Walls of Separation.. Loneliness self inflicted?

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Man, what a frustrating time. I've been writing people left and right, with no replies. And a few are so maddening because we have so much in common...same careers, we enjoy running, enjoy the same TV shows and movies.

I found one gal on OKC with a 95 percent match, 76 percent friend, and zero percent enemy. Our share interests are such it is almost uncanny.

Yet no replies.

What are people waiting for? Their prince charming? The whole package ready to sweep them away? It's not gonna happen.

I've been working on my confidence, focusing on my strengths, and writing very thoughtful letters to these ladies. Sure, I'm no Fabio (who is, really), but dangit I'm worth a chance, worth at least a reply. But obviously they are wanting something more. How much must people have to be happy? Because I'd be thrilled to find someone who simply enjoyed being with me. And I know I can make someone's life a little sunnier and enjoyable, and I want to offer myself up to someone.

We all must disabuse ourselves of the notion that the perfect person is out there, and instead, open ourselves up to the possibility that that person might be so close, if only they'd tear down the damn walls of separation we all seem to erect!

I see, so because a website assigned her a bunch of percentages to you she is not aware of..she is obliged to go out with you or reply.

Seriously, man. I wouldn't take the numbers at face value. A million people could "predict" 2 people are right for each other but only the 2 people can truly say that. It's not a one way thing. It takes 2 to tango.

What I'm saying is, "What are they waiting for?" They're looking, so am I, we share all these interests, we have similar goals, and everything. Why isn't there even a little curiosity on their part. I'm willing to engage in a dialogue, why not they? They're not obliged to do anything, but after writing dozens and dozens and dozens of women...I just don't know?

Maybe it's the sampling base. Maybe women who try online dating are doing so because they are so choosy?

With online dating, statistically, women get lots more respones to there ad. So you have to make your profile and the initial message to them stand out more.

If you're on dating sites, it's usually women who get to pick. The only site I've seen so far saying there were more female than male members was a scam, and a laughable one. Women don't need to respond to your message, because they will get messages from five or six other men that day. It's a result of supply and demand. Certain areas have a large surplus in men. The area where I live is one - the most repulsive, worst-looking women could have desirable men fighting over them. It seems dating sites aren't that different - if you're a man on a dating site, you'll inevitably be part of the bulk.

Women who would normally have a hard time finding a partner will have desirable men contacting them. It's like musical chairs, only with fewer chairs and thousands of participants.

Maybe you need to present your profile picture with a topless sic of yourself as this worked with one person here.

True. I think if you are funny they will be more likely to respond.

Plus, if your messages are too long then they will not respond or take longer since they are writing an equal length response.

"95 percent match
76 percent friend
zero percent enemy..."
and 100 percent selfish a-hole that gets her kicks out of the number of guys who want to approach her.

= No match for you.

Many women get so bombarded with stupid messages from testosterone-fuelled empty-headed guys, that they get put off and don't bother checking their messages anymore because they don't want to sift through 100 dumbass messages in order to find the few sensible ones.
Also many women just put their profile on these sites, in order to see how much interest they get from guys, in order to give themselves reassurance that they are desirable, but with no intention of going through all the effort and risk of actually dating someone.

Other things that might explain why you don't get a response, is that many women are put off by what seems like 'nice guys' ( referring to your thoughtful messages you sent ). Instead they feel attraction from guys who appear more mysterious and unpredictable, the mentally strong (even seemingly arrogant) types, guys that are taking control and commanding the situation. Many women see a nice guy as a pushover.

This reminds me of a little story I read online somewhere, I think it was a page about Buddhist ideas.

In any case, a man meets his friend, who is a very very old little man. The man asks his little old friend, why, after all these years, he is still alone in life. The little old man says, "Well, unfortunately in my youth I was looking for the perfect woman, and wasted many years of my life in this search."

So the man says, "Oh, so you never found the perfect woman?"

and the little old man says, "I found her. But when I found her, it turned out she was looking for the perfect man."

So maybe that is part of the problem you are describing. I don't know what else to say. What about offline dating? I think there is a lot of hype about the "success" of dating sites, but how much of that is real? I think the success is that they are making huge profits as a company, not so much that they are providing lifetime matches in partners.

I have an OKCupid account, and I'm one of those women who never reply to any of the messages that I get. It's not that I'm especially picky or that I enjoy torturing people (nor even that I get a lot of messages - I don't). Usually it's that I'm so shocked that somebody actually bothered to write to me that I'm sort of mentally paralyzed and/or just generally afraid of exchanging actual words with an actual other person.

...But then, that's just me, and admittedly I'm screwed up and weird.

Generally it is not a good idea to reply to an individual whom one is not interested in because the individual either assumes the reply indicates interest, or attempts to pressure the other person into giving them a "chance". Not replying avoids unnecessary tension.

You harbor a misconception that many men do...that commonalities form the basis of, or are relevant to a good relationship. This is not necessarily true. Compatibilities form the basis of, and are relevant to a good relationship, and commonalities are not necessarily compatibilities.

The type of person one is is not necessarily the type of person who is one's type.

Many individuals on the spectrum seem to prefer online dating....however with online dating a phenomena seems to arise which is not nearly as prevalent in the real world. That is the phenomena romantic window shopping. Additionally, online dating cannot convey certain things that could prove to be very potent vectors of attraction to the opposite sex. As a result, individuals have every incentive to be incredibly picky and little incentive give chances. In contrast, in the real world, a person does not have so many potential mates in one place and the first things individuals encounter about another are not their interests but their personality, and phermones to some degree. Those can play a significant part in attraction.

This is the problem here, you are putting too much thought into and over analysing it, a majority of people are only dating websites to hook up or for a fling. If you are making them feel obliged to get married to you or acting clingy in the first few messages, they are going to feel wary. Just try to be more light hearted in your approach and act more self sufficient.

A message like that for a initial greeting would scare the hell out of me. I'm with someone who was only a 70ish match. All the 90 percents were too snobby, plus having two that desire to direct things wouldn't work. Their ethical and moral answers were similar that I thought it safe to respond.

Online dating is very difficult for men. It's an extremely, extremely stacked game.

Men outnumber women sometimes as much as 10:1. Now of that break down, some of them aren't even serious about being online, some just made a profile because their friends make them. Some make profiles because they feel bad and want self assurance.

Now of the ones who will actually reply, they may get 50 messages in one day. The prettier the girl, the higher the number. So how do you distinguish your message from the other 49 she has?

That's why it's a numbers game. If you message enough girls, eventually one will respond.

I have learned that online dating is not the panacea that people think it is.

In fact, someone telling me to "try online dating" is the one phrase that actually makes me mad.

This is probably true for the young girls (18-22) that you're going for and they mostly care about guys' looks, but the girls a littel older (27-32) are looking for husband material and are extremely picky. They are looking for the perfect man to procreate with. A good looking man who is financially secure and emotionally dependable, etc, etc. So they probably won't waste time responding to someone they are not completely pleased with.

Of course, younger women will be looking more for looks, humor and fun whereas older women will be looking for stability or the provider type of guy.