NT female seeks input on AS male's fears

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Please pardon the length - some context is important.

I have an ambiguous relationship with a man, who I now know has AS. Many years ago, we were lovers. It was physically intense and the love was deep. But after several miscommunications, life took us away from each other. We moved away, married other people, and now we are each divorced and living in the same city. Over the last 4 years, we have developed a friendship, but the romantic and sexual feelings are still as strong as ever.

I would like to be lovers again - or more, if he wants - and he misses me too. But he’s only met me in public places, and allows no more than a quick hug or a peck on the cheek. He has explained that if he touches me, or is in private with me, he won't be able to control himself. I’ve learned that he is not rejecting me - quite the opposite. Flattering, but very frustrating.

Recently, he finally suggested that we connect again, physically. We spent six weeks “sexting” and fantasizing, and picked a time and a place. There is no way we can be physical, without all the emotions too. So it didn’t come as a total shock, when he got cold feet. As the day drew closer, he became increasingly nervous, and called a few times to talk and explain. He felt terrible for letting me down, and took me out to lunch to apologize in person.

I know some of his relationship history. To him, the only predictable thing about women is that they will hurt him and treat him unfairly. They all declare their eternal love and devotion, try to manipulate him or take advantage of him, then inexplicably get outraged and leave. He dismisses them as fakes, phonies, pretenders, or crazy (although I know, at least two were nice girls who left with good reason). But his ex-wife is genuinely horrible (ex-drug addict, alcoholic, borderline, verbally abusive).

So, I have been the most constant, understanding, patient, loyal friend to him as I know how, for 4 years now. That includes leaving him alone for months at a time, because he’s often just not in “receiving mode.” I am careful not to pressure him or make demands. Even when it doesn’t make sense to me, I do my best to respect his feelings and his limitations. We are getting older and I am impatient, but I’ve let go of as many expectations as I possibly can.

Despite this, he explained that he couldn’t follow through due to some kind of mental/psychological block. He said he's terrified of hurting me, feels unsettled, can’t take things lightly, and didn’t want to just throw caution to the wind. But mainly, he is deeply mistrustful and expressed suspicions that I will do all kinds of terrible things to him. His behavior doesn’t reflect it, but he says he doesn’t trust me, doesn’t believe me, and suspects I’ll victimize him in some unknown, evil way for no particular reason.

He has expressed such fear and cynicism many times over the years. He doesn’t seem to grasp that it would be totally irrational and self-defeating for me to betray him now, after having learned and invested so much. In my view, he is being ridiculous, irrational, and paranoid. Yet I know his perceptions and fears are very real.

However, it is very painful to be on the receiving end of all of his projected fears, when I work so hard to treat him right. He has many good reasons to trust me, and no reasons to mistrust me. Yet he beats me up with his own internal garbage every time we talk, and I am exhausted from constantly being on the defensive. I actually wasn’t all that upset that he called off our “rendezvous,” because his baseless accusations killed my libido.

I'm never sure when we'll talk again, but there is always a next time. I hope the passage of time helps, but the accusations and mistrust and suspicions have to stop. The question is, how? I'm sure he has no idea how damaging it is to me.

So, AS gentlemen: I would be grateful for help understanding his thought process. Can I say or do anything to stop him from projecting all his past pains and experiences on to me? People have hurt me too, but I don’t hold their wrongs against him, and always assume that he is in good faith. Is there a way to convince him to give me the same consideration?

Bottom line ,he doesn't seem to want a romantic relationship with you or from the sounds of it with anyone.I am not sure it is really your job to help him sort out his issues. Perhaps you should be frank with him and express your desires clearly and if he can't reciprocate then you might be better to look elsewhere.

If he is Aspie, you must communicate directly with him.

He doesn't know all of this you are experiencing, and the only way is to tell him.

Courage
If it's Love, it's worth it.

You think you understand him - but you cannot hope to understand what it is like to live in a world in which almost everyone cannot "read" you, continually and hopelessly misunderstands you, and bombards you with subtle messages that you are worthless because you are not like them. In such a world, terror and suspicion grow easily.

I've finally reached a relatively stable point in my life, but for years, I felt much as he did. Example: when I was ten, the doctor was trying to remove wax from my ears. I screamed in pain, but he scolded me for being a crybaby. When it was over, my ear itched, so I put up my hand to scratch it - and took it away covered in blood. He shrugged, looked at my mother, and said "How was I supposed to know he had hair in his ears?" The fact that I was screaming didn't matter - he'd decided I was unreliable. That is not an isolated incident. It is how I've been treated all my life, by almost everyone.

