) Yes, I have no problems with my opinions and convictions.

5) This one is tougher. I am in the "public eye" a lot so I try to only present a side of me that is positive. I am like everyone else and have issues with love, self image, school, parents...another words, I am a normal teenager but I do NOT want everyone in my business nor do I want everyone having access to all my opinions as they can use them to hurt you. Work doesn't need to know everything about me. My boyfriend, family and closest friends I am very open with. So, depending on who it is and what the opinion may be about, would determine how vocal I would be. However, I am never ashamed of my opinions and I respect other peoples opinions even if I disagree.

6 & 7) These are kind of the same question and I think opinions are formed from all of the above. When you are little your opinions are basically your caregivers, then things you have learned from, both successes and failures and somethings are formed from what you see, read or hear and that's why peoples opinions change as they get older and have different experiences. Example: I would never let MY kid do that! ...has a kid and then the kid does that and the parent realizes that before you have kids you really understand all the different things parents have to go through.

Well, that's my opinion! lol

Yes, of course. If a person believes that either they are inadequate, or that all potential partners have unreasonable standards (which is what most here with very negative attitudes seem to believe), they are going to be unwilling or unable to put in the work and take the risks required in order to get into a relationship.



Mine didn't. I mean, it makes sense that that could happen. But, for me, it was changing my attitudes toward dating, and socializing in general, that allowed me some minor successes. Those successes certainly boosted my confidence, which helped me get to the point I'm at now. But it was changing my attitude, choosing to act under a different set of beliefs, that put me in a romance-ready mindset in the first place.



Yes. Absolutely. Though I'm not sure what, exactly, you mean. In what context?



Yes. I asked her to let me have this board as sort of my own personal space. So she doesn't post here. But I am pretty sure that she lurks here on occasion, and it would be very very easy for her to figure out who I am (hi girlfiend! don't mention you saw this or I'll be mad!).



Oh hell no. Thank god none of those people come here.



I went through a long period where past failures and past rejections really did rule my thoughts. It's an awful way to go through life. I can only speak for myself of course, but I suspect that many of the more negative posters' opinions come from the same place mine used to. So I do sympathize, even if I disagree very strongly with them.



I came to realize later that many of my previous beliefs regarding romance, and my own ability to partake in it, were completely foolish and rooted in my own ignorance. Thing is, if someone believes strongly enough in their own inadequacy, or believes strongly enough in the awfulness of others, it becomes sort of a self fulfilling prophecy. Holding those beliefs almost guarantees failure, which is then taken as proof of the validity of those beliefs. It's a hard cycle to break out of. I can't say for certain what's going on in anyone else's head, much less those I haven't actually met in real life, but I suspect that many here are in the same position I was.

Makes an interesting point to be fair, kudos to you JanMan.
1) I believe so
2) Yes
3) OH MY YES
4) Possibly yes
5) No
6 and 7 depends on persons own beliefs, mind so do all the questions. In my case though I'd say no to both.

I think it largely depends on the person. I don't really have a high opinion of myself with regards my physical appearance and that can sometimes come across to those in the outside world. However, I know that, personality wise, I have a lot to offer so I try to sell myself based on that instead, which is a damn site harder than using your looks. I am currently in a relationship (in fact I am engaged to be married) and he knew I had hang ups about my appearance. However, he was someone who valued my personality, hence I actually have someone. I am always willing to go that extra mile and make the effort when it comes to dating someone I like or if I am in a serious relationship. I think if you have someone who feels inadequate and it shows (particularly if you plug the 'oh but I am nice so therefore I'll never get anyone' or behave like the world owes you a favour), then people are going to think that they will have to make a super amount of effort to compensate, something which turns people off when looking for a partner.



