how to avoid being used?

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All of the optimism and energy I'd have for starting a new relationship has been used up in the dating scene, and i'm done with men for a long time. I can take this time of celibacy to learn about myself and improve my self esteem. I've come up with a few "signs" that you're beig used by a man (and sometimes a woman) for sex, attention, or money.

1. They don't call before or after a first date.
If a guy doesn't call you soon after your first date (24 hours later or sooner) he is NOT looking for anything serious. I went on a few dates with a man who never bothered to call, but he spent hours talking to me on IM. All of our plans were arranged online. He eventually felt sorry for me because I'm very shy and clueless, and told me his attraction to me was based sexually. I cut him off completely. I met another guy who didn't ask for my number before our first date, and as I suspected he would, never called after our first date. This was our last as he stopped replying to my emails and got back with his ex. He was looking for a rebound fling.
2. They make last-minute plans or cancel them often.
This one is pretty obvious.
3. They stop calling. Everything about the relationship seems okay, except you never hear from him on the phone. He wants to have you with minimal commitment.
4. They ask to be FWB's or give ANY excuse for why they can't be with you.
No matter how sincere or sad his reasons are (eg. "I'm afraid to fall in love again")... he is LYING because he does NOT want to be with you. He wants someone to keep him company and make him feel better about himself. He wants you for free. I lived with a guy for a year who convinced me that he loved me, but wanted to wait before starting a relationship with me. Shortly after we get a place together, he starts arguing with me about money and bossing me around. He didn't respect my things or my boundaries. It was a total nightmare, and I mistook his neediness for a romanitc interest. He wanted to hang out with me constantly because I'd listen to him talk about himself and make him feel attractive.
5. He doesn't take you out on any dates or spend time alone with you unless he wants sex.
I dated a guy who never wanted to be with me alone... unless we were doing it. We were always around his friends so he wouldn't have to talk to me. My first clue was his friend joking about us having sex.. It felt like I was there to entertain them. I picked up some inside jokes about me being his "little boy" (he thought I acted like his little boy because I'm submissive and geeky?) Anyway I felt ridiculed, which brings me to problem no. 6:
6. You feel like the butt of a sick joke. If you think your "boyfriend" or his friends might be making fun of you behind your back, or they joke about things you don't understand in front of you, you need to do some detective work! It is not fun to discover that you're the butt of gross, mean jokes to him and all his friends. Groups of friends will certainly do this to an unrespected party.
7. You don't feel special. I know this one is sort of subjective, but if a man really loves you, he will make sure you know it. He won't squirm at your instability, he will do everything he can to cheer you up. He won't leave you alone until you're happy. You'll feel like an important, attractive woman because he will tell you with his words and actions. It's easy enough to figure out whether he loves you by asking yourself if you feel valued. And it's easy enough for another person to figure out how to make you feel loved and valued -- if you don't, don't suspect he's just 'too dumb' or 'too immature' to treat you like a lady.
For now, that's all I have to share and feel free to add to the list.

Last edited by madbirdgirl on 29 May 2012, 11:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

If you don't want to be used, don't have sex wth someone before you know them well. It's that simple. Nobody owes you anything just because you have sex with them and quite frankly, women enjoy sex just as much as men do.

I know this. I didn't make this post to talk about how to avoid being played for sex. It's about recognizing signs that he may use you after you think you know him, or that he may try to sneak you into a non-commital relationship.

,This is a good list. It can be hard for me (other people on the spectrum too?) to gauge the sincerity of others and see through double talk.
These are some clear behavioral indicators that you may not be in the relationship you think you are in and I think that could be really helpful to someone who has a hard time reading people.
Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed reading it.

You can't really use a consenting adult for sex... or "sneak" someone into a friends with benefits relationship, for that matter.

That matches up pretty closely with my first relationship...though I kind of suspected this was the case before I made any move to break things off, because I figured I'd keep using him to buy me vodka so it would be a mutual thing I don't know if that can totally justify my playing along so I could continue to get vodka considering the nature of what he was using me for. but he was using me so whatever its how I rationalized it at the time, then he probably caught on and well we both just stopped talking to each other all together after a while of this.

