How should I explain AS to a new NT love interest?

Post Reply New Topic

I've been talking and chatting to a NT guy who seems very interested in me. I have not met him IRL yet but he seems to accept my quirkiness and strange behaviors over the phone. My last boyfriend told me I drove him nuts with all of the routines and inability to discuss my feelings. I am trying to avoid this by being very upfront with the new guy, telling him it is simply something I cannot change. BUT, what do you think are some main points about AS that a new love interest should know?

I wouldn't tell the guy that you have AS too early on.

It will have a more powerful effect if you wait until he cares about you enough that he will embrace it.

I would wait until after the first date.

If he likes you, AS is not a problem. If he doesn't, telling him you have AS won't save you.

Do you think you should tell him?

Firstly you don't want to tell him this too early on - it's nothing to be ashamed of, but generally we're supposed to hide our 'crazy' from potential partners until they get to know us better, no reason to dump anything too heavy on him until you know it's going somewhere and he needs to know....he doesn't need to know your problems, letting him know these things too early could just scare him off.

Secondly your ex sounds like maybe he blamed you for something that was not your fault, being neither accepting or tolerant - that doesn't mean this guy is going to be the same, no reason to forewarn this new guy or apologise in advance for who you are - why do you feel the need to tell this guy about this as if it's something bad he needs to be made aware of ahead of time? I go with the theory of assumed acceptance - assume they are accepting of autism, if they are ignorant about autism then explain how it effects you and dispel myths...and if he is wilfully ignorant or not accepting then point out you cannot change and draw the line, no reason to do that just yet.

I just don't know how to explain my sometimes, more often then not, strange behavior to someone who doesn't know me. I know I can refrain from making chicken noises or screeching but what if I start making up words or stimming in front of him? I'm going to look like a freak. What if I get caught up on something he says and tune him out and start my own conversation in my head? Shouldn't I warn him if I look distracted to pinch me or something? OK, maybe not pinch, but try to get my attention again? I'm beginning to think this is all just too much.

you could grab his hand instead of your own when stimming and you could say what you're thinking to him instead to yourself when you get sidetracked.

just tell him your like one of the vulcans from star trek.

if not, just trigger your hypomania then you will feel confident enough to pursue him.

I like this.

Confidence is key, Keep the attitude of you're sexy in your mind and repeat it constantly. Self esteem is critical, Guys adore women who have high esteem.

To create sexual tension, use words that would be considered to have a sexual context.

Ask a lot of questions about him, Make him feel like he is dominating the situation while in reality your pulling the strings.

Dear Gawd, this is going to be hard.

There are probably some things he's going to think are important in life, and you're going to have A LOT of trouble understanding why they are. You might even try to convince him they aren't, and he'll go a long with it, and then later on he'll regret ever having met you.

He's might think you are flippant and insensitive as a result.

You need to be VERY up front with him about AS. Give him Rudy Simone's book, 22 Things a Girl With Asperger Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know.

Please: you will save both of yourselves from ENORMOUS amounts of misunderstanding and painful conversations. It is not impossible for him to keep loving you, but he needs to know the right way to interact with you. It isn't impossible for a guy to learn, and you could have a great relationship!

GREAT advice.

I'd recommend waiting a couple dates or so before saying it. Like minervx said don't go right into it, that could make him think the relationship may require more work than it actually will, but don't hide it either. If your behavior comes up, you might as well tell him.