I think they do yes. I also think it depends, again, on the person and on the circumstances. I have a friend who was single for 5 years and was happy about it. He is now in a relationship and has the same opinion on relationships as he's ever done (in that you can't just date anyone, they have to be right for you personality wise, and it would now appear that he has found her). I also have another friend who is currently single and has been for just over a year and isn't dealing with it too well. It has reached the point where people view her simply for sex as she coming across 'single and desperate'. When she had a boyfriend, she was quick to give others tips on how to get a date, how to keep your man happy etc. Now she is single, she isn't taking her own advice and slags men off to the nth degree. My opinions also changed to a certain degree when I was single. Thing was, when I was single, I was happy that way for a while, it was when I got unhappy with it that I behaved irrationally. Thankfully I realised that in order to get a boyfriend that something had to change, and that that something was me.



Yes, I think it is thought to be in many people's interests to say things to please the people they love.



I would uphold my opinions yes, provided they were not irrational. Hopefully my opinions would not be of the irrational sort and that if they were, my prtner would inform me in the nicest possible way.



Same answer as above I suppose.



I have to admit for me it is a bit of both. I do not handle being a failure very well at all and it can make me a little (or a lot) bitter. This is why I need the boyfriend/friend/work colleague etc to sober me up sometimes and make my viewpoints more rational. Obviously, if it is a good experience, I have a more rational opinion.



In my case no as I have had a few relationships in which all have lead to something more serious, but obviously they have not all worked out. This was usually the result of us both drifting apart.

Here we go!


I think so. My opinions, and more importantly, some of my core beliefs, have been changing through my life, especially the last few years. And I've noticed my success with women change with them. In the end who we are influences what we do.


Yeah, mostly because theorizing about relationships is different than actually being in one. Experience is hard to beat.


Yes. Be it to be more likeable, or to avoid a confrontation, but yes. Even subconsciously. And sometimes I can be guilty of it.


Yes. There is nothing I've said here that I would deny in front of them, I realize there is a lot of embarrassing stuff, but around here I'm definitely more authentic.


Close friends, similar case as above. But there is people I don't trust, or people who are just plain intolerant, and it would be against my best interests to be vocal about my beliefs.


All of it, I'd say. The more negative experiences somebody has, or even just a big, single one, can result into negative beliefs, and all future positive and negative experiences being seen as related to those negative beliefs. And as I learned in a psychology class, we tend to give special attention to those experiences that strengthen our beliefs, and dismiss those that go against them, so if as you say, someone is unable to cope with past failures and develops a set of opinions, he'll tend to get stuck with them unless he becomes aware of it, and then it will still be hard. I remember how my first big romantic failure shattered most of my opinions on that matter, so I had to develop a new set of paradigms, and at this moment I won't claim to have seen the absolute light, but I believe they work. And that's why when I see some of the posters around here saying stuff that is so negative, I resist the urge of jumping at their throats or something. At some point of my life I shared those thoughts. And I can see how, had things turned out differently, I could have gone down a different path and have beliefs closer to theirs. I do understand what they're going through, and the hurdles that should be overcome, but the change I've brought upon me has taken lots of reading, reflecting, internalizing, doing, experiencing, that if I'm really lucky I might help kick-start, but otherwise I don't expect anyone saying "oooh Shatbat I got a girlfriend thanks to you ". That would be nice though . Now I'm reminded of Wolfheart, think whatever you think, those videos he posts are eye-opening.



Well, we form opinions all the time from our own perspective, be it from the outside or the inside. I believe both have valid points, to make a metaphor, the actors of a play know better about it's intricacies, what's going on behind the scenes, and all the hard work before presentation day, but the spectators can see things actors are too close and immersed to notice.

Probably, since they shape our behaviour, but I think it's a two-way street. People who have more success in relationships are, I would think, more likely to have a positive outlook on the issue and consider dating and relationships a good idea for themselves and others. They enjoy some success and experience the good side of relationships, and so they anticipate continued success and when they see others struggling, it's easy for them to foresee the possibility of things getting better/easier because of their own positive experience. This in turn would probably make them more likely to continue seeking relationships or strengthening the one they're in, resulting in more positive experiences, and so forth. On the other hand, those who have had little success or been hurt are likely to perceive the whole issue more negatively and have a defensive or avoidant attitude, meaning they continue to stay single which builds further resentment and pain.



