Dating Connundrum and possible realizations

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Epiphany! Does someone else feel the chills in their backbone when a big realization comes upon you, as you feel the gears in your brain move frantically and all the new ideas flow in? Because I'm in such a state right now. I LOVE it!

So I was talking with a friend who just broke up with his girlfriend after four months because, to keep it short, he felt wasn't compatible with her, and didn't look forward to spend time with her anymore. When I asked him how well did he know her before they started going out, he said that it was not that much. I was about to say "then it would have been better to have known her for longer before committing" but then I realized that if you know someone well enough to ascertain that, you are probably friends, and that's a tough spot to launch a relationship. So I came upon a paradox, if you don't know them well the relationship may fail, and if you know them well it may be too late for a relationship.

The two "may"s saved me there. That's not always the case. You may date someone right away and then find out you actually like them, then it's good. Or you may ask a good friend out, and not get rejected, which I've actually done before. Twice. But in the first one you'll have to get dates with a fair amount of girls, and get into a relationship with her fast, which is really hard for me and my AS, and in the second one there are chances of rejection.

When I told my friend I'd just discovered one of the ways to find someone was to date a lot of girls who seemed compatible until finding someone who actually was, he said "yeah, that's the usual way isn't it?". Yup, for a NT who can meet new people without going through a big ordeal it would be. Making friends or lovers out of acquaintances is quite hard for me, I haven't fully figured out that process yet. And the way of asking out a friend is risky, the success rate is not that good either (those two successes were accompanied by a lot of failures, although to say the truth I've become better at making a friend my girlfriend, so... wow epiphany! Maybe I should master that process instead of trying to get more dates from people I don't know that well yet.)

There I was going to post whether I should go against my nature and make more acquaintances and more girlfriends until I found the right one, or keep going the slow route, but as you read in the last paragraph I sort of figured that one out. I know what my sticking points are, no matter which route I take, so better work on those anyway.

What was initially going to be a question now solved itself, with a change in topic title to boot. Still I want to know, what do you all think about this? Good logic, bad logic, do you agree or disagree and why, I'd love some feedback.

Bonus information:

I see dating in general under the following paradigm (there are more, but this is the relevant one)
- Being with a member of the opposite sex for too long can make them to see you only as friends, unless one of them has a really big crush. In that case, the more than well known "friend zone" has been entered.

Also
- Becoming someone's friend and becoming someone's lover are different things, following different paths, instead of what The Sims taught me (lovers coming after being good friends). I believe good couples should ideally be both, but that is not directly relevant.
*Or is it? The two paths mentioned about can be summarized to first lovers then friends, or first friends then lovers. Neat how it all fits in.

So if the paradigm is wrong, basically all the things I derive from it are wrong. So if you disagree with it I'd be very interested to know why. I've got a lot of reasons, and a lot of experience, to believe in them, but I'm open to alternatives, if they are sound and convincing and well-grounded.

Alternative: Date more than one woman at a time on a casual basis (thus avoiding the friend zone) until it becomes apparent there is one you know well enough and are compatible enough with (thus avoiding the other problem) that you are only really interested in her and only want to date her. Once you reach that point, make it "official" or whatever, that she is your girlfriend.

This also helps you keep a level head because you are less likely to fixate on a girl just because they are there, rather you will know if there is one that stands out, so to speak.

Well, it sure is a sound idea, dating in parallel instead of in series to find someone good faster, but the problem of me not being that good at meeting new people would still stand . Aaand in the Colombian culture it's very unusual to be dating several people casually, women around there are much more jealous than other countries. The only guy I know who can date several women at the same time is both very skilled at picking up women, and very skilled at deceit so that they don't know about each other, traits which I do not possess, and the second one goes against my morals anyway.

Oh and about the fixating issue, sure that works. I had the fixation problem back in high school, but I first started being into several women at the same time without being obsessed with one in particular, and three years after I left that problem behind, even when there is only one.

Oh and for the record, this is all for academic reasons . I don't have plans of breaking up with my girlfriend or anything~ The series of realizations I had yesterday, which I hope are right, were my motivation to write this.

I agree with what you said about being friends and being lovers are not necessarily exclusive or sequential. TBH it can happen in any order, although in my honest opinion I have had better luck dating friends than complete strangers. The exception is my current girlfriend, I became her friend during a Halloween costume ball but I had already fallen for her, and we ended up going out a month later, so it really doesn't count since we became lovers before we had a significant relationship on the platonic level.

Still, the way I see it, being a true friend to someone or being someone's lover aren't all that different. I was telling this to my friend Jessica, who is a mutual friend of both myself and my girlfriend. I told her that I cared about her as much as I cared about Trish (my GF), the only difference is that when I went somewhere with Trish it was a date, when I went somewhere with her it was just two friends hanging out who just happened to be of opposite gender. She told me it was a good philosophy that she agreed with, and when I told Trish this she also felt the same. I happen to be blessed with an amazing crew who are all caring and considerate people who like me for who I am. I love them all, I just happen to "love" Trish as a lover and not as a friend like the rest of my crew, but that doesn't mean they aren't just as important to me as Trish is.

at the jealous thing: yeah, I know, brazilians are crazy jealous too.

As far as meeting people, yeah I know that might present a bit of a problem. Mostly it's about creating opportunities though. I know it is unusual, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth trying as a theory. If it gets results, and it works well, why not use it?

Who said you have to lie? And who said it was morally wrong? You can be open about it and tell them up front or fairly soon after you begin dating them, that way they can make up their own mind. Or you can just not say anything about it, unless they ask you. Neither of those would be lying.

This is actually what I do, and it does work for me. I never lie to the guys and say "I'm not dating anyone else", I just let them reach the conclusion that I am meeting and getting to know others until I make up my mind, of their own accord. I've never met anyone who had a problem with it (including one colombian guy) - after all it is just getting to know people. If they ask me if I am dating others, I am always honest, I just say "I haven't met anyone I like enough or who likes me enough to want to be exclusive with them."

Getting to know only one person at a time is not usually a wise decision of energy and resources, because if it doesn't work out, you have to start all over from the beginning again. At least this way, there is as many or as few as you feel like, and it can be continuous until you find someone who is a good mutual fit. You can also always take breaks away from it if you feel like it.

Note: when I say meeting others and getting to know them, that is exactly what I mean. This part of the process really is to meet people and get to know them better. It doesn't involve anything physical at this stage.

Anyway, it's just a theory if anyone wants an alternative to the classic dating model.