Is controlling to the point of making them fall out of love

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with you just as bad as physical abuse?

Okay so I'm a lesbian and I recently had a breakup with my girlfriend of 1 year (we were both aspies), the thing is I was always so jealous, it was beyond my control, the mere thought of her leaving me to be with her friends would make me panic, I was always clinging for her never to go anywhere or be with anyone without me among other things, like I would fret over little things like how much I could relate to her and I would bombard her with questions ranging from what feelings she experienced on a certain day to how much like her I am, and she would complain that we hardly ever have a conversation that all I ever do is ask questions, and one day she suddenly said she thinks we should just be friends, which caused me to burst out in uncontrollable hyperventilating crying, only for me to later find out she had been seeing someone else behind my back. Ever since then I have felt stabbing remorse and self hate for what I did, now that I understand it I sense that if you are controlling to your partner to the point that they fall out of love with you and find someone else then you are just absolutely low and worthy of disrespect at the same level as someone that physically beat their girlfriend and even a child molester, and I always feel like the most horrible person imaginable and that I'm not deserving of any respect whatsoever and lately just all my waking hours I feel like I'm a piece of road kill constantly being stomped on and having garbage and stones thrown on, and like I deserve it. Was what I did really as bad as a child molester or a guy that physically beat his girlfriend? Am I right to be feeling the way I do? Please, please only serious answers.

over-jealousy and controlling are not as bad as hitting someone and definitely not as bad as molesting a child. sounds like you need to work on your self-esteem, not only to feel better now, but if you thought you were a good catch, you wouldn't be so jealous and future relationships could thrive.

Okay, first I would like to tell you you are not as bad as a child molester. Nothing is as bad as that. And yes, being this controlling of someone constitutes emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse, but while you often see emotional abuse without physical abuse, the opposite is rarely true. The thing is sometimes with emotional abuse, we don't realize or intend to be abusive. It is rooted from a deep fear of losing the person and losing control. Often the intention isn't to hurt the person, it's to not lose them. This is ironic because in the end you're more likely to lose someone if you're emotionally abusive. You can get therapy to help you work through these feelings so that you can succeed in a relationship without feeling like you need to maintain control. It doesn't make you a bad person. But you do have to find a way to work through this so that you can enjoy a healthy relationship where no one feels bad. It's okay to feel bad about what you did, but try to use that as motivation to improve instead of beating yourself up over it. We all make mistakes. You're not a bad person. If you were a bad person you would feel no remorse.

I know exacly what you meen, sometimes my insecuritys get the best of me and i quiz my girlfriend but she is very patient and doesnt mind me asking a few questions it always makes me feel much better and i trust her because of it, i give her the same but shes not as bad as me, the balance is set im worse then her and one day it might slip up and she will feel too loved and she might need something else because my acts are Too much... who knows though keep an eye on your relationships have fun treat them like the one and only and expect the same back (fairly) and we can all find a second half out there....

You just gota wear a few heart strings out before you get good at it i guess experience and the patient is the key probably, idk taking about this reminded me how much i love the dateing game and meeting new people and telling them all about your life and hearing about there's

Peace x

It definitely sounds like you have some problems with self-esteem and communication.

THIS is ABSOLUTELY not true:

"...I sense that if you are controlling to your partner to the point that they fall out of love with you and find someone else then you are just absolutely low and worthy of disrespect at the same level as someone that physically beat their girlfriend and even a child molester".

The only thing that says to me is that you have a very low self-worth. I've been very deep in the self-despising shoes for most of my 24 years (only within the past year have I started to take control of my life and see it from a more rational viewpoint). When you're there you don't realize it. You're just appalled at yourself and shocked at how disgusting of a person you are (which is only self-talk and NOT the truth). You might not even realize that you hate yourself as you see yourself (like I didn't).

People are very imperfect. Everyone has issues. The (sad, for me personally) truth is that some people have fewer mental/emotional issues than others, but that does not negate the fact that everyone has faults. Yours just seem to lie around the self-loathing/jealousy spectrum. In reality, that's something that you can potentially overcome completely if you work at it. There are resources out there for you if you work hard enough. To be blatant, not everyone has the same opportunities as everyone else, so those resources may be hard-to-almost-impossible to find, but if you're serious about self-improvement, you'll probably find help.