I think so. Like I said above, feeling good about your own experiences, and enjoying the knowledge that you've successfully entered a relationship even if it's not happy, can make the outlook on the whole concept of relationships seem a lot less bleak. When you are alone and/or feel that you've failed in a relationship, it's hard to perceive love and dating optimistically, and it's also hard to see yourself as equal to people who appear to be so much happier and more successful in love.



I know I do, but I wouldn't know about others' motives. If I had to guess, I would say yes. It's hard not to take others' opinions into account at least a little.



Hmm... I wouldn't say I've upheld many opinions with conviction here, but more generally, when I was in a relationship, no, I wouldn't have expressed many thoughts if my partner was reading them. That's not because I am unconvinced of what I've said, but because I have difficulty being honest about who I am and what I feel, and I hide a lot from people who know me in person.



Basically the same answer as above. I actually had a scare where my mother was threatening to google my username and find out what I'd been saying, and I was terrified because I have said things on here that I would not normally express to anyone. I consider my attitudes toward love, relationships and sex to be incredibly private matters that I would not share with anyone I know in person. I would not express a different opinion on these topics if my family or colleagues were privy to the conversation, I would simply refuse to discuss them at all.



To an extent. I'm certain that everyone who has successes also has bad experiences, but some people are overwhelmed by the bad and can't move past it, while others are able to put it in perspective. On the other hand, I do think there is a genuine disparity between people who do have SOME success to at least provide that little touch of confidence and counteract the failures, and those who seem never to get "lucky" in love. It's hard to keep the negative in perspective when there is little or nothing with which to contrast it. So yes, I think coping ability and attitude plays a role in what you take away from your experiences, but I think the experiences themselves also have intrinsic meaning, particularly in extreme cases.



It depends on the person I guess. I'm sure a lot of them are because a lot of people just don't have any experience, and they can't help that; it doesn't keep them from having a theoretical outlook on love/relationships, especially if it's something they spend time thinking about and seeking out. I don't think these viewpoints are necessarily less valid. If someone says that they don't want to be in a relationship without having any personal experience, for example, I think that's just as legitimate as someone saying they have no desire to do drugs despite not having experimented with them. However, such people shouldn't presume to pass judgment on others' opinions and relationships, since they haven't been in similar situations. There's a difference between, as an inexperienced outsider, saying that you feel disillusioned with romance and don't want to try, and saying that it's all rubbish and no one/no Aspie should try. Likewise, though, I don't think people who are experienced should judge those who are on the outside, as they may not know or may have forgotten just what that feels like.

ETA: By the way, good questions. Your posts are always interesting, which is appreciated

chicken/egg. it is tempting to believe that they are, but i think in some cases, poor attitudes were actually originally informed by rejections that they could not handle. the rejection in those cases becomes a pile of baggage for them to carry around - which is visible to prospective mates.... and it is a turn-off. so in those kinds of situations, there may have been social rejections that started the snowball down the hill, but the people's own ruminations took it much further.

i think that when people hold misandric and misogynistic ideas, they may still eventually date, but they will need to rid themselves of some major issues if they are in it for the long haul.

sometimes, yes. i learned a lot about people when i was married. when i was a teenager and young adult i used to make assumptions about men based on the behaviour of my father and some nasty male peers, but i was utterly wrong to believe that men overall are like... that.


yes, but if a person can keep up that level of facade for a long period of time, i would tend to believe that hey have internalised it to some degree. even sociopaths generally cannot maintain a facade for very long, and most of them die lonely because they couldn't pretend to care for the long haul.


yes, i met him on the site. so he knows i am an outspoken feminist.


i associate with people who are fairy progressive overall. my family sometimes disagrees with each other, but we were raised to speak our minds so we have hearty debates at times. they know what i think.

even at work i will speak up and say what i think,


i agree with where you are going here.


no, i have experiences (good and bad).

very very good questions!

