The basics of talking to strangers

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The title says it all. I think I need some lessons in this. I mean, on the surface, it should seem simple. Walk up, introduce yourself, and begin conversation. But I just get so scared to do so.

See, here's my problem. When I see someone I want to engage, it's because something about them attracts me. 99.9 percent of the time it is a physical attraction, because that's all you have to go on initially, at least, not without being a creepy facebook stalker, or reading minds.

Now I sincerely believe that there is far more to a person than looks, that in fact, looks for me are the least important thing. I met beautiful women who were ugly to me because they were utterly vapid and without redeeming qualities. I've known women who would not be considered beautiful by the standard definition, but they become beautiful to me because of what's inside. But that latter condition is predicated on knowing them. I need to get to know people, and that's my problem.

You see when I am first drawn to somebody because of their looks, I feel in my mind that the relationship is tainted. Crazy right? It is, but I can't shake it. I feel this way because I've earnestly tried to be a supporter of women's equality and feminism, and when I engaged a person because I find her attractive, I just feel so utterly bestial, like a caveman or something.

I feel like every word I speak is a lie, because it's a pretense based on the fundamental fact that my brain finds her attractive, and my deep seated biological urge to reproduce has guided me to this person who I find attractive. It's evolutionary biology, instinct, and 3rd wave feminist teaching all balled into one, and it's made me a freakin' basket case.

And because (I think) of my aspieness, I feel I'm a very terrible liar I'm earnest, well meaning, direct, but it means I'm terrible at pretense. And I just feel like if I walk up to some stranger I find attractive, my hole card is going to plainly show, and she will see that I'm attracted to her, and she'll be turned off.

Not to mention, I'm terrified that I'll miss some key signal that she's spoken for, and some big six foot tall football player will come beat me up because I tried to engage in conversation with his GF.

I hope some of that makes sense. Of course, ultimately it is completely irrational. I mean, dammit, should I just go up and talk to people already? How do I break the ice? How do I get over this damn problem of mine? How do I address the fact that, while I find a stranger attractive, I'm not some horn-dog who wants to get in her pants. I simply want to learn more about her.

How can I move forward, while remaining principled, honest, virtuous about my intent?

Thanks all so much

Eventually some things in life, well all things, you gotta just do like the Nike slogan, and "Just do it."

In my experience, pretty much gotta learn to make it up as you go along, which is hard. I'm terrible at it. As I've told this story on here a few times, girl asks me "So do you know anything fun to do around here?" Me, "Oh no, I don't do anything fun." You're gonna botch it idiotically like that a few times, but with enough trial and error, you'll get it. That's the only way I've figured out how to do anything in life, extreme amounts of trial and error for anything I wanna accomplish, if a relationship is something you wanna "accomplish" and not just hope to let happen.

Also another good quote to tell yourself when you are going to approach someone is "Nothing to lose, everything to gain". Since even if it doesn't work out or you get rejected, what have you really lost apart from having less of a fragile ego? Absolutely nothing.

^^ Both good advice. I can only add, "Maybe try talking to/approaching some strangers for whom you have no attraction, as practice?" Men, kids (be careful), older married ladies, groups of people, etc.

Don't beat yourself up too much on the "I'm a beast, I'm attracted to the wimmins initially because of their looks!! !" I think it's natural, and by and large we've become the kind of culture that encourages initial-attraction-based-on-appearance.

I'm sure you've seen both men and women who are what I call "shiny". They've put way, way, way more than average effort into their appearance and it draws attention. That works these days.

When I talk to strangers out of the blue I need one of two things. Either something funny to say to break the ice, or a topic, or both. The topic can be anything that is happening locally that might also interest this person. Sometimes it's just something quick or funny and you're out of there. Or the other person might keep it going and suddenly you've got a conversation. It's very rare, in my experience, for a simple effort at conversation to not be received well. High school girls might be the only exception.

When it comes to women I'm interested in I just shut off my interest. It's a bit like walking a tightrope. You don't look down. Looking down in this case is thinking about your interest in her. To mix metaphors you need to surf the conversation without looking down. Be in the moment. And that gets you experience and exposure. Just showing up and being comfortable was really the key to any success I ever had with women. That takes experience with conversations. Looking back, it was not a complicated skill set.