Is it the Aspergers or is he a player?

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I have been dating my Aspie male (I'm NT) for about 7 months. He is high functioning in that he can socialize and flirt...maybe too well. He has had several girlfriends before me but he went after me hard and I am the only one he has proposed too. He is a drummer in a locally successful band and has no problems with women. All that being said, I found out that he has contacted and tried to meet up with a couple ex girlfriends. He said he felt like I didn't care enough...that he was craving more attention. He has admitted it was wrong and has taken very drastic steps to try and prove to me that he really loves me and that I am all that he needs and he was just being stupid and that he regrets it. I don't know if I can trust that he will be faithful or not. Any help??

I won't try to guess what motivated his behavior. But if he's already edging toward unfaithfulness only seven months in, that's a pretty bad sign. If I were you, I'd leave him. I mean, maybe he really does regret it. But if his first instinct, when things aren't going well, is to look for someone else, that doesn't bode well for your future together.

The motivation seems to be either he needs constant attention or the need to have all his ex girlfriends still to want him. I agree, I am afraid this will end poorly if I stay. Do you think this is because of his Aspergers or he is just a player?

It doesn't sound like particularly aspieish behavior. But, at the same time, Asperger's can give someone all kinds of social hangups. I mean sure, maybe it contributed but, in the end, does it really matter?

I just hope you don't excuse that kind of behavior due to misplaced sympathy because of his Asperger's.

Last edited by mds_02 on 06 Jun 2012, 8:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Sometimes, honest mistakes and misunderstandings can be attributed to autism. This doesn't sound like an honest mistake or misunderstanding.
Sometimes aspies can be a bit more me me me than allistics (I think it has to do with theory of mind stuff) but that doesn't excuse self centered behavior.
If he can't be happy while monogamous he needs to be upfront about it.

I honestly don't know how to answer your question. I guess I'm wondering how long you think is reasonable to wait before you marry. If you wait long enough, you may be able to answer your own question. But you'll have to be willing to be honest with both yourself and him, not so caught up in your feelings of love or fear that you can't make a good decision one way or the other.

Have you been able to find out what he'll be able to understand as attention, so that you know why he claims he wasn't getting enough? Maybe he doesn't understand how you're expressing it and needs to have it explained in clear, matter of fact terms. Or maybe he's feeling insecure because his feelings for you are so strong that he's craving confirmation that you feel just as strongly. Maybe he really does have some issues with women, such as not knowing how to manage a good ratio of time together versus time apart or time interacting when together versus time simply being in each other's presence but not interacting. None of these issues would be your fault. But if you're going to be with an Aspie, funny little things like these will likely come up periodically. I've struggled with all of them. Why not try reading that new book, Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome, to see if it offers anything helpful?

I think it's good that he admitted that he shouldn't have tried to get together with old girlfriends. I can tell you that I've reacted to all kinds of mistakes I've made in life, even little ones, by taking very strict measures with myself to try to make things right again and keep them that way. It's still no guarantee, but it comes from my sincere desire to be a better person. Maybe he's being the same way about this. I don't know.

For another resource to help you understand Asperger's, please read all you can on http://autism-help.org to gather information. I think it's a pretty good Website. Good luck!

I recommend the book as well.

Thank you all. All really good replies and I will definitely read the book. I have been doing my best to understand since I found out he was an Aspie. He did seem to really feel regret and he did take really drastic measures...and he did them for himself because at the time I wasn't even speaking to him and when I did start speaking to him again he did not tell me of the measures he took until a couple days later and I told him that I would just never be sure any more. This forum has really helped me thru the months and I am so grateful for it. I'll let you know how it goes.

I would be glad for that. I'm often very concerned about how difficult I might be for those around me to deal with, especially my girlfriend. Fortunately, and I suspect more and more that it's actually because she might be somewhere on the spectrum as well, she really "gets" me. We did really well for a long time, and we helped each other out in all kinds of situations, including social ones. I help her feel okay about getting there; she helps me navigate once we've arrived. The down side is what's happening now, because of the things we haven't understood about ourselves and each other as a result of of being unaware for so long of the possibility of having Asperger's. (Full disclosure, for the sake of your understanding: I'm in mid-assessment, with the likelihood looking pretty high, not actually diagnosed yet. She's not inclined to ever get assessed, but she's open to dealing with things "as if" anytime it makes things work better or make more sense.) I'm hoping we're learning what we need to know in time, but I can see how the down side of Asperger's is threatening to pull us apart, instead of bringing us together, the way it did for so long. We've been at this for 12 years, and I have hope, but I can't be certain of where this is going. It's pretty scary, and I'm just having to hold on as best I can, while learning as much as I can and working as hard on myself and our relationship as I can. Even if we fail, at least we'll both have accomplished a lot.

And, yes, there is an up side to Asperger's. Please read Living Well on the Spectrum for not only useful tips but some good explanation of the pluses of having a brain that's wired this way. It helped me both to get more organized for dealing with life and also to feel better about myself as a person. That and the other book I mentioned are the top two I'd recommend to anyone. I own both of them now, so I can refer to them anytime I need to, but I first read them after having gotten them out from our local library system. If you're not ready for a purchase before getting a look at them, I'd suggest seeing if your library has them.

To be honest with you, Asperger's shouldn't be used as an excuse for him wanting to meet with other girls. There are certain things you have to take into account and certain acceptions should be made because he has Asperger's yes, but you have to be careful with these types of things because Asperger's isn't used as an excuse to behave in that sort of way. If anything, I wouldn't say that's an Aspie trait at all. He owned up to it though, which was quite an honest thing to do.

If there's anything you feel that's unacceptable, you need to make sure he knows that it's not the correct way to behave in the relationship and set boundaries. If nothing changes, then I wouldn't carry on with the relationship.

If you feel you really do want to make it work with this guy and if you two feel quite serious about the relationship, then I would suggest reading. The book that MindWithoutWalls was talking about is actually a really good book which I'm currently reading. It has helped a lot and is worth reading. Broadening your knowledge is the best thing you can do to improve your relationship.

You could also talk to him about it and find out how he thinks you aren't giving him enough attention and see what he says.

He seem more NT than AS

Is he having sex with them or is he seeing them as friends?

I don't think it's the AS BTW. Anyone can go out and see their ex's.

He doesn't sound autistic at all to me. I would leave him too.

I just wanted to say to give him another chance.

Because of the AS, he might not realize the consequences of his actions until he sees and processes how they affect you.

I'm not saying it's okay for him to act that way. If he does it again and it becomes a habit, then for sure it's not just the AS. But I've done some things before that hurt my significant other when I didn't intend to hurt him. And I've done much worse than trying to talk to my exes. But my boyfriend gave me another chance, though it took me a while to earn his trust back.

It wasn't that I didn't love him, because I really did. I just had to learn the hard way in order to improve my behavior. I've never sought fulfillment outside of the relationship after that.

But don't get me wrong, tell him that if he does that again, you will leave him.

AS is not a carte blanche to misbehave.

That said, people are fallable. If he's trying to mend his life; I would give him a second chance.

No, it's not, it depends on the person. But maybe he didn't know another solution to bringing up relationship problems when he actually became serious with someone, and instead was used to fleeing when something goes wrong. Maybe he will learn from the experience. I'm just saying, he may not have malicious intent, as so often we are judged too quickly to have.