In love with an aspie male whom I haven't met yet

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I know this will sounds crazy and creepy but yes I'm in love with someone I met two years ago in an online dating site BUT I haven't seen him yet. Yes, that's true!

We live in the same place and we are just almost 15kms away. When we started communicating exchanging text messages was never an issue for the first few days. We made plans of meeting in person but several times it was postponed either he got sick or something came out at work. At first, I never questioned him why he didn't make any move of calling me or that I get disappointed at times why there's always a delay when we were supposed to meet. Until finally he told me that he was diagnosed with AS when he was just a teenager. He also mentioned that he just came from a tragic divorced. He said that he's having anxiety attacks every time we were supposed to meet. And the reason why he was not calling because he can't talk since he just came from a throat operation.

I know what AS means and my knowledge is still a work in progress. At that time I didn't know it was possible for someone to tell me that he loves me and that he plans to marry me someday and yet he didn't make any move of us being together. I kept on asking myself how can this person profess his love to me and made plans for us if meeting me is next to impossible?

I used to blame myself because I was also separated and until now I haven't filed for a petition to annul my marriage. Maybe this is the reason why he doesn't want to get involved with me. Because in my country you're not allowed to be with someone not unless your marriage is annulled. I thought maybe he doesn't want any complications and he wanted me to finish first my problem. I used to think also that my business is also a problem because he knows that its not doing good and he might think that the only reason why he can't meet me because I am after his money. But none of this made sense. He told those were not the reasons. He told me that he doesn't want to meet me yet and that I should stop asking those questions. I should stop pestering him on when we will meet. For a while I gave up on him because I was very confused. How can a person love and care someone without putting any actions on his words?

When we were starting he was very persistent. He would text me almost every minute. We knew each other so well. We knew everything that was happening. There was a time early on our relationship when he gave me a number to call his business partner/friend/psychologist (which I found out later that he was also his secretary) so that she can explain the real situation. From what his "friend" told me was almost the same of what he had explained to me. I got the impression that it was scripted.

From time to time he would asked me favour to do this or to do that and I will go to his office. Every time I will go to his office the only person who would greet me will be his secretary/best friend/psychologist/business partner (that's how he described her). If he will asked me to buy something for him he will pay me either through her secretary or he will deposit it to my account. So him taking advantage of me was never an issue because he pays me on what is due. I know where he lives but he never asked me to go to his house. I never took the opportunity of asking his secretary of what is happening because I'm embarrassed that she will never understand me. She might even think that I'm taking advantage of his boss because he's quite rich. Besides what would she think of me? That I fallen in love with someone I haven't met yet? Oh I remember, I tried once calling her but when she answered me I was told to call again the next day because she still need to pull out his file so she can explain it to me (?). Again, doesn't make any sense right? When I called the next morning just to give the benefit of the doubt, again, it was the same information that this guy told me. I was actually hoping that his secretary will tell me something which I don't know since we are both female.

I have a son and he has 2 sons. His children would also text me and call me mom. We are practically like a family in a virtual world. I will check on the kids and he will try to get involved in whatever activities that my son has. Late last year because of my financial problem he started supporting financially my son. From tuition fees, allowances, shoes, etc. He's the one providing it. You know what's so strange? He never give me money even if its for emergency purposes. For example, I need to pay the rent because my landlord already asked me to move out. I tried borrowing money but he told me he doesn't have at the moment. Two days after he sent money to my son for his allowance. Practically, right now he pays for everything that my son will be needing. He told me that he will take care of my son's financial needs so I can concentrate on other expenses concerning the rent and my business.

My point is how can this kind of relationship like ours be possible? Do we really have a chance to be together? Is he really serious with me? Do I have to take his words and hold on to it? I'm scared because every time I do research or read online articles about AS I know that aspires: (1) take everything literally (2) they don't have empathy (3) they can forget you easily (4) they shutdown and you don't know how many hours it will be or how many days and with what happened to us before it was almost two months that he shut me down (5) they don't have feelings at time (6) they are sensitive with light, sound, smell, etc. Are they really capable of loving?

He told me that he's been under therapy and medication. But for how long? Do I really have to wait? If I did, will there really be a chance?

I also asked my myself can I live with this kind of life with him? My answer is yes. But where is the assurance if meeting me was still impossible? I'm willing to wait if I know we have a chance.

Please help me. I need to understand the situation. I don't even know right now if he's telling the truth. I think I will be very devastated if all of these are just a game to him. It's depressing for me most of the time especially I'm also in crisis plus late last year I was also diagnosed of an Adult ADHD. Though I'm thankful to him because of my fascination to learn about AS, I also got the chance to re-asses myself.'