I don't know what good reasons the girls who left him had - but I'll bet that along with those reasons, they also failed to understand him in some very basic ways, and left him honestly feeling betrayed. And the more these things happen, the more you learn to expect them, to prepare for them in advance. From his perspective, I'd say he's taking a huge step in having anything to do with you at all, after a relationship already blew up once. That may not have been your fault, but with the experience he almost certainly has of life, it would be more than enough to make him cringe in terror. If he's trying at all, that says a lot.

Read the posts on here. People understand we can't read them - but they are mostly oblivious to the fact they can't read us. And society as a whole expects us to do all the work of bridging that gap. I'm not trying to beat up on you - maybe you really have tried to understand him, and bridge the gap somewhat yourself. That isn't the point. The point is how very many other people haven't. That's the sum of his experience.

Even after my life started getting much better (relatively) I came to define myself as an "outcast even among the outcasts". And I still suspect most people instinctively. A few years ago, I told my wife, speaking of people I know are decent and - intellectually - know would try to help me, that if I fell into a river, I'm not sure I'd call out to them, because my 'default' assumption is that anyone and everyone would just stand on the bank and watch. Or laugh and point. Perhaps we are difficult for our parents to raise - but many of our parents take that out on us, even if they try not to. I was undiagnosed (I grew up in the 1960s, when autistics didn't talk, and I was a "genius", and I was legally blind to boot, so nobody looked too closely to see what else was "wrong" with me) but even if he was diagnosed, it wouldn't surprise me if he picked up his parents' resentment, consciously or not, for having to deal with a "difficult" kid. At least some of his teachers probably made his life hell. Most of the kids at school sure would have. You grow up with all that baggage, and when you're an adult, you find the world still doesn't understand you at all, you get burned, over and over, and you get afraid.

If you have trouble understanding what I'm trying to tell you, feel free to post again and let me know what isn't clear, and I'll try to help. This poor guy is trying, and I'd hate to think he'd get burned again just because you can't understand where he's coming from. (If you decide you can't deal with that, well, my heart aches for him, but there isn't anything I can do about that.)

The short and sweet of it is just to be patient. Try to show him that not all women are the same. I have fallen into that trap myself where I just assume that "this" is what women want, and I don't have that. Or that "all" women want only this and nothing else. I definitely suffer from the mental overload mental block. I can recognize it now, but when I was younger I learned to create a mask (an alternate, non-pathological, personality) to help me deal with it. Got married twice wearing the masks and, of course, got divorced twice. Mental energy is a big deal for Aspies. He sounds like he might need a long rest to recover himself. Try your best not to stress him out at all. No interrogations or long talk sessions unless initiated by him.
The feelings are there for both of you, just sounds like he is mentally backed up and still needs time.

Good Luck

I an very similar to him. I have the same fears and conceptions of women as he, and so I go thru life without a mate, thinking I'll just get screwed over again. I think he really loves you a lot, and he's just afraid that things will go awry, as they have with others. He knows you, and knows who you are and how you fell, but just can't break away from his convictions. I too am like that. I realize this, but am locked into it because of my syndrome. I'm afraid and I don't want my cocoon opened up. Believe me tho, he DOES love you, and this makes it all the worse for him, cause he's so afraid of getting crushed. I doubt I will ever have a mate again--I might--but I don't know how that will happen. Others have given you great help here. You must try to get through for the both of you. I too am afraid to let my emotions go, which is another reason I don't have a mate. I guess in that respect, I'm afraid of myself and that I will blow it. I don't know. Don't let it go too long. I've gotten complacent and more into MySelf every day. Just try to be close as you can for a while and don't think of sex for now. Aspies are very sensative to touch and physical contact, so get close as you can but take it easy. I guess an analogy is a guy getting into cold water-- he needs to pause a bit before the 'jewels' hit the cold, so slowly warm him up. I think he REALLY loves you and is just scared. I don't know. I'm trying to explain myself to me, and that's a good thing, so I hope it will be for you, We're different, so just bear with it. Some people can't.

