Help :(

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Recently, I hurt the girl I love more then anything.

I didn't know what I was doing to her, how much is was hurting her...
Everything little thing bad she did, I would get annoyed at her... and would start ignoring her... I did it multible times.
Blocked her on facebook and skype a few of them times and ignored her calls/txts, said that was it, told her it was over...
Made her feel so s**t..


I did it because she didn't seem to care, didn't seem at all hurt whenever she hurt me... I was blind to the fact it was hurting her a lot, she was just keeping it all to herself.
A few nights ago, she did something that really hurt me and I was quite annoyed about it, so I did end up ignoring her for a few hours. When I came back, she said that was it... It was over, then she blocked me and started ignoring my txts.. :/
It was only about a week afterwards she started talking to me again, though is still extremely annoyed and doesn't think she will want to get back together with me ever.

How do I explain to her why I did it and that I didn't see it hurt her, I didn't know what I was doing?

Last edited by _DyL_ on 27 Jun 2012, 2:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

First off, you'e going to have to be less vague.

What things were hurting you exactly?
I think you have to think about those, before you apologize to her. Because if they are going to keep happening, or if there's nothing wrong with them but you don't like them anyway you are both going to be in an unhappy relationship.

For once, I agree with DogsWithoutHorses. This seems like a bad Hollywood screenplay, only without the context to make it comprehensible.

She flirted with other guys.
Quite often. :/

I don't overly want to go into to much detail, as it is quite personal some of the things.

Okay, how can you be sure of this? What was she doing that you considered to be flirting?
If this is true, then I wouldn't bother going back to her. Just be sorry it didn't work out, and sorry how you handled it.

Well, I'm not sure if I'm over reacting...
Firstly on facebook, she would always put x's after messages (ie: "hey x") and love hearts, even saying "I love you" to other guys at times.. That's when it hurt the most.

The worst time, she was actually talking quite dirty (sexual) with another guy on facebook... She never even told me about it, I only found out a few days later when she gave me her facebook password though forgot to delete the inboxes.

I would honestly call it a day with this girlfriend of yours. You both have insecurity problems and they cause both of you to do crazy things. You're violating her privacy, and she's going to other guys behind your back for attention. I don't think you two are good for each other. Find someone that makes you happy and you don't feel insecure with.

Most of her behavior seemed fairly above board but the flirting in private and talking dirty...is not.
However, I'd look at the dates this happened. If it was in the past, before you were going out then that's hardly a crime. It was before you dated.

Last edited by JanuaryMan on 27 Jun 2012, 2:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Is that her personality? (some people are just bubbly and flirty, and some people enjoy sexual humor and stuff)
Or is it serious? Does she think she's flirting, or being sociable?
If it was focused on one person it would sound like she was looking to move on, but if it's all the time with a bunch of people it sounds like she was expressing herself and being social in the manner she's used too and felt like you were being controlling/possessive when you punished her with the silent treatment for it.

The behaviour described here, however vague, sounds to me to be very immature behaviour. Are you teenagers? If so, there is hope that you can learn and aquire better skills in order to relate to other people.

Please understand I am not saying that you are immature, but behaviours such as being wishy washy, going back and forth blaming, ignoring, hurting each other intentionaly, blocking someone, etc, are behaviours which signal immaturity in relationships. The only way to improve to replace these behaviours with more mature choices, such as: treating someone consistently so that they can grow to trust you, taking responsibility for your actions instead of placing blame or making excuses, dealing with conflict directly, via conversation about how you feel and why things happened rather than ignoring each other or punishing each other with "blocking" on FB or text or whatever.

I am just saying this to suggest some things that you could apply that would work better, whether it is with this particular girl or someone else in the future. You can't control what she does, what she says or thinks, you can only improve your own behaviour and how you react to people.

The flirting I'm not sure about, it was with quite a few different people so it may have just have been friendliness.
However, the sexual talk... She was fully into it, that was real..
Don't want to go into detail, though she was gaining pleasure out of it. >.<

Thank you for your reply, yes we both are teenages.
How would you suggesting improving, what methods do you personally use?

Since you put the bold part in the post, I'm assuming she either told you or you figured it out. Either way, that's a HUGE red flag and to me sends a big signal that she isn't worth trying to repair the relationship for.

Side note: Bad things happen in relationships, big or small. Blocking someone/ignoring them purposefully is not the best way to handle a problem like that (unless you were having a shutdown, which would be a case when you physically wouldn't have the energy to respond.) The best way to handle it would be to try and talk it out with her and deeply try to evaluate what happened (i.e. "Why did this hurt? How come you react that way? etc.) If neither party is willing to do at least that, then neither one of you is worth the others' time. It seems this just didin't work out. Move on, otherwise it could get worse.

Thanks
I'm still not sure why she did it though, me and her talk quite dirty all the time as it is; I have no understanding why she would want to go to someone else instead..
Maybe she really isn't right for me.

I have used alot of trial and error and mostly error. How NOT to communicate and have healthy relationships. That is not the path I recommend.

Find someone who has a healthy relationship based on honesty and respect that you can look to as a model, or ask important questions. It may be hard to find, I certainly dont have any examples in my own family. But they are out there.

Try to communicate honestly, and not say or do things to please the other person or win their acceptance. The sooner you can learn to listen to yourself, your heart and your gut, and follow through with honoring your own needs, the sooner you will find yourself relating authentically to other people and not having these drama filled moments where you hurt them bc they hurt you, etc. If someone hurts you, you can take a moment and realize OUCH that hurt. And then instead of just automatically hurting them back, you can be the bigger person and decide: Is this hurt a pattern of behaviour on their part? Who would it really benefit for me to stay and receive these daily hurts? Have I stood up for myself to say how that action affects me? it is OK to say "I feel very sad/mad/betrayed when you flirt with your friend on facebook" or whatever other action hurts you. No one can tell you what your feelings are supposed to be in response to something.

It takes practice to own your reactions and responses to other people, and to act in ways that are true to yourself instead of just being knee jerk responses from strong emotions to the often painful things other people do and say. Have a try at it, though, I think it is worth gaining skills in this area.

good luck