A friend taking over

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My bf has a new friend, which is great. However, I feel it's getting all a bit too much. We eat with him now, we drink with him, he replaced me as coffee buddy (my bf used to drink coffee with me, but now I sit alone) and we only sleep without him, basically.

It's almost night here, and he just left to eat with L, even though we were supposed to watch a film together. L had no food in his place and he was hungry, so he texted that he was hungry and immediately my bf offered to go eat. I sighed because we've been with him all day and I thought this was going to be an L-free evening- don't get me wrong, L is a fine guy, but just...all the time?

My bf asked what's wrong now,because I couldn't but sigh. I finally said we don't do anything together anymore, we spend all the time with L and my bf only talks to L when we're doing stuff and not me,mI'm almost ignored so I actually feel a bit lonely.

He replied that we didn't spend the Monday with him- yes of course not! He was too busy moving places.
He also said to my words that I didn't want to ruin it for him and that it's his spare time that I said that so that I can whine more in the future. That's not a nice one.
He stated that I don't propose anything so he just goes with him.

He then acts as if I'm crazy. He does this all the time. I don't 'blame' him, I just want to say or ask/suggest something, but he acts as if there's a blame (which isn't my intention nor my words) and turns it against me, making me the nagging whiner, the person who isn't straight in the head and so on. And I don't even ask much often, but when there actually is something he acts like that.

It hurts my ego a bit to be so replaced, and that he wants to be with him all the time and talk to him instead of me and just acts as if I'm annoying when I say something. (and I don't say much)

How can I deal with the 'blame taking' and 'blame turning' and ask in a reasonable way not to live with L?

And I have a dilemma. Ask to do less with L or not? Reason not: it's his life in the end, his spare time, his dinner time, his friend, etc.

And I feel a bit jealous of L actually I slept 4 hours so I wasn't sure if I'd come along to visit a city with them, and he said he didn't care either way what I did. L was tired too so he called off a dinner with a mutual acquaintance: bf didn't want to go anymore too because L wasn't going.

So why not explain to L that you and your bf and that you feel distant to your bf since L and your bf are quite close and it feels like your unwanted.

It sounds like you've tried to explain and be communicative and that the boyfriend is gaslighting you.

I don't think it's reasonable to ask that l be removed from the bf's life but I do think it's reasonable to want L out of your life.
There are things you need out of a relationship and they include time and attention from your partner. And currently those needs are being pre-empted by L time.
If he's not willing to listen respectfully to your needs and concerns you mat have bigger problems than L.

It's a bit confrontational, but I had the same thought. It sounds like L has some problems, and needs to respect that this is YOUR bf, not his.

Thanks for the replies.

I looked up the word gaslighting: how odd! My dad did just that all the time, and I wonder if my bf does it too, but can it happen uncounsiously? Often, when there's some issue, he says that we discussed this before, that he told some opinion before, that he said something ten times and that my memory is either extremely bad or extremely weird. I genuinely don't remember and I tend to have a fine memory. I remember a lot of stuff, but apparently my brain deletes entire discussions when it's with my bf. I'm now starting to believe there actually is something working strange. I don't think he makes up things on purpose. Maybe someone can THINK he said something, whilst in reality, he didn't?

L just moved here all the way from New Zealand, I think he needs a buddy here. But I can say it, I suppose. Feels confrontational indeed though.

Edit: feel like venting a bit. He's a PhD graduate and feels this is the only way to lead the life he wants. So if the PhD fails, he'll probably commit suicide! He isn't manipulative, he sincerely said such things even before we were together. This scares me in a way. That if the PhD fails, he'll meet his maker. That it's so dependent on that.

Assuming "here" is an English-speaking country, so what? It's not like L will have difficulty making other friends due to a language barrier. Why is your guy apparently his only friend? That's weird.

A few questions: how long have you and BF been together? How long has this been going on with L? Did the gaslighting start before or after L showed up?

Here is the Netherlands, but language isn't a massive social barrier as there're a lot of non-Dutch students and PhD graduates, I think I met more foreigners through my bf than Dutch.

We've been together for 7 months. I noticed after a while that it's difficult to say something or try to tell what's wrong because he says I'm crazy, forget things (some of the things he supposedly said were really important, how could I forget) and that my perception is wrong because of autism. That I exaggerate or have really strange issues, thereby making me look invalid. This is long before L, he's only been here for 3 weeks.