For me personally the initial turning point came when I took an Interpersonal-Communications class and discovered some of the illogical things that I had been thinking. Discovery doesn't mean change, though. It realized that I had a lot of illogical self-talk going on which warped the shape of my thoughts and how I interacted with people, but I didn't know what to do with that knowledge. What worked for me was seeking professional help. Through a behavioral therapist and a psychiatrist I got access to a few classes which focused on ways to challenge and change illogical thoughts.

I'm sure you understand that the level of jealously you had was not healthy, but if you are only beating yourself up about it nothing is going to get resolved. You need someone else to get you out of your negative thinking. Don't be discouraged if things don't change to your liking immediately, or even within the first year. Don't be discouraged if you seek help and the people you meet are not good at what they do. Unfortunately, they are people too, and make their own mistakes. I'm finding that out with my psychiatrist, who has absolutely no idea what Asperger's is and can't help me in that respect.

I hope I've been helpful. You seem so similar to me in the self-disgust and self-blame aspect, and it makes me sad. I am sad for my former self and the former agony I put myself through without realizing it. NO, you're not at the same level as a child molester, or even a petty thief. You had a worldview that was centered around a certain way of thinking, and it was maybe not the most rational way of thinking, but that doesn't put any blame on you as an individual. It just means that if you can realize that you were jealous in an unhealthy way and you have enough desire to change that you can do so.

Your def not as bad as a child molester. That is the lowest of the low.

That said; emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse.

That's good though is that your willing and able to admit it. That is the first step towards change. There are so many who do this and think it's perfectly normal behavior.

The next step is working on ways to control your jealousy.

Emotional abuse has elements of control and jealousy in it--but it's more then that. To me, there's a difference between feeling insecure and jealous, and telling your partner they're a "wh*re who will sleep with anyone around the block" or some other abusive statement.

Also, how many relationships have you been in? Maybe you sensed she was cheating on you, and that made you a bit wacky in the jealousy department?

But if you're thinking this much about it--you don't sound abusive. You sound like someone who will discover more about her psychology, and grow into a more responsible partner who treats their significant other better. You already sound like you learned something from your behavior.

Don't blame yourself for your ex's choice to cheat. She's responsible for her own behavior--no one can make another person cheat on them. All you can do is to delve into yourself and see where these issues are coming from. Maybe some kind of cognitive therapy would help--like telling yourself "so what if she leaves, what's the worst that will happen to me?" or "I love her for who she is, and that means that I respect the choices she makes for herself, even if I don't understand them."

While I think you definitely have emotional difficulties you need to work through (and I may well have just as many, once I start having relationships), the fact remains that she was able to leave you at any time. It doesn't sound like she was financially dependent on you, that you ever did anything to physically restrain her, etc. So I don't think you ever truly controlled her. If she took your negative comments and crying personally, then the cage she was in was constructed out of her own mind as much as your actions.

What do you mean you quiz her?

McAnulty, you were very helpful, thank you. Can I ask what caused your self-disgust?

Those quotes were from me, so I'll try to answer your question. It's difficult because my feelings of self-loathing have been so deeply ingrained in me from the beginning when I was starting to make sense of the world. I didn't have a name for my cognitive differences or an understanding of why I was different, so I attributed my differences to being a stupid, ignorant, selfish, worthless person. I also held myself to impossible standards and beat myself up emotionally and physically when I (surprise) didn't measure up.

I've come to realize that every single human being is different and has different strengths and weaknesses, but that doesn't mean that one should be valued over another as far as innate worth goes. Still, after so many years of hating who I was and punishing myself for no actually rational reasons, it's hard to overcome those emotionally charged and destructive thoughts. Finding out about Asperger's was a major improvement because I finally understand who I am and why some things are so difficult and what I can focus on as strengths, but there will be years of recovery to come from those years of torturing myself.

You'd be frothing and raving like a little Hitler about how awful the other person was and blaming them for everything, if you were the way you make yourself out to be.

I wouldn't feel so guilty if I were you, just learn from it. Lots of people have been in your shoes. Quite likely the person you were seeing has been, or will be. It's pretty normal. I doubt you'll be like that in your next relationship.