Guys, thank you so much for your helpful insights.

tourettebassist, I think he loves me a lot too, and is just scared. But it is VERY reassuring to know that you interpret him the same way. Your cold water analogy is spot-on! While we were setting up our rendezvous, he described it as an "appetizer." But he fretted about the meaning of it ("it" being a couple hours of sex). I said, let's just enjoy ourselves, take it one step at a time, no pressure. But his drives are very extreme. Back when we first met, he had me practically living with him within the first week. And it was all night, every night, for several weeks - we hardly ate or slept. So I don't think he can take it nice and slow the way NTs often do. He even said he'd have to "jump in with both feet," and he is obviously not ready for that. That's fine. The divorce was long and bloody, and finalized only a few months ago. There are also two kids, so he still has to deal with her (and, I fear, so will I). But he's the one I want, so I'll wait. I've told him I'm not going anywhere, and I mean it.

Maerlyn138: exactly. I have been trying very hard to show him that not all women are the same, and I will keep doing so. I have learned to be more patient than I ever thought I could be, and I can keep doing that too. Limited mental energy is a big issue for me too, so I can relate. To get a sense for him, often I'll consider my own feelings, then multiply them by 10. So I arrived at the same conclusion - he just needs more time to recover himself. I have male NT friends who insist he's out there playing the field (because THEY would be), while I'm living in la-la land, fooling myself, passing up other opportunities, waiting for something that will never happen. I don't think so, and it doesn't sound like you think so either.

bruinsy33: I agree that he doesn't want a romantic relationship with anyone right now. That's ok - he will. 15+ years ago, he told me his deepest fear is being alone, and I don't think that has changed. I have no desire to look elsewhere. For one thing, no one else interests me. For another, if I did, he'd accuse me of being just another lying phony. He's thrown that at me before and I never want to hear it again.

To clarify, I don't think it's my job to help him sort out his issues at all. I was married to that, and I DO NOT want to be mommy/therapist again. I never had to do that with my Aspie. All I had to do was show up, and love him. Heaven. My main goal here was to get advice on how to get him to stop hurting me, to stop verbally projecting all his mistrust and fear onto me. Maybe I could try something that worked once before. He began saying something nice about his ex-wife, which I found infuriating and offensive. That witch bullied and abused him and cost him a LOT of money, while I am right here, being sweet for free. Pissed me off. So I held up a hand and said, "ok, red light, stop." He did, looked a little guilty, and that was that.

ThinkTrees has nailed it. "He doesn't know all of this you are experiencing, and the only way is to tell him." That is always what it comes down to, isn't it. And I absolutely agree: if it's love, it's worth it.

I can empathise with him......

I've had something very close to that and it does make me feel (not think) that it will happen again. It seems odd, though, that he's known you all these years but still hasn't fathomed you to be a cut above that kind of treatment. Of course it's not easy for autistic people to judge character, but with all that direct experience of you, it doesn't quite ring true somehow that it's truly the root of the problem.

I don't think you should let him use you as a dumping ground for his negative venting, if that's what's happening. I had some success in deflecting a partner from doing that, by saying things like "Yes yes, but if you keep focussing so much on the dark stuff, it's just going to depress us both. Tell me about something that makes you happy, let's bring the sun out here for a while. If there's problems to be fixed, we'll get back to them, but for God's sake let's have a tea break." Basically, don't invalidate what he's trying to say (I think there's always useful revelations even in the most unstructured rant), but it can be hard and painful work for the listener, who needs to rest sometimes.

Or you could interrupt with a question that cuts through the woffle and seeks to clear a block. A lot depends on how well he receives that.....if he just won't budge from the venting, you might want to tell him you can only take so much of it and may have to leave the room for a while if it can't be broiught under control.

You seem like a very patient, caring person, and I'm wondering if that's not making you vulnerable to becoming something of an underdog. I approve of anybody declaring that they don't trust another person, if it's the case........bottling it sure won't work, and I don't recognise any duty to trust (if it's just not there yet), nor to fake trust. But declared distrust does give problems. It can make for an unequal relationship where one is under suspicion but the other isn't, where one begins to restrict their own behaviour to keep the other person sweet. I don't know what the fix is for that, apart from trying to be firm about keeping things reasonably equal.

I think Aspies often distrust people because of a poor ability to weigh people up. So if he's saying he doesn't trust you, you could ask him who he thinks you are, and ask if it's really a fear of the unknown rather than anything inherently dodgy about you that he's experienced. Ask him what he knows about you, that's relevent to trust, and if he has little to say, suggest to him that he might feel a little better about trusting when he's given your personality some thought and begun to know who you are instead of basing his apprehensions on other people who are done with.

