I tried to meet someone on OKCupid

Post Reply New Topic

And I think that I may of messed up, yet again. So, here's the story, I haven't logged into OKCupid for whole year due to personal issues that I was having. So, I log in for few minutes or so and someone sees that that my account was active and sends me a message "So, why physics?". So, that started our whole conversation, I told her why and we're talking about our interests and a week ago I asked her if she'd like to meet. She said yes and then on Saturday said she wasn't going to make Sunday because she was busy for the weekend but wanted to postpone it for next weekend (which I was expecting because she did say that was going to be a busy weekend for her). So, I agreed. I'm always anxious about these things, not for fear of rejection but worried that I will inadvertently breach someones boundaries without meaning to. So, being anxious, I logged into OKCupid last night, saw that she was online and thought that we could have chat then, so I sent another message "Hi ..., I see you're online, how was your weekend?". Now looked again to see if she logged in and I think she might of blocked me, at least I think so because her profile is there but I can't search her. What did I do this time?

Yes, I'm aware that women worried about their safety and all of that and things that guys don't have to worry about when it comes to dating but knowing that, I try to go out of my way not make them uncomfortable but to the point of causing me anxiety about whether I've done the right thing or not. However, I wonder if that anxiety can cause me to the wrong thing. That's one of the reason's why I rarely ask for dates in real life as well.

You logged on to OKCupid.

Seriously.

I have plenty of experience with that site in my pre-married days and the results were always the same: women would flake over and over and over again to the point it completely destroyed my self-confidence and self-esteem. I did get a psycho ex out of the site (who still cyber-stalks me to this day 4 years later) and of all the women I talked to, I only ever got 4 real life dates. Two were mentally checked out within seconds and the other two seemed to have a good time yet suddenly flaked on me just before date #2. Only one of them would I even consider even a halfway decent catch. As for the rest, it was something similar to your experience: in one case a woman contacted me, we had a nice long chat and when I suggested meeting she flaked. She then contacted me a month later like nothing happened and we had another long chat. When she mentioned she was at the local mall, I suggested that I could pop by and meet her in an hour and I never heard from her again. I cannot tell you how much I analyzed our conversations line by line. For crying out loud, how dangerous could meeting for 10 minutes in the city's busiest mall be??

You will drive yourself to a psych ward if you try to figure out online women (and men) out, especially on the free dating sites. I do get a chuckle now reading some of these women's profiles: they should be begging guys similar to me to take them out with their lack of a car, massive amounts of debt, rude attitudes and the complete lack of bringing anything to the table.

Not quite the answer I was looking for. In other words, it means that you don't know. I was kind of thinking that my second message that I quoted might of been the reason and I'm really disappointed. Perhaps asking WP isn't the right place for this, I'll ask the question on the OKCupid reddit. I know the standard answer is that nobody "owes" you a reply but I'm more worried about doing the wrong thing than getting rejected and I'm not saying that you need to continue replying if not you're interested.

She is not into you, that is all. That is very typical behavior on the dating sites, people have nothing invested and there is no recourse.

No, I'm sure it might be because I made the mistake of sending another message when the last one wasn't replied to yet.

We both have valid opinions on this:

1) she did not respond to your message because she dropped interest, having nothing invested she choose to ignore you rather saying "I'm just not interested" because she has nothing invested

2) you copied the original message back to her and she blocked you, because you didn't get the hint that her ignoring you was her way of saying "I'm just not interested"

Sounds to me like the OP found a fake profile and tried to communicate with it.

I didn't copy the original message back to her and never said that I did. You obviously never read my opening post.

It was after a long conversation that she initiated and after getting nervous I saw that she was online and sent another message "How was your weekend?" before she had replied about my suggestion of the postponement (which she suggested by way, not me). I know about "soft let downs", that's not the problem I know for a fact that she wasn't ignoring me because before that, she hadn't logged in again more than once after I sent her the last message, meaning that she hadn't read it yet. The problem was that I was anxious and, perhaps stupidly, sent her another message before she got a chance to respond to the first one.

You did nothing wrong, you as a male on Okcupid, is just a shopping item commodity option that gets ditched instantly if another item sounds to be a better deal.

Or she noticed something that turned her off, like the fact she answered an OKCupid question saying that she wouldn't date someone still living with their parents when I said yes (tipping her off that I probably live with my parents). Actually, I didn't for a while since I first answered those questions but had move back in with them, not out of my own choice but because of something that happened at University (that I'm now seeing a psychiatrist over and haven't posted about in the Haven in case my posts get recognised). But forget it, that was also the reason why I haven't messaged anyone on OKCupid since 2015 and only started sending messages again because she and someone else messaged me first I haven't sent anyone else any messages at all. Anyway, I cleared that OKCupid question, so it doesn't cause any more trouble. (I've read some women say that they can lose when they notice something in the other person's profile that turns them off, including answers to match questions).

Well, yeah, it can be that too; if your culture is typically Western and think of adults living with parents as losers.

I honestly....don't think it's the right time to return to okcupid while you are going through a hard time; but I understand why you wanna haste at your age.

You do that. Of the most recent 1000 threads on there I'm sure only 995 are carbon copies of your exact same question that no-one is bored of reading yet.

It is a fact that men on dating sites are like job seekers in job boards; while women are, like employers, by far fewer yet have by far more power of choice.

Job seekers get ignored and dismissed all the time; and also overthink where they messed it up.

What do you want me to say? NOBODY knows for sure: all we can do is speculate. I'm just telling you you likely did nothing "wrong". I would suggest it is likely a combination of many factors, mostly because they (online daters) generally are emotionally unavailable. As well, Boo is correct that online dating is almost like a job board, where women are the employers. Like a job search, it's best to get offline and work on just talking to women in general. Believe me, there are no shortage of women with negative stories to tell, like my sister-in-law (she found her husband at the bus stop).

Maybe she is turned off my someone living with their parents, maybe they are turned off because you have XYZ hair color, maybe it's because you aren't an alcoholic like her father, who knows? All you can do is work with the information you have. It could also be a fake profile: there are no shortage of those, but given how even on eHarmony most women spent 3 seconds answering questions it's irrelevant.

You seem to be obsessing (like I once did) over why she ended it with you when in reality, there wasn't anything meaningful there to start with. I repeat that this behavior is very common on that site and God himself couldn't get a date with 80% of the women there.

Answers like, "you shouldn't use OKCupid" and telling me about your problems there means that you were probably doing something wrong too and it doesn't help me with my chances.

I've gotten better replies from the Reddit:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OkCupid/comments/60of1t/advice_please/

Did you even read what I wrote?

I was trying to help you avoid the same time wasting mistakes I did and benefit from my experience. There is no need to be so rude about what is very helpful advice coming from someone who is battle tested and knows many others who are all with similar tales. Don't you get it? You were likely NEVER going to get a date from her and I am trying to tell you this behavior is common there so don't take it personally and think there was anything you could have done differently. If you want to believe you 'failed' that's your business.

As for the Reddit, am I missing something here? They said almost exactly what was said here!

I'm done with this thread.