A little advice?

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I have been dating my AS boyfriend for the past year. He moved in with me very quickly about 9 months ago. I am feeling like I'm at the end of my rope and just wanted to get a different perspective other than typical girlfriends' reactions...

I'll start with the good...
He's great with my kids because of his rigid consistency and they are doing so much better with him around.
He's very loyal and protective and I think that he's faithful although I question that a lot.
He cleans up around the house and does the "man" jobs on occasion
He's always there and I feel safe with him in the house
He's very intelligent

The problems...
I feel like I'm alone all the time even when he's there and the physical intimacy is just bleak to non existent.
He's very religiously inclined (I think this is his specialized area of interest) and very preachy and I am not at all religious and he makes me feel like I need to change who I am fundamentally.
He's conservative (because of the religiosity) and I am liberal.
He's very negative and makes comments about everything all the time that irritate me or bring me down.
He also has a stomach problem that causes severe pain (like crohns) and has to have his medicine (pot) all the time. However when he smokes he's pretty good to be around.
He has very rigid beliefs about gender roles, right and wrong, etc that he constantly voices and doesn't believe in modern medicine (back to the religiosity) becasue god doesn't make mistakes... thus he won't do ANYTHING to help himself - other than smoke weed of course because that's "natural".
He hasn't worked a day since we have been together but I believe if he did get a job he'd be a hard worker.
He never wants to leave the house and go anywhere or do anything with me.
He doesn't sleep at normal times so I go to bed alone every night and sleep most of that time alone.
Even when I show him he's wrong he's not wrong.
He's easily annoyed or agitated a good part of the time.
He always says what about me? how I feel? why is it always about you you you and how YOU feel, you're so self absorbed... AND I WANT TO SAY... When is it EVER about me and how I feel or what I want?

I have a lot of resentment because I feel like I'm supporting him and the lack of intimacy makes me feel like I'm being used for a place to stay rather than him being there because he actually wants to be with me but then sometimes he can be very sweet and he verbally expresses how much he loves me and that it just doesn't come through on the outside. We have discussed these problems over and over and I'm beyond blue in the face. Sometimes after these talks things will improve for a day or two and then it's back to the rut. Frequently, I feel like he would be better off with someone that at least shared his religious and political views because they could maybe be more tolerant of all the other idiosyncracies. I told him to leave two nights ago and then I feel bad because I like the good qualities and I need his help with my kids and it would hurt them for him to go. He's very suspicious and jealous (or so it apears) and it makes it hard for me to see my old friends because it sometimes sets him off into silence and avoiding me for an extended period of time (if they are male). I'm just not sure how to deal any more or if I even want to. I don't even feel like the same person anymore.

Any suggestions?

Yes, dump him.

Are you kidding? What on earth are you getting out of this relationship? None of the "pluses" you listed are worth the aggravating s**t, which is 10x worse. He has some f*****g nerve. Tell him to move out. Better yet, move his s**t out for him.

Sorry to be so harsh, but this really, really irritates me. People who put up with scraps in their "relationships". F**k that. If you want to make someone a priority in your life, make sure they are worth it, first. This cat ain't.

I feel what you are saying here, on the other hand summer vacation is starting and I have NO ONE to watch my kids who will be home alone from school all day so if I do the dumping it'll be at the end of the summer. Me looking out for me and my needs on that one.

You don't just feel like you're supporting him, you _are_ supporting him.

The things that irritate you are not going to get any better over time. He's going to stay the way he is. Besides, it's very unhealthy for children to be around pot smoke.

He sounds awful. I'm sure he has his uses, but so does a doorstop. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with one.

Okay so you your want to use him for babysitting? Look dump his butt and work hard on finding a sitter. What if during the summer he decides for himself he's leaving? Then you'll have to find someone anyways. Plus is putting up with his crap worth it? I agree with MV the pluses do not outweigh the minuses.

For your replies and confirming what I already thought I should do...

