NT in need of advice and opinions

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So I am in a relationship with an aspergers male, and I need advice.

We have known each other for around 6 years, but for the first 5 years things didn't work well and we didn't have consistent contact (although, I wanted to)

Recently (n the last 9 months) we have been spending much more time together, and he has begun to make a MUCH bigger effort to make the relationship work. The problem is that there are still problems- he still sees other women, and we are not in an exclusive relationship (though I think I spend the most time with him) and while I can generally understand that, it sometimes upsets me, and it causes problems.

I really REALLY want to make things work, and am generally happy, but when things go wrong, they go REALLY wrong. I am still willing to work through things, as I feel that things are improving as I understand more where he is coming from, but I really wonder if I am being selfish (as I said, he makes a big effort) by trying to achieve a more conventional relationship dynamic.

I don't want to lose him by forcing him into a situation that will ultimately make him unhappy, and so instead I would like to understand better his perspective in order for these issues to be more manageable for me (as I understand WHY he does things, I am able to accept and find things that may have previously upset easier to handle) however, he finds discussing things overwhelming, and again, I am afraid of losing him by forcing a discussion of these problems.

Does anyone have any advice as to how I can speak about difficult issues without causing him stress, or making my sometimes irrational explanations more palatable? or am I fighting an ultimately losing battle?

I don't want to be harsh (and I'm sorry if this is very blunt) but it sounds like you are treating what is going on here as a relationship and he isn't. You are saying things like 'I really want to make this work' and he is still seeing other women! Unless you agreed on an open relationship then I'm not sure this is a relationship, at least not from his point of view. While I think demanding commitment after 9 months would be too far, I think exclusivity is a reasonable thing to ask. May I ask a personal question? Are you having an intimate relationship? If you are then I think it is reasonable to have expectations about this being a relationship.

I think you should ask him straight out exactly what the situation is from his point of view. Try not to make it a loaded question, and keep it as casual as you can. He may just not be as far along the relationship road as you are (I am often just getting used to someone when they start talking about weddings, much to my horror). He might think you are still in the casual, dating and non-exclusive stage and not realise that you see things very differently. I hope some of this is helpful, and that it isn't hurtful to you.

Losing battle, sister. Believe me - he doesn't feel the same way about you as you feel about him. Your union's impossible considering he's seeing other people and you're not down for an open relationship. I'm no Dear Abby or anything but Stevie Wonder can see where this "relationship" is going.

And welcome to WP!

Okay- thanks for the replies- no upsets there!

I have taken a back seat in the relationship all along- he has always initiated meeting up etc, and has even asked me to move to his apartment (though only out of practicality), I have definitely never 'pulled him along' into a relationship. Yes it is an intimate relationship- and again, his initiative.

The terms of the relationship have never been set out, and I don't know for SURE that he has intimate relations with other women, but certainly he is quite open about meeting up with female friends and being attracted to other women in bars etc etc. He has asked me what I want out of the relationship several times, but has said that he is bad at classic gf/bf relationships and so feels that labelling it as such will only lead to failure. When I have asked him what he wants, he says he doesn't understand relationship definitions and is waiting for me to tell him what I want.

This sounds similar to Round 1 with my Aspie 15+ years ago, when no one had heard of AS. He was 29 and made the biggest mess I've ever seen in my life. Because he'd initiated everything, I too was afraid I'd lose him if I was "selfish," i.e., expressed any of my own needs. After a year or so, I felt like a doormat and got the same kind of advice you're getting now. I was too scared to ask questions or explain my thinking, so I wound up dumping him and moving on.

Biggest mistake of my life. All the advice was 100% wrong - which I knew instinctively, but I could not articulate it or explain. The problem came down to insecurity and communication. Neither of us thought we were good enough for the other, so we both expected the other to take the initiative. But when neither of us did, it only confirmed in our own minds that "s/he must be looking for something better." We went off, married the wrong people, got divorced, and now, 15+ years later, we realize how incredibly foolish we were. All the missed opportunities - just because we were too scared to communicate.

If I could turn the clock back, I'd spell out exactly how I thought our relationship should have proceeded, how we would both get our needs met. I didn't, also in part out of respect for him (as we think of it with NT men). I've never been the kind of woman who'd twist a guy's nuts to get him to marry me. But I now know, I should have been a lot less "respectful" (silent, meek, accepting) and a lot more clear. What was unfair of me was expecting him to lead. That was my job, but I didn't know that.

You say he's initiated everything, asked you to move in, and has asked what you want out of the relationship several times. I think he really wants to know. He's looking to you to lead the relationship, because he doesn't know how. You say, when you have asked him what he wants, he says he is waiting for you to tell him what you want. He means that literally. I think what he finds overwhelming is that you still have NT expectations, in terms of communicating and structuring the relationship. Accept it: that's your job. It won't be the same - and that can be lots of fun. I did and said all kinds of things that my Aspie absolutely loved - that would've made an NT guy cry, run away, or strangle me.

