The inscrutable Christian marriage dynamic

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This thread is in case I have derailed the largest "feminism" thread into a related-but-narrow topic, so here is where we can continue the discussion about Christian marriage relationship dynamics/roles.

In our marriage, I lead, and my wife follows, and we're very happy and fulfilled in this lifestyle. Despite the extreme breadth of different lifestyles on WP, and the open-mindedness thereto, my marriage dynamic and my wife and my being happy in it is extremely confusing to several WP members. Perhaps I can help that confusion, or perhaps you "just have to be there" to understand how it works.

Well my parents are christian and my step dad did not own my mom. And neither of them are leaders in the relationship

well, I'd say the key factor is consent. I don't know about most posters take on it, some feminists would critizise the lifestyle, and detest the idea, even if is consensual, *surprise*, but I wouldn't care about that, I think in your case is that you both agree on that, and that it looks as, from your posts, that that is what she prefers, for you to be in charge, as it could be somehow of a burden, or probably other reasons, but given that this is consensual then I don't have anything bad to say about this.

It is your lifestyle, both of you, and if other people don't like it, that shouldn't be your problem, should it?

Based on your various posts I'd say you and your wife sound very compatible; who are we to judge your relationship?

I just posted a long post on the feminist thread on how the marriage makes me feel and how sometimes I need CDD.

I wanted to show some incite on my side of the relationship! How it's not abuse! And I wasn't abused as a child. I don't have daddy issues. I was corrected with spanks as a child and the same feelings still affect me today. Except I understand why I need it in a much deeper level. My parents are proud of me and we are very close and loving! :V

I grew up very lucky and I'm thankful for that! I am glad that I didn't have to face some harsh realities when I grew up because my parents weren't afraid to spank me. And I am still young and growing and I do still feel that I need to be corrected because my emotions get the better of me. (look at post in feminist thread!)

moved from Politics, Philosophy and Religion to Love & Dating

I'm glad you guys are happy together. Everyone deserves to be happy through their own self-determination

This may explain your need to return to Wrong Planet's Politics, Philosophy and Religion section. Your wife is extremely nice to you, so you need someone slap you around a bit. It is cheaper than trying to find a Dominatrix to tie you down and spank you.

Well, my wife plays that role for me too, but anyway...

Indeed. What worries me is that she says that she trusts him to make all the decisions and that he basically has complete power over her and she has no say. This is very unhealthy as basically it reads to me as though he won't allow her to withdraw consent and there is no mechanism in place for her to object - what he says goes, and she might as well be cattle. This is obviously hugely open to abusive behaviour from the 'dominant' partner. It's not at all like mainstream BDSM in that sense, as consent (and ascertaining consent) is at the very centre of their activities.

Is she allowed to object? Is she allowed to leave you? What would happen if she made noises about unhappiness? In BDSM, any objections would immediately be discussed and rectified if at all possible to the satisfaction of both. If not, it's considered abuse.

Last edited by Tequila on 08 Apr 2012, 6:45 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Won't some women do that sorta thing gratis?

Tequila, you got an even more inaccurate impression than everyone else did! Which makes me think you didn't do as much reading of my and my wife's posts as they did. Read our last posts in the big feminism thread in PPR (the 106-page one) if you're this worried! But, in short, all of your assumptions you stated are incorrect. My wife does not lack any regular spousal rights. Ask me about specifics if you're still so worried at this point.

OK, I get that she really trusts you. That I understand. But I still wouldn't ever give up my rights to say 'no'. That to me just basically says that you can treat me as badly as you like and I will accept it.

Where did you get the idea that she can't say no? She can and does decline suggestions of my, and I hers, just like any marriage. We converse at length, almost constantly, in deciding the various decisions of life together. I listen to her thoughts very receptively, as she does to mine, and in the end of those conversations we almost always arrive together at the same conclusions. On the few occasions when we don't see eye to eye, she defers to me, as we both believe the husband is the head of the home, from Ephesians and Colossians in the New Testament. She is saying she's ultimately comfortable doing that -- not that she has no say in shaping our decisions.

Yeah! We share a lot of decision making and everyday things! Like were we want to go eat, what movie to go see, what we want to do on any given day. If I don't have a particular preference about something he will usually choose. ie. Ragtime, "Where do you want to go eat?". Me, "I don't know what I feel like eating". "Well, I want to eat at Rockfish!". "Sounds good!". But the thing that really governs both our decision makings is whether we have the money to do it or not! lol And if I want something I ask Ragtime because he governs the finances. And depending on the price he'll usually let me buy it. And he thinks the same way when he buys his own stuff. He governs me the same way he governs himself because his main goal in life is to keep us both alive and well.

And, a lot of the time when were at home I let him watch what he wants too. (at least I try! :V ) Since I don't work I get to stay home and be on the computer and TV as much as I want. So when Ragtime gets home Its only fair that he gets to watch his shows and use the computer! It's a balancing act! We both do what we can for the other to please them!

Everyone seems to think he's some ruthless bastard who is like "Here, you f*****g b***h! I bought you a month supply of Ramen for you to eat. While I got me delicious steak and cakes that I demand for you to make me everyday!! And if you ever over/under cook any of my meals, I will whip you with this here bull whip -that I bought with all the money I saved from not buying you clothes and tampons- till you bleed and make you repent for your transgressions! You f*****g sinning animal!! ! (*HUMOR!* He is NOT like this!! I don't want to confuse anyone!! !)

And feel free to ask me any more questions about our relationship that your worried and confused about! :3

You sure love exclamation points, don't you? Everyone probably thinks you're saying things more emphatically than you are, but that's okay.