It's sad that the sex thing went wrong, but once again you're doing the running and he has the luxury of calling the shot. I'm not saying his fear isn't genuine, or that he's manipulating you deliberately. Just advising you to keep an eye on that aspect of it In your situation, I'd take sex off the menu for the time being until things are a tad more relaxed between you. I guess it was a mistake to schedule it like that, in hindsight.

As for his issues being his problem and not yours, personally I don't like to give anybody close the feeling that I'm leaving them alone with their problems. To me, love has a lot to do with support, though like love itself, it's not unconditional. The other person has to discuss things in a way I can cope with......the occasional rant or temper display is human, but NOT as a way of life.

Hope I'm not wide of the mark here. It's just an educated guess or two, no offense meant.

Wanderer - thank you for so much information! I'd like to respond to a few points.

He's told me very little, but I am aware of what his experience has been like. I read extensively about AS - scientific papers, advice books, and I've been lurking here for a long time. No, I'll never be able to fully understand, but I can imagine and infer and fill in the gaps. I've also had experiences that help me relate.

In particular, for 6 years I lived abroad, in a country where I gradually learned that I would never be accepted. My language skills would never be good enough, and my cultural assumptions were often wrong. I felt I was constantly being scrutinized and judged, and I could just never get it right. Like I was expected to dance in a ballet, only I kept falling down and screwing everything up and making everyone mad. Occasionally I'd have a good interaction. But the way I got by was to be the clown, the entertainer, the circus freak, the ret*d m***et who was always good for a laugh. All while I was dying inside. I came to feel worthless, miserable, and driven into myself. So, learning about AS helped me appreciate how incredibly fortunate I was that I could just get on a plane and go home. Which I did.

Aspies don't have that luxury. You're stuck here on the wrong planet. There is no escaping that rigid, judgmental society that misreads and misinterprets your every move. It's one reason I will stay put for my Aspie no matter what. Why I learn everything I can about his culture. I don't think anyone has ever made the effort to meet him halfway - just like no one made the effort for me. I needed a kind, patient, forgiving mentor/friend/partner, who could recognize that I had limitations, and was really doing the best I could. Instead I got judged, jeered at, and thrown to the wolves over and over, for six years. So I can relate better than you might think.

I also agree, and recognize, that my Aspie is taking a huge step in having anything to do with me at all. That it says a lot that he's trying at all. That he came to apologize and explain in person, spoke volumes about how much he cares. Yes, I was let down and frustrated and teasingly called him a chickenshit. He'd spent weeks getting me horny, and I was ready to rock! But when I look at his face, it is impossible for me to feel anger for more than about a millisecond. He really is doing the best he can. Ok. You can't ask someone to do better than their best.


Roger. I will remind myself of that, over and over.

He too was born in the 60s, to "unwashed immigrants fresh off the boat," as he puts it. He had "no relationship" with his father (more autistic than he, I believe), but it seems he's always been close with his mother. I actually think she's the only person on earth he trusts. The only one who has always been there for him, when life beats him up. She fully supported him throughout the divorce. He's honestly one of the most functional, well-balanced people I know, and I think she deserves a lot of credit for that. He looks for women with "strong" personalities, and I think an anchor like her is what he hopes/expects to find. That is another reason I will stay put no matter what. I'm busy building my career, so I'm not giving up anything anyway.

So, what you say makes perfect sense. I think I do have a pretty good sense of where he's coming from, and that all makes sense to me too. Sometimes I just need to be transported to his world for a bit, a reminder of how totally different it is from mine. I would never blow off or dismiss his fears, however out of proportion they may seem to me. I just want him to relax a bit, and give me a chance. I've told him I think he'll be pleasantly surprised.

I'm sorry; I didn't mean to imply you couldn't relate. The fact that you're hanging in there and trying to figure out how to make this work already puts you miles ahead of most of the world.

And your insight that you could at least get on a plane and leave that country behind (it sounds a lot like the one which drove a friend to stop working to learn their language, when he learned they were actually offended by any foreigner who could speak it well) puts you well ahead of most people who try to understand. Most of them wouldn't get that unless it was pointed out to them. Repeatedly.

So you can relate better than almost anyone. But the fact you could get on that plane and leave, even though you're smart enough to be aware of that, means your understanding is, at least in part, intellectual. You don't feel it in your gut. Again, I'm not beating you up about this. From anything I can tell, you're doing as well as you possibly could. But I stress this because sometimes there is a danger in understanding too well. Because you do understand that well, it's easy to forget that you don't feel it, it isn't instinctive to you. That isn't something you can help, but it is something you want to be mindful of if you want to make this work.

