Dating after break up, how long?

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I was wondering how long a person should try to wait after a break up to date again??

Part of me wants to jump right in to distract myself from my break up and be treated like a lady again (was not treated well at all with ex), and part of me thinks maybe I should hold off because I don't wanna lead anyone on or use them in some way, or jump into anything too fast again....

Is dating, like just dinners etc ok? or is that using the poor guy offering to fill a void?

if I am not over my relationship should I hold off, or jump in???

I am scared of caving and going back into a relationship with an angry person who dosen't respect people and will never change and get help....

I have NO idea what a good guidline is....

I think it's hard to put a fixed number on it......depends on how long you were together and the intensity of the feelings you had. When you can honestly say you've got rid of him from your heart, then you should be fine. Dating should be OK as long as you don't find yourself feeling involved more quickly than usual (though that may not be very helpful advice if you're like me - by the time I'm involved enough to realise it, wild horses couldn't stop me )

You probably already know the downside of moving on too quickly. It's a quick fix for the feelings of loss and loneliness, rather than being a genuine interest in the new partner.........so it's not really love but narcissistic needs that are operating, unconsciously you'd be seeing the new one as the previous one regained, and one day your "feelings for them" will probably collapse, as they were never really feelings for them in the first place.

But there's no hard and fast rule. If the new partner happens to be unusually compatible with you, then narcissistic infatuation could turn into love. The new one might even realise what's going on and gently but firmly insist on getting to know each other gradually, and guide you through the process.

I don't know if I'm partnerable or not since my last relationship folded. I still think of her every day, and occasionally instead of talking to myself like I often do, I catch myself talking to her as if she was with me. So I guess I still miss her, though I don't feel much pain these days, and I've had almost no desire to get back with her since we split up. It bothers me that I never cried about it, and handled the whole thing very objectively as if I had no emotional investment.

I was also a victim of this rebound thing, in a way. As far as I know, the lady hadn't had a relationship for a couple of years, but there's a lot of evidence that she regularly confused me with other men she's lost........like the time she told me that it was up to me to deal with my problem with her mother.........but the thing is, I'd never met her mother nor had any problem with her. That must have been her previous partner. I found such things weird and scary, though I couldn't see how such minor delusions could cause much trouble (apartt from weirding me out occasionally)........then one day her feelings for me just vanished, with no warning, no trigger, nothing........I still wonder what I did wrong, and obviously I didn't get everything right, but I think the end was inevitable. She never really saw me as me........I was just a projection screen for her delusions. There was nothing I could have said or done that would have made it work.

Anyway, I just mentioned that to show how the "down time" isn't absolute - 2 years wasn't long enough for her. So much depends on the emotional maturity of the people concerned. The best advice I can think of is to make sure you spend a lot of time thinking realistically about the actual behaviour of any potential partner, and to be ready to reject them for that role if they aren't measuring up. But if you're anything like me, you'd not find that at all easy to stick to. The heart always seems to get its way over the head.

Thank you so much for the well thought out reply...

I went 8 years before dating again after my last break up, because I was soooo determined not to make the same mistakes, but I was so outta the loop, I fell for the first one who told me everything I wanted to hear, which is a HUGE mistake....

If someone tells you too much what you wanna hear, I now know to be wary...

Wayyy down the road there was SOOO much conflict over my expectations of his misrepresentations we just ended up hating each other.

I don't wanna wait too long this time I think, because this time around these lessons are so fresh in my mind, where as last time I waited soooo long that I had sheltered myself and was too clueless and trusting...

I think I will stick to a friends only first attitude, and hope I am not like you with the "wild horses couldn't stop me"... lol... cause that is what went wrong the last time... I saw red flag after red flag (major temper and putting others down constantly)..... and ignored the red flags and chose to believe the excuses he made up for this behavior, instead of the clear evidence the red flags offered... hope that makes sense.

Hmmmmmm....... I guess I DO need to think for at least another day or two..... haha, or week, or month... I guess I gotta take it day by day.

You are the only one that knows when you are ready.

Maybe try to find something to take your mind of things for a while(a hobby/a meetup group/that class you always wanted to join but you couldnt because you didnt have time/...) if you are scared of the possibility of getting back together due to loneliness and try to keep an eye on how you act around males.

Once you can feel comfortable around them again could be a good time to start.

I think you've got to go in for the dating thing before you can move on to the next relationship - after my relationships I get a little crazy, try to 'enjoy the single life' by attempting casual dating, usually with people who turn out to be unsuitable (often those who themselves have just gotten out of a relationship) and it all goes horribly wrong...but then without that little phase of desperation you don't to chill the hell out about finding a new relationship, which is when you are then ready for that next big relationship.

I say as soon as you feel ready go out on dates, flirt, enjoy being single again but be very careful not to get too involved with anyone just yet, wait a few months or after a few dates with a few people before opening yourself up to an actual relationship.

Yes it shouldn't take 8 years. As you suggest, you'd just make yourself so lonely that you'd almost take the first bite.


Hey, I did that too. Major temper issues and a heartbreaking contempt for most other folks. True, it was never really directed at me, at least not between the eyes, but somebody with that much hate in them is not likely to make the grade, and I really should have known that, if I'd not been so besotted.

