Is this really too much to ask

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I mean I am not sex obsessed in fact as a Christian I don't even believe in sex before marriage. All I want is a girl who can be there for me so that I don't feel like complete loner. Someone I can go to the movies with or enjoy the city or whatever. Someone who goes to school at least half time so that perhaps we have some overlap in our interests. Someone not extremely overweight and without extreme emotional problems (past abuse or what not). For some reason everyone I ever had failed to meet the last two criteria. Why can't I just be NORMAL and have a normal average girl. Its not like I am so picky. I just hate being so isolated all the time with no where to turn.

Face it, females just don't do that. Find another target in life.

Female what? Elephants? Parrots?
Oh, did you mean women?

For now, yes you need to find another passion in life.

In a very general sense, you need to wait until yourself and the ladies are over 30, then the tables might turn in your favour.

In terms of wanting to 'be normal' in having some kind of relationship, or girlfriend, well within many groups of girls, you often overhear them chatting on the bus or metro or whatever, there is very often this phrase said from one girl to another that goes like this, "awww you should try getting to know that John guy, he seems really nice". But the attraction is never there because that John guys is a 'nice guy' ; interpret that as "boring" "predicatable" = probably won't go further than hanging out down the shops or the movies with me, = not attractive to many younger women.

Many women who were previously attracted to the popular guys, guys that were were unstable, overly confident and unpredictable a-holes; are very different now. After many women turn about 30 they start to find attraction and start to appreciate the more stable down-to-earth guys.

Remember the younger girls have to care about how their boyfriend is perceived to their group of girly friends. You have to enable to girl to fit in with her peers without seeming 'different'. Otherwise she will be picked on for having a nerdy boyfriend (or shy boyfriend or whatever).

There are lots of smart, funny, witty, affectionate and caring, Neurotypical and Aspie men and women out there. That is one thing that my World travels have really taught me. But you might need to look further afield than your neighbourhood to find the right ones.

You can never control what creates attraction in people. Yourself included.

I am 32 right now. But I went to work in India when I was 29 and I am still there; probably will stay there for another year or more. Since I am not interested in Indian girls, I am trying to go on online dating sites to see if anyone can do long distance with me. Actually found one, she is my age; but she has been sexually abused and as a result she is roller coaster. Other than her I have never seen anyone willing to do long distance.

The other thing that frustrates me is that I never got to enjoy my 20-s. I wish I could find someone in her 20-s to do what I haven't done before. Besides I am a lot younger than my age anyway as a lot of aspies are. From my looks you would give me early 20-s at most. But anyway I guess early 20-s is too much of an age gap. But like, can I find someone around 27 or 28 who would accept me for who I am and who herself is not too disturbed.

But was it your choice to emigrate/ be an ex-pat, and work in India?

If you chose to be geographically distanced from the place of your origin or your original culture that you want to connect with, then you can hardly complain about ... well the distance.

me neither. I know what you mean there, and how you want to catch up for lost time.

Last edited by Chris71 on 06 Jun 2012, 5:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm a christian as well and so was my ex. We had sex on the first date. Even though you might believe in sexual abstinence until marriage, a lot of girls are turned off by inexperience. Furthermore, 2000 years ago, abstinence was really the only way of keeping STDs down, hence, the Bible promotes it (however, it doesn't promote the idea that having sex before marriage is a sin either).

Yes and no. I want to do postdoc in physics. Since it is so competitive I was not able to get any positions in the West. I mean I applied to 100 schools in USA, Canada and Europe and they all turned me down. So India was my only option. Now physics was my life time goal since I was 9. So I would pursue it at any cost.

Now I recently realized why I have that issue. I have 20 papers on arXiv but I have only one journal paper and journals is what counts. So right now I am trying to increase the number of my journal papers and once I do perhaps I can go to the west. But then again I realized it way too late. A lot of ppl who get their Ph.D. have already 10 or 20 journal papers while in my case its already been 3 years since my ph.d. and I only have one. So that is another thing that holds me back. If I take too much longer they will stop offering me postdocs altogether simply because too much time from ph.d. looks a bit fishy. But I am trying my best to catch up I guess. And while I am in the process of it I need to be in India since affiliation in India is better than no affiliation at all.

Well I never remember a case when a girl liked me and then when I said I don't want sex before marriage she was turned off. What DID turn them off is my general naivette (and this is what you are probably referring by inexperience); but I don't think this has anything to do with having or not having sex.



Since you said you are a Christian, you have to realize that it is not about STD-s but about pleasing God and afterlife.

If i remember correctly, St. Paul underlines that the stuff about sex before marriage are his words and not God's. To me, it also seems as if he presents it as a well-meant suggestion and not a rule.

http://socrates58.blogspot.no/2009/11/p ... t-and.html

Good deeds are their own reward; I don't do them to "please" God. I'm sure that's why God equipped us with a sense of moral and a conscience.

What you are referring to is 1 Cor 7:6. What Paul refers to as "his own opinion" is that sex WITHIN marriage is inferior to life without sex:

1 Cor 7:5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.
7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I.
9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

But this is quite separate from the fact that sex OUTSIDE of marriage is sinful. The latter is something that was reiterated over and over as Gods commandment:

1 Cor 6:9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men[a] 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

It's not that there aren't women out there that will meet these needs, it's that you are only considering your needs and not their own.

Their needs aren't whatever you think they are, it is whatever they tell you they are. Elaborating on needs, you're basically asking a woman to fulfil your mental emotional needs (mental wellbeing and spatial comfort) while you will not necessarily be fulfilling her emotional needs (intimate / mental combo).

On top of this you are not wanting to allow them to meet someone that will do this for them while they give you the basic needs you're asking for (which are more akin to friendships than relationships in modern day society).

TL: DR version:
You are asking for a woman to be your exclusive access girlfriend but behave like a friend only in terms of modern friendships & relationships. This will make your dating experience like finding a needle in a nebula sized haystack. I'd suggest finding something else to pass your time until another relationship naturally happens.

I could not have said it better.

Yes, Roman, you are asking for too much.

I'm going to have to agree with Roman on this one. It is in fact a sin.

Can you tell me which of their needs am I not fulfilling?

I mean I am sure that this has nothig to do with my not wanting sex, as I don't remember a single time when saying I don't want sex lead them to turn me down. The only three scenarios that happened were

1. MOST COMMON. I turned them off long before I had a chance to say I don't want sex. This means, logically, that the reason for "no" can't possibly be my abstinance for the simple reason taht they didn't know about it.

2. They agreed to date me exclusively without sex. But within a month or two something else came up that broke us up which has nothing to do with sex.

3. The two long term girlfriends that I had agreed not to have sex but half a year into relationship they started pressing for taking more and more steps in sexual direction, contrary to what they agreed at first. Eventually I ended up having oral sex which I regret. I never had actual sex though.

As you see, in none of the three cases was I turned down for refusing sex.

Now it is true that I have hard time getting girlfriend because I don't fulfill their needs. But since, based on above analysis, it has nothing to do with sex, can you tell me what their needs are that I don't fulfill. I mean you are right that I dno't fulfill SOME of their needs. Especially look at part 1 where I said that most girls reject me long before I ever tell them about sex. So can you tell me what it is that causes me to be rejected in the part 1 above?

You aren't giving them the kind of attention they are looking for. Admittedly it's very hard to seem overly keen while sticking to your principles of asexuality.]