Another point. Ironically, one of the things you praise him for, the fact that he's so functional, may be making your relationship more difficult. I'm not saying functional is a bad thing - but it's a bit of a tradeoff. To function, he has to use more resources than an NT would. That leaves less for anything else. I'm just learning how to function somewhat better since a combination of having no idea what was "wrong" with me until 2010, the fact my vision problems caused my parents (both of whom were either on the spectrum or had a lot of 'traits', and had learned all the wrong lessons from their own upbringings) to be insanely overprotective, and the fact I was labeled a "genius" got me a free pass until I grew up, when the full force of my own poor fit with the world and everything I'd failed to learn while wrapped in cotton wool landed on me at once and swamped me. And as I learn, one of the things I've discovered is the relatively high toll functioning takes on almost everything else in my life. However, lest I leave you with too little hope - I do also find that with enough practice, I can ease that up somewhat. But it sounds like his relationships so far didn't give him that practice, they drained him instead.

I really hope it works out for the two of you. For what it's worth, if I'd thought you couldn't relate, I would not have considered it worth the time to respond and try to help you understand. If I'm 'talking' to someone, that's a vote of confidence in itself. (Actually, I think a lot of us are like that. He's fearful after all he's been through, but he's still talking to you. That is a huge statement, one where actions speak much louder than the words. At least in my experience, even communicative autistics have a much easier time allowing communication to break down unless they see a real point to it.)

You really are in a complex situation, but I admire you for caring enough to find out more. That tells me you would be a good match for him if he lowers his guard.

As someone who has witnessed the fights that led to several breakups and two divorces, I have learned a lot about common traits many failed relationships share. I also have AS, and identify with many of your ex's premises on an emotional level. My post is also a little long, but I hope it helps you. I also apologize in advance if I repeat anything that has been said.

First things first, love IS trust. If there is no trust, there is no love.

This raw fear can be found in many people these days. I certainly identify with it. It is not specific to AS: I have met many misogynists who chose to actively hate women. They were not raised this way; Some of them grew up defending equality and feminist values! Problem is, they have been burned in so many relationships that they do not care how they sound anymore.

Here's an oversimplified example that illustrates things I have seen that mess with relationships time and time again:

- A blames B for X. The reason given is ultimately "B hates A"
- B did not do X, and does not currently hate A
- B gets punished for some reason by the courts or their own social circle due to trust for A
- B now hates A
- People see that B hates A and are now doubly certain B did X
- B's friends, C and D trust B's hatred and may end up being the accusers that start this whole mess over again.

Pessimism brought on by deception is contagious.



You are on the right track, but be careful not too sacrifice too much.

Solitude and AS go together like bread and butter, at least for me and your ex. The autistics I met adore having time to reflect, and you are showing a great deal of respect for recognizing that.

However, it is fair to tell him that you exist and that you may lose interest in a relationship that doesn't feel "there". It is only human to take advantage of someone who values something enough to pay extremely high costs. Do not let him take advantage of you in this regard.



Throwing caution to the wind scares people because we all need to do it in the name of trust/love.

This is the catch-22: Being trusting means being vulnerable, but being cautious means not being trustful. You can be cautious and trusting, but they have to be set with healthy boundaries (i.e. "We can sleep together, but don't touch my money").

What you are looking for is a relationship where you both are equally vulnerable.

You are dealing with a man who is highly analytical and is finding reasons to leave up his walls. This is a problem, because the longer you leave him to make better reasons, the stronger his fortifications become. He knows that people typically enjoy prodding at other's weaknesses, so he will find all sorts of reasons to be wary of women.

This will be tough.

I recommend meeting him on his own ground and speaking to him using cold, hard logic. Have him understand that closeness is a function of trust, and that you are closer to him than he is to you.

Ask him "Why are you scared of me if I am more vulnerable than you?". Be careful not to make it into a competition. Just prove that you have a lot to lose, and use that point to show him that you are not afraid of him when he could hurt you. Use it as a purely loving gesture.

If that does not work, he may no longer be interested. In that case, I'm sorry, but I know you will make someone very happy!

Exactly right - which is how I realized, his fears and mistrust are not about me. I asked him if he mistrusts me, specifically, for an identifiable reason, or if he just mistrusts people in general. He said, "no no, not you specifically, just in general." Ok.

Judging character is a MAJOR issue. He is terrible at it - and he knows that, so I try not to be too hard on him. (He is a hyperlexic Aspie. I call him "context-impaired." I think he has difficulty "mind-reading;" processing words with emotional/social content; and most of all, assembling data into a big picture, and inferring information from it. Judging character requires all three of those.)