Sure you can if they are after a relationship and you pretend to be interested in that aspect and not just the sex, the girl or guy may be tricked into thinking you're actually interested in him/her and not just the sex so they will have sex thinking that. Then not be so happy about it later when they realize what the real intentions were.

You're still getting exactly what you put out. I've been "used" for sex as well, it's not as bad as some girls say it is (except for when the girl tries to get pregnant); I got exactly what I gave to the girls who've "used" me: sex.

Are you honestly saying that you've never seen/heard of a guy indicating or promising a relationship to coerce a woman into sleeping with them? Some people are users, t-what she posted are some good ways to root them out because regardless of what you feel about the sex, it's not good to be in a 'relationship' with someone that isn't what you are led to believe it is, or makes you unhappy.

Typically, guys who "use" you, aren't leading you to believe that they want anything more than a friends with benefit relationship.

I'm glad you've had that physic revelation.

fwb = friends with benefits ..I had to look it up. If this differs from fukcbuddies, then ignore my arguement please. But if it's the same, then thats basicly how I started my relationship with my current wife. I do not agree with you at all.

I understand your need to vent after some bad experiences, but judging everyone based on one experience isn't the right way to go. My wife and I were FWB's for a year, and then we got together, all in all we have been together almost 8 years now. I had my reasons for not entering a relationship again, and I were honest with her right from the start, told her this would never be anything else than FWB's. But, one thing lead to another, and here we are 8 years later with two kids, a house and a car. However, my story differs from yours, I never told her I loved her that first year.

So I guess, IF he only want's to be FWB's, AND he tells you he loves you, THEN he MIGHT be lying.

..and I guess; if he tells you it's only sex, then it is.

I've learned to be much more basic in recognizing when "something doesn't feel right" in my own mind and heart. Reading up on things like gas lighting and invalidation, as well as reading a book called The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense and taking self-defense classes has helped me to really get more in touch with those feelings and recognize even more things that aren't even on your list.

If anything, I'm to a point that I'm almost over-sensitive to the warning signs, because I've been in way too many bad relationships. I haven't quite learned how to be all that "gentle" in defending myself, but at least I can detect it a lot better than I could before. I knew a woman that intentionally allowed herself to get pretty verbal when she was upset as a means of testing her now-husband's resolve to confirm that he wouldn't turn abusive when the heat got turned up, all because her first husband became physically abusive into their relationship. I used to think it was ridiculous that she went to such extremes, but after having so many of my own bad relationships, I'm wondering if she wasn't on to something.

This is true for men and women - no one is immune to abuse, and women can be just as abusive as men.

Reading some of the arguing I'd say. There is nothing wrong about a friends with benefits relationship, if both parties make it clear it's what their want. Then if they have sex they both know what they're getting into. Or one of them doesn't want such a relationship, and nothing happens.

Saying you want a relationship with someone, having sex, then leaving, is plain dishonesty, and a clear case of using someone.

See this is what I've always suspected.

This is the equivalent of the "Friend-zone" but for women..

Both of them are nebulous status's that only exist because one party is either to oblivious or to hopeful to see that the other party is taking advantage of them in some way for a period of time. Some people will catch on right away, and move on. Others will take a long time to catch on, and then be more hurt by the revelation.

Both of these phenomena are equally bad because it means you are being taken advantage of in some way, while the other party is maintaining the facade that an actual relationship is always just around the bend.

Neither friends, nor friends with benefits, is being "used" provided there's no attempt at deceipt and everyone understands and accepts the nature of things.

Sometimes, people enter into one of these situations thinking they can eventually maneuver the other party into a relationship. They suffer frustration and anxiety from the tension of being around the person but not getting what they want. They have deceived themselves and the other party, and naturally this will result in suffering. This isn't a result of being "used" it's a result of the false pretenses they entered with, and the self-deceit. They don't believe or respect the other person's boundaries. The fault there isn't with the other person.