That's really messed up. No one should invalidate their partner like that. How do you deal with that?

Ok, right. I lived in NL for a few years - it's effectively an "English speaking country." (And lovely, by the way - I miss it.) And on a university campus, there are many, many, other people L can spend time with.


In my view, that gaslighting stuff amounts to mental cruelty that will really screw you up if it continues. I filed for divorce when my husband started doing it to me. IMHO, it is the mother of all passive-aggression, and a subconscious way of saying "I want out," when they do not have the guts to say it explicitly. Shame on them. Nothing is as important and fundamental than being certain and secure in our own perceptions and experiences, and using the autism against you is WRONG. It may help you to make notes of conversations, the same day, so you have a tangible, physical record.

It could be that your BF's relationship with L is another passive-aggressive way of telling you he wants out of the relationship. It's almost like he's cheating on you, right in your face - only it's a buddy, so you can't complain. But is L really only a buddy? Are they homo-experimenting? Only you know all the circumstances and only you can decide what to do. But another option would be to forget L, and consider telling BF to take his butt-buddy and piss off. That's just me, so that may not be right for you. Whatever decision you make, be sure it is a good decision for YOU.

Crying now. He had terrible anger because he lost two appointments today- has tiredom and stress issues do to the PhD thing and couldn't wake up in time. He broke the bed by kicking it, and was throwing with stuff and shouting. He just went outside. These things scare me, the rage makes me feel afraid.

When I got with him I knew he had a history of psychological issues, and even though this doesn't look like depression, I was afraid of s**t like this before we decided to be together It gives me a lot of stress. I have no clue of what to do when he acts like this. This happened more frequently during the past week(s) and I'm just silently waiting until it passes. Best option I suppose.

Hmmm... Anyone else here noticing a pattern?
L comes in... BF concentrates all attention on him... GF explains she wants some time with her BF... L acts up for attention...
Dunno about everyone else but this is already looking worse than it should.
Also as stated the BF should be supporting you with your autism, not giving you grief from it as you were born with it. It's not your fault if he's not able to accept who you are.

He has Asperger's too, but uses mine against me sometimes, stating that I lack self insight.

Thanks again for the replies. I'm too tired to reply, but I decided now that I'm not the one to feel sorry for herself right now. We ate with L again, and I was ignored, and when we went to the supermarket he followed him like a dog and almost ignored me, but he has growing problems. He says he has no control over his thought, and is partially manic/psychotic. The stress is getting the best of him.

A project went wrong, therefore he can't lecture at some conference and needs to draw back the article he has written, which is, according to him, an academic disaster, and his supervisor doesn't know yet even though it's in 2 weeks that the article needs to be sent in. It worsens the stress because he kept saying to this professor that things were progressing fine, that is was almost done, etc...the only good thing is that it isn't mathematics, (that's his PhD) but optical physics, so in a way a different subject.

He acts happy outside, but I see the different side. He says he needs order and routine, that he's tired and almost psychotic, very, very stressed and inefficient. I'm far better off and not in the position to whine, compared to him. The whole L thing may be a coping strategy...? I just hope he gets better soon.

It's perfectly normal for you to feel afraid when someone is violently destroying your property. In fact, one could even expect you to respond with fear.

This is violent behavior. Does he do this often? Gaslighting is a technique used by abusive people. So is being physically violent to objects. It's also very common for abusers to act like one person outside the house (happy, nice, charming) and the opposite with their partner.

You don't need to talk to him about the possibility of abuse. But maybe you should take some time to research emotional and verbal abuse, and try to write down some of the times you can remember where he's acted like that. I do agree you should just lay low. You talked to him about your feelings and that didn't work.

You don't deserve to be treated this way. If you feel that there's a possibility of emotional abuse, there is a great support group on Daily Strength for "Physical and Emotional Abuse" that you can check out. Also consider checking out Lundy Bancroft's free articles.

Gaslighting, according to wikipedia, is when you subtly change things and then say your wife/girlfriend/whatever is crazy for claiming things are different. Here, he is denying there is a problem, but I don't see anything which would fit that definition. I can't see any active abuse either - the fact he has been violent does not mean he is inherently a violent person, in the same way that building a house doesn't make you a qualified builder. It sounds like he has anger issues and a skewed perception of his own impact on the world, but I wouldn't say he is an abusive person as such. There's no malice in what he's doing.