So, what did I do wrong?

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Hello folks!

There is something heavily on my mind at the moment that I really can't figure out. For those who still remember and helped me out the last time, it is about my best friend back from high school, the one that moved to Spain that my mother recently told me that she admitted to her that she always thought we would get together. The last times I saw her before she left, she was really, really nice with me, it was like the times back in school, we cooked dinner together and talked about stuff, you know, that kind of things. Now, since we haven't talked to each other since then (about half a year), I tried to contact her the other day. I added her on facebook (I set up my account only recently, and part of it was due to me wanting to stay in touch with her), and after she didn't react (I figured she might not check her FB everyday, I sure don't), I called her on her mobile. She answered, and was rather surprised that I called her. She sounded really reserved when I talked to her, nothing like the last time we talked, and she seemed somehow distracted. She also asked me if it was me that sent her a friends request on FB, and when I said yes, she said something akin to "Wow, never thought you would get a FB account!" I said: "Well, yes, it is convenient for organizing some groups" to which she said "Yes, and to stay in contact with me I suppose?" To which I just replied "Yes, sort off!" She sounded... I don't know, offended in a way that I tried to add her on facebook. She then said she was busy at the moment (she was getting her makeup done for some photoshooting), and asked if she could call me back later. We agreed on a time and I hung up. Of course, she didn't call me back that day, or later at all. I tried calling her back again, but she didn't pick up. She also did not confirm my friends request on FB. Frankly, I don't know what to make of this. I don't want to bother her, trying to call her every day and stuff like that. But I really don't understand why she's treating me like that, and what I have done. She is one of my oldest friends, and even though I didn't see each other that frequently over the past years, I still valued her as a very close friend. I don't know how you can get from being so nice and cheerful with me to almost being annoyed and offended by me. There has been nothing going on in between. I am usually not that soppy when it comes to friends, but It does sadden me very much that she doesn't seem to want anyhting to do with me anymore, and from my perspective, I haven't done anything to deserve this kind of treatment. I mean, she could just say so, I would still be confused, but just ignoring me is making me wholeheartedly sad.

I am grateful for any advice, because maybe there is something I am missing. I would really like to stay in touch with her, and the last times, it has always been her who called me or stood in front of my door all of a sudden. Somehow, I feel a little abused, as this was always after she had broken up with her recent boyfriend, or when something didn't go to well in her life.
Many thanks in advance.

From my personal experiences, I have quite a 'mono' tone of voice, it doesn't overly change much when speaking...
What I was thinking (if this is the same for you), maybe you said "well yes, sort of!" in a way that made it sound as if you didn't at all make facebook due to this. She may have thought (due to her telling your mother what she did), maybe your mother encouraged you or forced you into talking to her again, rather then you choosing to.

Just my crazy theory.

Good people turn evil sometimes, this is the case with her unfortunately, best to move on and forget about her.

I see nothing about your part having to do with this.

Thing is, it's not that I have romantic feelings for her, I just consider her one of my best friends, and it is the first time I have been cut off by a friend like this. Of course I will move on, but I somehow feel guilty, because I get the feeling there is something I must have done to her.

The only thing I can see which you are responsible for and that is having a duplicate thread.
Honestly though, you've done nothing in this situation.

Last edited by PastFixations on 28 Jun 2012, 2:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

From what you describe, she just uses you as a last resort friend to hang out with whenever she breaks up with boyfriends or has other troubles in her life. I guess she either has a current BF or is not having troubles in her life, or both right now, so she doesn't need her last resort friend for now.

This girl doesn't sound like much of a friend if she only wants to see you when things are not going well in her life. It is also obvious that she doesn't see you as a serious date.

Don't waste time hanging out by the phone or the internet to hear from such a fickle friend. There are plenty of other fish in the sea--go out and catch someone in your area.

- Take courses, either in person, or online. Some of the online ones are free. The in person ones are a good way to meet people.

- Volunteer. There are people worse off than we are, who would really appreciate the help. It's also a good way to meet people, and boost your self image and mood.

- Take up a hobby or join a club. These are good ways to meet people who share your interests.

- Get involved in community activities. Attend town meetings, events at local libraries and other local organizations. Attend local sporting events, fairs, and art shows. Attend and/or participate in local theater groups. These are all great ways to meet people and boost your self image and mood.

Now, go out and meet people, and good luck!

You have the right end of it, as does Questor.

You're backup, standby guy, whatever.

That's not really a friend, that's an emotional leech. If she doesn't have time for you when times are good, you shouldn't have time for her when times are bad.

I guess that's how it is, huh? After all these years, I guess I should face the truth. I feel kinda stupid now, as I truly was under the impression that we were friends. I guess I should send her a message of sorts to have an end to it for me.

Not being able to read minds isn't stupid. It's human. Sometimes you can't see what's going on because you're too close to the situation.

Incidentally, I had a similar bout of what's gone on with you, until a different girl clued me in on what was going on. Once she said it, I looked back and, lo and behold, it was true.

This throws me back in my ability to trust other people by quite alot. I appreciate the help and input from all of you, many thanks. Just weird when someone you thought was your friend wasn't. I am usually quite sturdy when it comes to taking thins like this, but this is quite a hit to me.

Lesson to be learned. Don't give up. There's plenty of NTs out there worth knowing.

Sometimes the truth is hard to hear but you can be proactive by searching for more friends who will like you and not just give you a hard time.

When you last talked (before she left), how serious was your discussion? I'm just wondering if she was hinting you to make a move and you never did.

Well, we were messing about quite alot, you know, laughing, talking about were I wanted to go after I finished college, about her moving to Spain, stuff like that. She suggested we should cook together, and she liked what I made really much. She was talking about her then on/off-boyfriend alot, though, how she can't decide whether she wanted to be with him or not. She then left at about 11:30pm because she said she was still arranged to meet some of her friends. She's always been very outgoing, so I didn't think much about it back then. It never really occured to me that she could see a suitable partner in me, because she is more of a punk type girl, and her boyfriends were usually small, skinny punks (with questionable ways of treating women, I have to say, this always bothered me alot because I thought she deserved better), and I have to say that she is very attractive. ne of the reasons why I never bothered thinking about her in a romantic way, because I figured that, apart from obviously not being her type - I am neither small nor was I ever skinny - the huge difference in attractiveness between us would be a deal breaker for her anyways; this is one of the reasons why I thought we made good friends: there was not gonna be any kind of romantic feelings in the way... that is until my mother told me the things I already said.

Thanks again to all of you for your insight. I sent her a message stating that it deeply saddens me that she didn't call me back or react to my messages, and that I wish her the best for whatever course she might steer in the future. I'm still a little shaken, I had to say goodbye to one of my longest friendships, but I guess there's nothing I can do. I just wish I knew what was going through her mind, and why she obviously decided she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. After such a long time, you'd think she'd have the decency and courtesy to tell me.

Either she was concerned how you'd react or... she simply never wanted to tell you because you were too easy to convince and/or confide in...
Tell me, is it possible that even though you kept her things secret that she kept yours to herself?