I never stop reading articles about AS so that I can understand him. Please enlighten me.

this is way too weird.

RUN AWAY!! !

Question....how long has he known you had 2 young boys? Since the very beginning? I'm assuming it was on your profile.

Agreed. There is something very wrong here, and you may even be in danger. Time to end this!
Trust me, I'm a Vicar!
(So I've had 30+ years of dealing with relationships of all sorts!)

I agree with the above....something does not seem right about your situation.

I believe that you should go with your gut instinct and if it is telling you that something is "off" then that little bit needs to be heard.

Plus, to be honest it almost seems like this person does not actually exist

Wait...two years without having even met in person, and he supposedly has plans to marry you? Sorry, that's seems way too suspicious. This might not end that well. Tread carefully!

2 possible conspiracy nut theories:
1) Is aiming to take custody of your son via marriage. Is a pedo.
2) Doesn't actually live where you live and is after a Green Card. The secretary might well be a person in on the scam. The financial support to your son might be a coup to provide legitimate proof of a serious relationship prior to the marriage.

Give him an ultimatum - to meet you at your place (don't tell him someone is there and let people know he's coming over) or say that the relationship is over.

From experience yes, it is absolutely possible to love a person you've never met on the physical level, aka "in person," and this fact makes sense because countless people believe that god loves them although they never received an email from him, hence it's much more possible to love someone with whom you exchange emails. That was that. However, the distance was almost 2,800 miles and i made clear from the very beginning that i am not interested in dating.

However, in this case i think something is wrong because money is involved and if you take it from someone, whether it's meant and/or given to your son or to you personally, this fact could be used as pressure means. Also the short distance could become a problem. Sherlock Holmes would say, check out the secretary who is addressed in your post in the female AND the male form; she/he could be a closet lesbian playing erotic/romantic games with you. Obviously she knows everything about your alleged boyfriend, she's the one who actually told you, although on his behalf (if that's true) about his AS, and it's more than likely that she has access to email accounts as well.

OK I had to reread what you wrote because I scanned it to fast.

Something is not right here.

My gut feeling is you should dissolve this relationship before it gets out of hand and someone gets hurt.

Last edited by AspergianMutantt on 04 Jul 2012, 3:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Interesting theory.

We had a short talk last week and I asked him again. He told me that there's a big possibility that we can still be together "but not in the near future". That was his exact word

I've been reading a lot of online stories about the characteristics of a person with Asperger's Syndrome and it seems he has everything. So somehow, I have a very small hope that he meant what he said it's just that he is not yet ready.

I know this is crazy but right now I'm still waiting for myself to give up and until that time comes I will always hope that something good will happen.

I realised it was partly my fault because he told me has Asperger's but I never educate myself about it. I didn't dig deeper of what it is really. Now that I'm starting to read a lot of stories now I understand why there were days and weeks that he never called me because he's having a meltdown/shutdown.

I don't know. I really don't know what to do. I hope I can find some answers to these.

There's something going on here way more than just AS.

Something is not right about this story.

just adding my concerns to the pile.

something is not right.

i don't know what kind of ride he/she is taking you for, but this is not legit. please talk to a therapist/counsellor about it if you still feel you must continue on this road. if there is anything legitimate in this situation, then the psychologist can help you figure it out. or they can help you understand why you are allowing yourself to be manipulated in this way. i hope you come through this unscathed.

...and don't accept another dime from this stranger. Accepting money from him will likely make him feel you have obligations to him...

The more I read that about a guy you barley know taking care of your son; the more I just feel like that's some grade A Pedo s**t there.

See; here's how it could play out.

Once he's got you entrapped, he starts doing the pedo s**t and then your son doesn't say anything because he knows you need the guy's help.

I believe this also. This was my first assumption and I think I'll stick by it even if it's not what some will want to hear.

The guy is breaking you down. He wants to make you feel obliged to do anything. It is likely he will want to meet your son before you. He has no intention of meeting you or revealing any real information about himself. It is all a fabrication. You haven't seen him because he doesn't want to be identified.

Take no more payments for your son if you value his safety and your dignity. If he challenges your refusal then that's even further alarm bells.
Remember he offered you those sums previous so you do not have any obligation to pay him back. There was no contract. It was goodwill, a gift.

If at any point he asks to meet your son but not you, or seems adamant to meet you providing your son is with you - notify the cops. Give them the emails. Give them the work address. The name of the secretary. Let them take it from there.