So my impression is that he feels like a real doofus, for marrying an unemployed drug addict instead of me (military officer, two advanced degrees, professionally ambitious). I consider myself a very good judge of character - but I married a loser too, so I can't be too critical. I did not compound or prolong the mistake with children, but the fact remains, I made a bad judgment too. Everyone does at some point, NT or AS. My view is, we did what we did, and we both spent a year or two depressed and drinking too much and beating ourselves up. Enough. Time to live life again.


Agreed 100%. But I don't think that's the intent. It seems he's just thinking out loud. He told me he sometimes solves problems by talking about it. At one point, I said, "I'm going to push back here. This is about you, not about me." He didn't disagree.

So, I think he's just making excuses. I think the real issues are: he misses his old life (not her, but his routines). Even more, he can't picture how he will integrate me into his life. Sex would require him to do that, but right now, thinking about it makes him feel overwhelmed. Is that a reasonable interpretation?

That is exactly what I'm afraid of. But with so much help thinking it through, in the long-run, I don't think that's where things will go. He says he's a glass-half-full kind of guy, and I'm a glass-half-full kind of person too. We both hate negative people, and that's what we were both married to. So maybe all that's needed next time, is a gentle reminder to keep such generalized negativity to himself.

Sex has already been taken off the menu - that's not up to me! But it sure is an easier way to communicate. He has always called himself "a horny dago" - and I know from experience that, yes, he is. So I'm quite sure sex will be on the menu again, eventually.

Thank you for so many great suggestions. I will print out this thread and re-read it periodically.

I think I might know your BF better than anyone. He's me, really.

And if he's like me, he's reacting out of a combination of self hate and love. He wants to protect you from him. I've never had a GF, never made it past one or two dates. And while I am mostly disappointed when they don't work out, part of me also feels glad for them, because I'm afraid that I will be a disappointment for them, that I wont' be their ideal mate, because I quite honestly hate everything about myself.

He feels, I imagine, the way I do: that we're damaged goods, broken human beings who are failure at the most fundamental human experience: socializing, and so we are diminished, and unworthy of receiving love.

We feel conflicting feelings. I for one feel incredibly lonely at times, but other times crave being alone. And real life seems so black and white. Either you remain perpetually single, or you give yourself entirely, your identity, everything to be merged with another person whom you are bound to. I dearly crave someone to love who will love me, yet I also don't think I could ever share a bed with someone, and I need my own space and alone time. Sadly that seems unacceptable to most, and I go alone.

All I can say is do what you can for him. Please continue to give him your love. He desperately needs it. He is so lucky to have you. I don't know why I haven't met someone such as yourself. I'd sell my soul, give up everything I own for love. For someone who cares. This man is truly lucky.

Excellent point. Very true. That experience is in the past, and I rarely think about it anymore. Very, very good point. I am effectively asking him to get on a plane and leave his old life with her, to start a new one with me. He is 45 and I am 38. Life is short, and we lost a lot of years in there, so let's get to it! He says it's not so simple. It is simple to me: hop on a plane (or into bed) and GO! But maybe it isn't so simple. One of many reasons I love him - as hard as it is for me to accept sometimes, and as hard as I have to think about it - dammit, he's always right.


Thank you so much for your kind wishes. I am keenly aware that neither you, nor he, would bother at all, if it seemed pointless. Frankly, neither would I. If I thought the situation was hopeless, I would have given up long ago. Many months will go by, but he always responds eventually. It isn't often, but the fact that he'll take me out for a long lunch, or spend two hours on the phone detailing all the things he didn't like about sex with his ex, for example, encourages me to keep the faith.

What is most helpful is to get a frame of reference on "Planet Aspie," to help me continue improving my understanding of what is reasonable to expect, and what is not. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your experiences.

If he's going to need left alone for months at a time, there's no way you're going to be happy with him long-term unless you're completely different from every woman I've ever met.
I suggest you give up on him and move on.

Why not propose an open relationship? I mean that sort of arrangement, I think, would be ideally suited for an Apsie who needs some time to himself, yet doesn't like to be lonely. Just be up front and say, "I enjoy being with you, and I understand your need for space, and I want to give that to you, while also considering my needs. If you're okay with it, I'd like to be able to be with other people as well as with you, and we can always modify things when you're ready to try another level in this relationship."

Perfect solution for me.