Just started to date a guy with Aspergers

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Just a question on how to proceed. I know that he is interested, he made the first move. I can feel that he wants to get to know me better, etc. I have been very direct when I feel that the communication has broken down because of lack of understanding and this approach worked. I was able to get to the bottom of things quick and we were able to move on..My question is, I can tell that he has a problem with bringing it to the next level, i.e. kissing, hugging, etc. should I take the opportunity when it arises to initiate intimacy or will that scare him away? I really like this guy and want to bring it to that level. Im pretty sure he does too, but we are kind of stuck. Please advise!!

Take things slow and see what happens. What we like depends on the guy--some of us like it when you seize the opportunity in a snap, some of us don't.

What age range are we talking here?
In high school I was scared stiff of girls,
but I got more comfortable with simple
contact and interaction as I got older.

Speaking as an Aspie guy, I have to say that
since he's made the first move, it means he's already
overcome a lot of fear, doubt, and uncertainty just to get
there, which means that even if you do make him nervous,
you probably can't scare him away.

We are both in our 40's.. He has told me that he likes that Im direct and cut to the chase. I guess i have to wait and see, but the problem is that I am really starting to like him alot, and think about him all the time. I have not been pushy at all, have waited for him communicate with me, instead of bugging him wiht phone calls, etc. The time we spend together is great, and I guess
Im getting itchy to be with him more. He's alone, Im alone, why not hang out together?
I have read alot about Aspergers, and am trying to be very conscious of it, so I know that
he is going to require space,and thats cool with me..Just cant help wanting to spend more
time together :)

The problem is not scaring him away. The problem is NT women sweeping aspie men along to the next level. And the next level and the next. He's not doing any of the work in the relationship and has never learned to.

The way to become an aspie man's mother is to lead him into a new relationship level. If you want a boyfriend, not a child, don't get physical unless he initiates it.

He's not doing any of the work in the relationship and has never learned to.

Ok, if he has not learned to do any of the work in the relationship, does that mean that he wont? I understand what you say, thanks for the advice. Believe Im not rushing or trying to sweep anyone anywhere, this is only thoughts on the subject..
So, basically, I just have to wait around and see if he decides to bring it to a new level, right? I guess this can take a long time. How long is too long to wait?

With all due respect, you are neither an Aspie nor a man. It's easy for you to flippantly emasculate us for our hesitation and uncertainty
because you've never faced the very real fear we face of being rejected for being too forward,
a fear reinforced by countless failures of both under and overshooting variables that escape our detection.
For an Aspie man, determining the precise moment and means of making an advance is the most difficult calculation we will ever make in our entire life,
and I've passed Linear Analysis II solving nested integrals of differential equations with imaginary variables, and converted functions from time domain to frequency domain and visa versa.

To say that he doesn't deserve to be taken to the next level simply because he's never been there before is nothing but a cruel contortion of circular logic.

You should just tell him that if he's unsure whether it's ok for him to do something, he can ask.

I didn't mean to be curt. I have friends with aspie husbands and the problems are legion; all boiling down to one basic dynamic; an overworked woman with a child of a husband, who when not actively destabalizing the family is simply unavailable as an active contributing member.

These women look back and see that they dated, then bedded, then married, then had children with; a child in an adult's body.

I am not saying that all aspie men fail adulthood. But they seem much more maliable to be swept along in a relationship with a woman who is willing to take the lead than NT men are.

If you haven't already been reading here for a while, stick around and do so. You will read lots of posts by NT women who are with aspie men asking questions on how to navigate desperate issues with what sound more like baby birds than men. Questions like how can I get him to xyz without scaring him back into his shell.

They have lead the aspie men into lives of responsibilities the men are not equipted to handle. And sometimes those responcibilities are simply responding to the women with whom they are sleeping.

That's why I advise waiting for him to initiate intimacy. If he rises to the challenge of being the initiator then there's a better chance he's an aspie who has acheived a healthy level of adult manhood. Or he may want you enough to learn by doing. That'd be really nice, right? Once he's done that, then see how he functions in the give & take of an intimate emotional partnership. Unless you let him take the lead you will never know where you're at with him.

How long to wait depends upon his level of confidence & drive and your length of patience.

Can't you give him an easier challenge? like eviscerating a hungry disturbingly-anthropomorphized bull in a pitch-black maze?
or decapitating a gorgon in mid-air while looking at a concave mirror?

Seriously tho, I see your point. What I'm saying is, don't dismiss him as a pseudo-masculine wimp merely because
he has trouble in an area where virtually all Aspie men have trouble anyway, even the bold ones.

These women are just as much a part of the problem as the men they married. If you have issues with someone, you shouldn't marry them thinking you will resolve those issues later.

It should also be mentioned that a lot of these women don't actually know if their husbands have AS or not, because the husbands were diagnosed by marriage counselors via their wife's perspectives, and a lot of these women are more than eager to accept that their husbands have something that might explain their behavior rather than admitting they might just have married jerks, or at least a man who they are incompatible with and can't change.

FatalNuggie, I know I sound harsh and honestly I'm a generally ruthless person. But I am adressing a real problem that starts with a woman wondering if it's OK to do something with an aspie man or if it will scare him away. I am addressing the OP who's considering doing something that was done at the start of some of the most heartbreaking relationships I've witnessed.