Firstly, I want to say thanks for all the great responses in this thread it's restored my faith in L&D!
Before I give you my answers I'll share why I asked these questions and what context I meant them in:
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WHY I ASKED THESE QUESTIONS:
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1) To see if many single folks on WP were single for a reason (besides Aspergers!) and if certain atittudes/views led to more of you being taken. Were the people bitter towards certain things with no positive thoughts doomed to singledom and were the taken folks happier, brighter people.

2) This was to check with others if they thought people became more positive, open minded, tolerant and understanding once they started dating in general or settling down in relationships.

3) I aimed to see if others felt people would say ANYTHING to date someone or even stay in a relationship (even the ones they are unhappy with). The answer is yes unfortunately but I was curious as to whether or not people have seen it come up a lot or just rarely. Sorry this was vague.

4) Question #4 was a test on people's integrity and character. For many here this question wasn't so bad because we have a lot of honest, true-to-self people on WP This was more to see if the more anti-men/women of the bunch would practise hatred if people close to them knew about it, and asking them why they think doing something bad in private makes it less bad or "okay".

5) Same as #5 but on a broader scale.

6) Asking if people believed and thought what they did not because of their experiences, but their ability or inability to handle those experiences. Straight forward.

7) Speaks for itself. It will of course vary from person to person

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MY ANSWERS TO MY OWN QUESTIONS:
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1) Yes, I've found your outlook on life and drive to go forward and have faith in other people has a positive effect on not only you but those you come into contact with. I've never started relationships when on a downer. If you aren't happy, you cannot offer any happiness to others. Much like a person with no money can't give money to others!

2) I did, but only after so many failed relationships and deciding to be just friends with girls rather than separating them into the categories of "Date", "Wouldn't date" and discarding the 2nd category from my life.

3) God yes, and I used to be one of them when in dire straights and when I wasn't sure of who I was and what I should be like / wanted to be like. DO NOT DO THIS. It never works out, you only feel worse, it insults your partner, and you feel a victim when you shouldn't do. It messes everyone up and any sincere blames you have are outward, and where you try so hard to make things work you will never be conscious of the REAL problems you create and are responsible for because you consider yourself a martyr. No one wants a martyr, they want a hero!

4 & 5) I have entered this forum and many others now with the full intention that I never stray from my principles and do not take things more seriously than I would do in front of my friends, family, girlfriends etc. You would be concerned for a friend if they treated the politcs of X game or website community that doesn't interest you as a life or death thing over trivial stuff. It's better not to be that person if at times it is hard to resist.

6) I can confirm from where I'm standing I shouldn't have had bad experiences, but my social naivety and immaturity, lack of empathy, selfishness and other young traits I had made a lot of my dating experiences bad and my views on them jaded and self serving. Check #3. I was one of those "nice guys". Some people never get out of that phase. And for me it took some shock therapy for me to come to terms with where I was going wrong rather than blaming everything on my own experiences. I had to go through a lot of people hating me for me to realise I was just being an unhealthy obsessed embittered jerk. I come here to help people not make the same mistakes I once did. I'm very high functioning now and you would barely be able to tell I'm AS. I have almost overcome everything that has held me back all these years on my own, and the diagnosis was more a relief than it was helpful. Anyways..

7) I used to be fascinated about dating and stuff from probably the age of 9-10. I had been using the Internet since that age coincidentally and I have to say my fascination and obsession far outweighed any usefulness on the subject. But because of this obsession I would check out dating rooms, advice sites anyway and feel some need to share my almighty opinion on stuff I didn't understand or refused to understand.

Aww, I'm glad your faith was restored You may not be a "nice guy" anymore but you're still a nice guy.

Been keeping a bit of an eye on this thread! Wonderful to hear of your experiences and the intention you had for this thread, JanuaryMan!! Keep more threads like these coming - I have a feeling we might be onto some really good forum discussion topics...

So we were just pawns in your little social experiment?

As a lover of psychology and research, I salute you