Dating paradigm

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JanJan
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29 May 2012, 10:47 am

What is dating?
I've been having a lot of trouble defining what dating means.
I've seen it defined as two people who are acting like they are in a relationship and seeing what happens. Some people use the term as though they are just looking to get laid... Surfing around online dating sites.

If you are going out for dinner with someone - what makes it a date or not a date? Is it the expectation of sex after. What if the sex doesn't happen. What if the sex was never on the table. Was it still a date?

As a lesbian it is even more confusing because everyone is female. It would be easier as a straight person 'cause then you could assume it was male-female partnering thing.

In the lesbian community things seem much more fluid. People that were once lovers become friends, friends become lovers, jealousy is rampant.
I feel like such a loser to be struggling with this definition, because everyone seems to use the term "dating" so freely. Surely I can't be the only one struggling with this paradigm.

JanuaryMan
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29 May 2012, 10:53 am

To me it's 2 things:
I see it as that stage just before a relationship is official.
Those in a relationship still go on dates to keep things exciting, I suppose, but no one really refers to them as dates.

JanJan
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29 May 2012, 1:39 pm

Also, when you go onto these online dating sites, am I correct in assuming you are supposed to pick someone you think you could tolerate sleeping with (based on looks), then look at the profile to see if you like what they've written?
I know this seems like a very basic question. As I've been investigating the "dating scene" I realize how little I know.

mv
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29 May 2012, 1:49 pm

JanJan wrote:

Also, when you go onto these online dating sites, am I correct in assuming you are supposed to pick someone you think you could tolerate sleeping with (based on looks), then look at the profile to see if you like what they've written?
I know this seems like a very basic question. As I've been investigating the "dating scene" I realize how little I know.

I think everyone's different, you don't necessarily have to rope yourself into a "process". For example, I would kind of look at basic superficial looks/general lifestyle, etc., and would message people based on what I considered possible compatibility/superficial attraction/"gee, he seems smart". We would go out on dates and if it was enjoyable, okay, I'd made a friend. But if I didn't feel like I could ever sleep with them (after having gone out a few times, I'd get a sense if I was attracted or not), I'd make sure they knew it was a friendship (and usually it was mutual, too).

But that ^^^ is just how *I* do things, online. I'm still learning; and I'm 44. I don't really have an in-person process, my offline life doesn't bring me into regular contact with single men I'd be interested in dating.

ValentineWiggin
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29 May 2012, 6:40 pm

Dating = relationship here.

I'm dating John Doe = My boyfriend is John Doe.

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thewhitrbbit
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01 Jun 2012, 9:26 pm

JanJan wrote:

No harm in asking.

I think the term dating is used interchangeably to much and it can be confusing.

I think it can have two meanings

Dating: The process from meeting a girl/guy leading up to marriage.

Dating: The initial process leading up to a committed relationship. I often hear people in relationships don't' use the term "dating" as much as just saying "this is my boyfriend/girlfriend."

I have found it very helpful to establish if something is a date or not. I would ask "Would you like to go out?" or something to that effect. I learned not to assume going out with a girl/guy is a date.

Sex is not required by any means. Sometimes a first date can lead to sex, sometimes not. Doesn't mean it wasn't a date, could mean a million things. My room mate has a rule she doesn't have sex on the first date, my friend's friend is a virgin and is waiting until marriage.

hartzofspace
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02 Jun 2012, 10:07 am

TBO, I have always felt confused about what dating was, too. I have been out with a guy and had him behave as if we were going to bed that same night, while I was simply trying a night out with him. I have gone out with guys with whom I would not have minded going to bed that same night, who didn't feel the same way. I once asked a guy out for a date. He agreed to go out to dinner with me, but then a few days before our actual date, he showed up at my house with a bottle of beer and leer on his face. I asked him what on earth he was doing, and he seemed confused as to why his approach was wrong. I sent him home and canceled the date. So what went wrong here? What I was thinking: He's cute. I wouldn't mind getting to know him better. What he was thinking: She must be horny. That's why she made the first move.

IMO, if he didn't think enough of me to wine and dine me first, he couldn't expect to sleep with me just like that. Maybe he thought that was the meaning of dating. I still don't know the answer to what is a date.

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mv
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02 Jun 2012, 10:13 am

hartzofspace wrote:

hartzofspace, I thought I was the only one with these issues! Thanks for putting this out here. I experience this *all* the time, too. I figured I just didn't know how to do it right. Which I probably don't.

curlyfry
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02 Jun 2012, 10:41 am

mv wrote:

hartzofspace wrote:

It seems your just trying people out until you hopefully find someone compatible. These examples are probably why I never wanted to date for so many years. I usually had some idea of the person before we went out so it actually never felt like a date.

Lexa
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02 Jun 2012, 1:17 pm

JanJan wrote:

What is dating?
I've been having a lot of trouble defining what dating means....
...I feel like such a loser to be struggling with this definition, because everyone seems to use the term "dating" so freely. Surely I can't be the only one struggling with this paradigm.

I think you should pick your own definition of dating (according to what it most commonly means in your community/culture/geographic area and also what you see as 'dating' as distinct from 'in a relationship') and if you come across different definitions in conversation you can just say "oh, well I see dating as more like....".

...because ultimately, you are right - everyone defines dating differently. When I was younger, in Australia, dating was what you were doing if you were in an exclusive (but not serious) relationship. I know in the US, dating is something that is normally seen as non-exclusive (a concept I find weird but whatever).

Anyways. Pick your own definition and then you won't feel at sea in the myriad definitions.

NicoleG
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02 Jun 2012, 2:10 pm

Dating is all of the above. I have a friend with whom I have approximately bi-monthly platonic dinners, and I call them dates. My usage of the term, versus the definition of the term, is that it is a date, and he is my date for the evening, even though there's absolutely no romantic intent there. Not everyone would use the term date to describe that scenario though. It doesn't change the fact that it is a date, just not a romantic date.

To me, a date is setting up a time and place to meet with someone. It sounds like what you are asking is when is a date a romantic date, and that really depends on how you want to use the terminology. Any time a person sets a date and time and place for interaction with another person or many other people, it is a date, and so then the question is, "What kind of date is it?" Trying to determine terminologies for different kinds of dates is where the confusion lies, especially if two people are "on a date" but are not in agreement with what kind of date it is.

The first time the guy I mentioned above asked me to dinner, during the course of dinner he asked me if this was a date. I had to giggle a little, because I knew what he was actually asking me was if it was a romantic date, because by my definition, of course it was a date. At the time, it was a romantic date, and we romantically dated for about a year, but now we are platonic friends, but I still go on dates with him, they just happen to now be non-romantic dates.

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