Excellent idea to develop same-sex friendships for a while. That way your social skills won't atrophy. Even a simple thing like just talking with real people, if you stop doing it, then after a while it's gone and you have to learn it all over again.

The only way I can stop the "wild horses" syndrome is to avoid most contact with women, at least for now. I don't think it's a matter of emotional strength or character, so much as understanding human weakness. It's when I think I'm strong enough to hold back that I get into trouble.

Wellllll!! !! !!

I have a sitter for tomorrow night and the next night!! ! Woooooohooooo!

After feeling taken for granted and used for so long, it will be so nice to see what someone else has to OFFER me again for once, instead of being with someone who was trying to TAKE as much as possible away from me..... not just financialy, but emotionally, and my time and energy... (he was mesy AND lazy, so with him gone for 3 days my cleaning load is like, reversed, cause I clean as I go)

I think the best thing about a bad relationship like that thoug, with a "taker"..... is it will help me be more appreciative of other people now and not be so picky and snobby...

Hell after that I will appreciate ANYTHING sooooooo much!

Being with a taker might be the best thing to happen to me, cause I will appreciate someone who is at least an equal, sooo much more now.

I am soooo excited! After a year and a half of not being taken out to dinner.... no flowers, not even on my birthday, etc..... not even a back rub...... wow, I am gunna feel like heaven.

False alarm.... one flattering word from a few guys and I already feel like hissing at them... lol... gunna got out with the girls instead and dance the night away...

Not sure what I was thinking, it will probly be a while cause intamacy with someone new just gives me the heebeegeebees now that I thought it through....lol

BUT dancing with the girls, and hanging with old guy friends is comforting, and will probly actualy be WAYYYY more fun!

^
I think it can be self-regulating like that after a relationship has ended. It's not absolute and it can go the other way (the rebound syndrome), but sometimes I've noticed that the opposite sex just seem to lose their magic, for a while at least, after a split. I guess it's aversion to getting hurt again. And of course new people are often a tad scary.

Yes.

I hate going out when people know I am single though too.... cause the last place I wanna met someone is in a bar....

I want another Aspie...... NT's really like me, and love asking me millions of questions and apparently I am funny to them cause I tell the truth and true things are funny, and also an inability to lie outright also makes for a friend they can trust, but I just wiil never feel a connection with one on an intimate level..... I feel like they will never understand my inner nerdy geek....

I still wear my wedding ring in the hope of sending some kind of "keep off" message in public. Though being male, at least the opposite sex aren't likely to be very proactive.

You could be right about Aspies being the only ones likely to accept female geekiness. Again, being male makes it different for me....I'm kind of expected to think like a geek, I guess.

I do that too sometimes! lol...

yeah, it is funny, NT girls mostly go for the goodlooking hunky badboy types (PUKE GAG YUCK) where as with me, I actully used to go to sites like nerd nyc and nerds are us etc, cause I am attracted to intellect not looks....lol
Unfortunatly for me Nerds are getting more popular now, so I might have competition on my nerd search this time around...lol

I gather men are said to be often scared by women who seem too intelligent. I'm scared by women who won't address the intellectual sphere. I've been cloistered from a lot of it because I work in science, so more of the women around me are using the left brain they were born with. Also the few social circles I'm associated with are pretty right-on, so again the women probably use their heads more. "Luckily" my social confidence is at a low ebb anyway, which helps protect me from trying to run before I can walk again. I'm still getting used to losing my last partner and trying to come to terms with the lessons that experience is offering me.


You'll do fine. There's probably a whole bunch of male geeks on this very website who would give a lot to be appreciated in that way. Globally, there must be millions of us.

Yeah.... I am actally recovering a lot faster than I thought I would.

My phone didn't ring for the whole time I was in a "relationship".... and when people know you have a boyfriend, the kind of expect that he would be the one helping you out, so they don't offer to help as much, and they also don't wanna be a bad influence and come between a couple etc....but as soon as people know you are single, the phone starts ringing (or more like texts buzzing) off the hook again....

I feel like a teenager again already...lol....

Gotta love facebook for that... you don't have to worry about things getting around through the grapevine anymore.... they can just look at your page.

Yes I'm sure most singles apply a certain respectful distance to people who are in relationships.

Of course being male I haven't noticed my phone ringing much, though it would be premature if it did. I never posted my relationship status on Facebook.......it would probably be more of a magnet for advertisers than for suitors, in my case. But I like the way on Facebook everything said is public........it makes it hard for people to be two-faced I think, so you might get a better look at who they really are, on some level anyway.

Sounds like you're in for a lot of fun

definatly.

I came home after swimming today, and one of my neighbours had mowed my lawn....

I live in a very small town, and when people know you are on your own they just all pitch in and help out...

I used to come home all the time and find bags of groceries hanging off my door, or left in the carport all the time too...

Now I keep looking out at the lawn and bursting in tears.... I am so greatful for the people here on the one hand, but also sad that my ex just couldn't be man enough to get up of HIS butt and do those little things for me.....

It is bitter sweet..... now I have all the help I need, but feel sad I have to be single to get it.