Girl, do what you gotta do. You and your kids deserve better.

Sounds like he earns his keep. But that's no relationship, and he's trying to cut you off from others that keep you sane (even if he has no conscious intent to do that). I think your statement that "I don't even feel like the same person anymore" is a huge red flag. After only a year? That is not a sustainable situation.

If you can stand it, I can see just unplugging, riding out the summer, then having the "it's just not working" talk, or however you decide to approach it. Are you certain your kids would be hurt if he left? As an adult, I almost strangled my mom when she told me she'd considered leaving my father, but didn't for my sake. If only she'd asked me, I would've jumped for joy and had my bags packed in 15 minutes.

Sounds like you already have a plan of action and are looking for validation. You've got mine!

You made a mistake in letting someone you knew only 3 months move in with you--and your kids! This guy is an unemployed--and not looking for employment, drug addicted loser. He is also manipulative and controlling. Also, the two of you are not a match on politics and religion. Do not ask him to leave, just stuff his stuff in trash bags, and dump it outside, and CHANGE THE LOCKS. Then tell him the two of you are not a match, so he has to leave, so he either follows his gear outside, and leaves on his own, or you will call the police and report him for using drugs. Then do it!

As for kid sitter for the summer. Visit the nearest retirement villages and ask around there for a rent-a-granny. Maybe the staff at the village office will let you place an ad on their bulletin board. I'm sure some of the residents wouldn't mind supplementing their retirement income with kid sitting pay. Just make sure the candidate has a means of transportation, and you should run a criminal check on them. I think there are ways you can do that online, or at least find out how to have it done.

Anyway, dump this controlling, manipulating loser, and in the future, don't be so desperate to have someone to take care of you, that you have them move in before you have a chance to really get to know them.

To be honest, one who does smoke weed is not a good role model for any child.
You have to be firm and show no emotion (like a brave face).
See it's aspies like this that give the whole spectrum a bad name because of their low knowledge and the choices they made.
I'm sure you know not every aspie is like him. He won't change

While some of these problems are fixable, most of them sound fundamental and unchangable.

Don't try to change him, especially if he doesn't want to change. He'll find a woman who won't mind a lot of those things.

At the same time, with such fundamental disagreements (especially on religion), I don't expect anything long-term.

Doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible. Leave him, and soon.

We don't know how he truly feels about you. Whether he truly feels for you, or is just using you for a place to stay. But what we do know is that you're perfectly willing to use him for convenient childcare. To fake affection to get a material benefit. Even if everyone's right, and he is just using you (which we don't know for certain), you're no better. So maybe you should rethink that sense of superiority.

Your negatives can be broken down into two areas

1.) Things you don't like

These are the religiousness and the conservativeness. There's nothing wrong with being religious, or being conservative or both; but it sounds like you have very different world views. That can be a problem. You shouldn't change who you are because it won't be genuine nor should you try to change him.

2.) Things that are fundamentally bad.

These are things like his not working. I believe everyone should work to the best of their abilities.

The solution is simple:

Break up.

If you wait until the end of the summer to dump him, you're a horrible person. Keeping him around for months to look after someone else's kids is just cruel. If you don't like him, get rid of him now instead of keeping him around and abusing him for your own benefit. I'm with the guy on that issue - tell him right now. Don't be dishonest. I'm ashamed to be part of the same species as you - just tell him right now, straight to his face. And punch yourself in the face for thinking like that.

HDM, that's really harsh. She is hurting, confused, and struggling to balance a lot of things competing for her energy. Besides, what if he doesn't have anywhere to go? It may take some time to wind things down, just due to logistics.

I think there's a consensus that he's basically using her. That's one of those unwritten rules: if you're being used, it's ok to use them back (for a while). He needs a place to live, she needs someone to look after the kids. It's consensual, mutual using. It's sad, but due to practical and financial concerns, that's what many relationships become, and where they stabilize, after the magic is gone.