By advising waiting for him to initiate I am emasculating no one. Look it sounds as if the guy asked her out and was successful. That had to count for some amount of boost in self confidence. Doing is learning. If she excercises patience and waits him out on the next move and he initiates - WoW; win, win win. He advances in experience, she can relax into a more feminine role and affection all around.

Conversely, if he doesn't initiate she won't know his level of attraction to her, she'll just never know. And if she offers it to him, he may accept the sex but be uninterested in the relationship but she'll never be certain. See how this works, already the structure is weak.

I didn't invent this; it's just how it is.

It's only circular logic if all aspie men are forever incapable of initiating physical affection with a woman and in this case, one who he is already dating. Do you really want to assert that?

Here's something for you Fatal; On advances;
- As women mature they start finding a wider range of men attractive, they become attracted to different qualities in men such as intelligence, stability, good humor. Bald, overweight and a bit awkward become less prohibitive. This happens at about 30 for women.
- There is no precise moment to make an advance. When a woman is open to an advance from a particular man she will remain open to it for some time, such as the OP.
- There is no precise means to make an advance to a woman who is open to an advance from a particular man. Even an awkward advance will be welcome. Hold her hand, nuzzle her cheek, put your arm around her waist or across her shoulder. Whatever is not groping will be good.
- Aha, so the issue is really knowing if a particular woman is open to your advances.
- Do what this guy is doing. Spend time with the woman. Watch and listen to her. Pay attention to her and get out of your own mind while doing it. Enjoy seeing her and hearing her. Really enjoy her. (You'll need to get over yourself a little bit to be able to really enjoy her.) You will learn more about her and women in general this way than you can ever guess.
- Try to detect just one thing. Learn to detect when she is relaxed. Look and listen for it. When she's relaxed with you is the right time to advance, but it's not a precise time. Because when a woman is really relaxed with a man it's a strong indicator that she may be open to his advances.
- You've got 5 years to learn before women your age will start looking at a smart guy like you with more attraction.

Doing is learning.

This is absolutely correct. This is what I'm saying to the OP. Don't you do that. The women took these guys assuming that they could mold them. Yep. The men are the same guys they married. No they didn't know they were aspies, but they knew how the guys were; uncommunincative, don't listen or interpret well, don't work around the house, don't take personal responsibility for anything in their lives & have anxiety meltdowns. The mother of one of these men cleaned his apartment and did his laundry weekly.

One of my friends says that she knew that her husband was unformed when they married.

That's good! Honest criticism is an attribute too frequently eclipsed by frivolous courtesy.

I appreciate all the advice, but therein lies a dilemma. Everyone tells me that I sell myself short: that I treat myself like s**t and need to have more self-confidence.

I see. So the burden of proof always on the man. That's how it is... but is it how it should be?
Conversely, if he makes the move, he'll never know how serious she is.
I don't believe in double-standards — not for economics, not for social status, and not for love.

I don't want to, but I will. (Have you met us in person?) What I'm driving at is that you advocate an incentive scheme that works against your interests.
Let's pose a hypothetical: Suppose he advances, but only because some previous woman less inhibited by tradition had taken it to the next level.
That would be good for gussiegirl, because she gets what she wants, and yet ... if this prior hypothetical woman had listened to your advice,
she would not have acted, and hence the dude would be too timid to act, and gussiegirl would loose the deal (again by following your advice).

Growing up as the shortest person in my class in every grade, I swallowed condescending slander for breakfast,
chewed on belittling prejudice for lunch, and had to outwit ignorant cynicism at every turn ... on a good day,
so I can recognize the stench of patronizing discrimination from a kilometer away.
And I've overcome much worse.

Haha! Check it out gussiegirl: We've just turned your simple question into a full-blown debate arena.
Maybe if this guy turns out to be a dweeb you should go out with me. (Is my unwarranted advance "masculine" enuf for you all? )

You just started dating him and you're already complaining about him...? lol What a good sign.

First of all Boo, Im not complaining at all. Quite the opposite. I enjoy spending time with him, whether it remains the way it is or goes to the next level. If that was all he was capable of doing, then I would accept that and take it for what it is.
He's a really nice guy, very spiritual, very kind. He would be worth keeping as a friend for sure.
I was just asking to get some insight into the workings of the Aspies mind.

Thanks to all of you for your advice..I can understand both sides of the argument for sure. We have been communicating very well, and he told me from the getgo that he had Aspergers. He has explained the issues that he has in very much depth. I can have patience for sure. He is worth the wait. There is conflicting argument here though. One says to go for it, the other says wait because you will never know excactly where he is comming from if you dont. So, there's no answer here.
I am a very honest person, and have been honest with him in regard to my intentions, feelings, etc. He has been very open to this, and has said that its good that one of us is like that! I have told him that I really enjoy spending time with him and would like to continue doing so. He has expressed the same. We laugh together, and see eye to eye on alot of things. He even looks me in the eye!!
He has initiated a kiss hello, a kiss goodbye. I think I'll take that for now. I have alot of respect for individual people and take on the philosophy "Im ok, your ok".
So, if he makes an advance, like an awkward touch or an arm around my shoulder, what do I do, do I touch him back, hold his hand there? or will that be too much? I think I will just play it by ear and see how it goes. Im in no rush. Im not the type of woman that screams and yells, or demands something from someone..As long as there is respect there, that will do. And there is so, I guess time will tell. Either way, its all good.