I could be just projecting my own experiences here, but it sounds to me like the source of the stress is that you're fighting over who's in the passenger seat. Meanwhile, the driver's seat is empty and just waiting for someone to climb in. It won't be him. Trust your instincts, and be bold. Doesn't sound like you've tried that yet, so don't give up until you do.

@waitykatie - if you twisted my. nuts not only would I marry you, but I'd give you my guitars, my computers, my clothes, my car...ANYTHING to stop the pain! Gaahh!

Thanks for all replies it's incredibly helpful, it's really hard to get family and friends advice because they REALLY don't understand the difficulties of the situation and just assume thaht he is a bad person.
I think overwhelmingly it seems I just need to be very explicit about what I want- it's very nerve-racking because so far the signals have pointed that he doesn't do relationships, so it could spell the end, but indeed I guess if that is the case, i am wasting my time- I just sometimes wonder if for what I'm getting out of it, I could be 'just friends', as I really feel I would lose something valueable in my life if I go for 'relationship or nothing', but it seems no matter how I try, I can't seem to do that :-/

WaityKatie- it definitely seems very similar to your experience- especially when it comes to being afraid of asking for the wrong things and not wanting to be the kind of girl who forces men into things etc- but I just don't know if it is the case that he is asking me what I want because he wants to give me that, or rather than he is exasperated when issues come up and is therefore just asking me 'what's the problem' sort of thing. He HAS already said that he doesn't want a gf/bf relationship, and if I'm asking him for exclusivity, is that not ultimately what I'm asking for? a gf/bf relationship? and he has been paranoid in the past about my motives and that I might be looking for something he can't give me, as he doesn't understand why I'm interested in him (though again, that is similar to your situation). I know what you mean about taking the lead- I have recently begrudgingly doing that and things in that aspect have actually gone a lot better and it's not as horrific as I thought it would be
Thanks so much for your advice- it's invaluable to me

It is not about his being Aspie. It's about why do you have such a low opinion of yourself, that you are willing to be one of many girl friends to this guy? Man, he is really playing you for a sucker, and you are letting him! As long as he is sleeping around, you should not be moving in with him! And he has made it pretty clear that he is only interested in playing the field. Do you really want to be part of that field? Wouldn't you rather be with someone who is interested in an exclusive relationship? This guy isn't, so move on or stop complaining.

I don't think at all that "the signals point to that he doesn't do relationships." Separate his words from his behavior, and just look at his behavior. I know that's tough for us NTs, but the behavior is what counts.

At the same time, I'd give a lot to have gotten half as much explicit encouragement from my Aspie as you have. For example, the term he used for the most wild, intense, passionate love affair of my lifetime (and his too): "hanging out." He's also said that we "dated," even though we never went on a "date."

Right now, he's excited to get together again, but he's afraid I'll demand "commitment." Yet I know that's exactly what he wants, what he's always wanted, and seemed glad when I've made it clear that he damn well better marry me this time. I think he's just afraid, in general, given a lifetime of failed relationships, that entering into another = another that can fail.

He's always used those oddly casual terms, which I took as a rejection, a denial of my importance to him. I don't interpret it that way anymore. I think it's a mind-game he plays with himself - a denial that he is a co-participant in a joint undertaking that (in his mind) he will probably screw up again. Completely unaware of the emotional impact that might have on me. So I'm learning to just play along with all his "not-relationship" nonsense.

So I don't think it's the tangible, practical aspects that bother him, but the terminology. Seems the same with your guy. He asked you to move in, but doesn't want to be BF/GF? Quite a disconnect there. Likewise in my case, so I've dropped the labels. I don't use the words "exclusivity" or "monogamous" (because, whatever he wants to call it, I absolutely require that). Instead, I say, "I will not share you with another woman, as I had to last time." He has zero problem with that. So I'd recommend stating your expectations like that, in tangible, practical terms. He can call it a purple polka-dotted platypus for all I care, so long as we're both getting what we want.

Again, it's about communication. He may not mean "BF/GF" or "commitment" or "relationship" in the same sense that you do. Ask him to define what he means by those terms. His definitions will probably give you a much better sense of what he's really afraid of.

questor, is he seeing other women because he's a player and using her? Or does he feel rejected because she won't move in, and thus thinks her refusal to stake a claim makes it ok? There is a lot of contradictory information here, and not enough to say which is the chicken and which is the egg.

The request to move in is not as significant as it may seem- it was more to help me out for a short time (but indefinite) time until I sorted myself out with something. I also think he genuinely doesn't understand the implications of my moving into his apartment :-/ I'd love to say that it could be his attempt to move the relationship forward, but I really don't think it is :-/

Okay the problem I have with this is that he's still seeing other women. And yeah I would be interested in knowing if he's sleeping with these other women. I know folks with AS have social issues but I don't think that seeing other women is an AS issue. I have a hard time understanding how if he's trying to pursue a relationship with you why he's still seeing other women.