What does this mean? (and what do you think I should do?)

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Hi everyone,

Here's the story...

A little over a month ago, I met a guy on the bus that I rode home from school. He was a senior in high school; I was a junior. Up until then I'd only seen him from afar, in class and in the hallways. We exchanged glances for a couple days while riding the bus, and he started to talk to me. We had a lot in common. We're both huge RUSH fans, and discussion of the band took up the majority of our conversation. He was a nerd, like me. I was attracted to him, but couldn't tell whether he felt the same. During the course of one of our conversations, we started talking about this small lake that lies between our neighborhoods, and I mentioned that I wanted to check it out. He said that we should go back there to find it some time, and I said yes. We kept talking, and soon enough it was time for me to get off at my stop. Here's where it got strange. As I got up out of my seat, he did too, and reached out to give me a hug. Ok, so this really freaked me out. First of all, I'm average height, and he's like 6'5" - my head was in an awkward spot. I tried to pretend that the hug didn't bother me, but I couldn't get over it.

That was the first day. In the couple days that followed, things got more intense. When I got on the bus the next day, he was sitting in the seat across from me and obviously eager to see me. We started talking again, same as the previous day. I carry a bookbag, and I always keep it on the seat next to me. After a few minutes of talking to him, he got up, gently grabbed my bag (all the while with this look on his face as if he was asking my permission to do this), and put it on his lap as he sat down. Right next to me. I think he could tell I was very uncomfortable, so he pulled out his phone and we started listening to RUSH to break the silence. My stop came, I got up to go, he didn't try to hug me this time.

Fast-forward to the third day. This time he sat down next to me without any hesitation. Once the bus got moving, I tried hard to make my discomfort obvious. My body stiffened whenever he would accidentally brush against me, and the look on my face probably wasn't much friendlier. At one point, he reached up and poked me in the arm. I shot him a nasty look and didn't say much more. As the bus came to a stop, he asked me if I would miss him (it was his last day since he was a senior). I replied with a weak "yeahhhh". I got up to leave, he got up to hug me again, and I left.

Ok, now I realize that I was probably being a huge prude here. In that moment, I was very repulsed and angry at his advances. Thinking back, I feel horrible. I was only mad because I was scared; up until that point I had gone without so much as a glance from guys at school. I was confused (still am) and didn't know if I wanted a relationship with him. Now, I regret not having taken that chance.

This happened over a month ago, and in that time I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. During one of our conversations, he told me his favorite RUSH songs was "Subdivisions". Now every time I listen to that song, I think back to our interactions and all the things I should have done differently. Somewhere along the line, I casually mentioned my AS. He looked at me with surprise, saying he wouldn't have guessed I was an aspie. I wasn't sure how to react to that.

It took me some time to realize that my anger was just a result of the fear and confusion I felt during those situations. I realize now that I made a mistake by turning away from him...would it really have killed me to try to form a relationship with someone? I looked up his Facebook profile and sent him a friend request, but haven't heard back. That was nearly a month ago.

What do you guys think...do I have a right to feel bad about this situation? I mean, it's my fault since I'm the one that rejected him. The hugging thing really confuses me, even now. I don't know if he did that to show that he wanted a relationship or would rather be friends.

I want to send him a message on Facebook apologizing for my behavior. I don't know how to explain this. He's graduated now and I'm going into senior year...is it even worth the effort?

Thoughts?

I think you should. Explain to him that you weren't used to male attention and that you didn't really know what to think of the situation because of your AS. Tell him that you'd at least like to re-connect and spend some time together, and see where it goes from there.

Also, the two of you have great taste in music. Subdivisions is one of my favorite RUSH songs as well. I haven't listened to it in a while, I'd try and rip the CD I have to my iPod if my Windows partition wasn't f****d seven ways to Sunday.

(NT here, 26 yr old female)

Maybe he just doesn't know much about what AS entails, so when you told him you were an aspie, he didn't make the connection that his behavior would bother you, or that your reactions were sort of "heat of the moment" and not reflective of your curiosity towards pursuing a relationship with him.

It sounds like he REALLY liked you, and felt the need to rush things because he had little time left in school. He probably hasn't responded because when guys like you that much and feel "turned down", it really hits them deep and they want to forget the hurt as quickly as possible and move on. If you really find yourself thinking about him a lot, and want to pursue a relationship, I'd send him that FB message, asking how he's doing and explaining that his advances made you a little shy and nervous (it's up to you whether you want to cite AS or not), but that you'd like to see him again. If you don't feel like getting into a relationship with him or exploring that, I'd leave it. He doesn't need an explanation. Let it go--you'll never see him again unless you want to, right?

That said, if you DO establish connection with him and meet up, I would exercise caution about meeting him somewhere privately. (God, I sound like my mother . . . ). Guys are always eager to get physical. That certainly doesn't have to be the ONLY reason he liked you---it sounds like he was genuinely liked lots of things about you. But still, exercise caution with any guy until you get to know him well.

I agree with peahen. Definitely avoid private places until you get to know this guy better. And definitely send him that FB message.

(19 year old Aspie guy here)

Thanks guys.

I'm very confused about my own feelings. I don't even know if I want a relationship with him or not! Part of me wants to drop it, but my mind won't let me. I keep thinking of him. If he liked me, I don't want to let him down again if it takes another conversation with him to convince me I'm not interested.

I think part of me is afraid to go back to his Facebook profile in case he's ignored my friend request.

I need to grow a pair and send the message.

Well, not grow a pair, but...

I sent it. I typed out the message first in Word and then pasted it into the FB message box so I wouldn't chicken out.

Holy crap.

This is it...too much information too soon?

Hey,
Long time no talk. How’ve you been? Hey I’ve been thinking…I wanted to apologize for being such a b***h when we last talked. That’s not what I’m really like. I guess I was just having a bad day and was tired by the time I got on the bus … Anyways, I didn’t want to leave you with the wrong impression of me, so that’s why I’m sending this.

Remember when I told you I’m an aspie? Hard to believe that it’s true, I know. It’s mild – most people can’t tell right away. Social interactions are awkward and I appreciate it when people are direct with me. I’m not ret*d, I’m not stupid. I’m just…different. Hope telling you this doesn’t freak you out.

So, yeah, that’s what I came by to say. How’s your summer been?

Oh, by the way…I listened to Subdivisions. I love it. I’ve been listening to Rush nonstop all summer long LOL. They’re epic.

Megan

Your feeling this way because it's a new experience. You don't have to apologize for being uncomfortable. If someone respects you they will respect your boundaries.

Thanks guys When I went to his FB profile, I saw he hadn't yet responded to my friend request. I'm guessing he doesn't go online very much. It's ok. I didn't send it so much hoping he'll reply and want to hang out, rather so I know I've done all I can do and that I can be done with it.

Yeah, not everyone's a net addict like some of us are, like my girlfriend, she's never on FB even when she has net access, and this summer she doesn't because she's living at her home which is in the middle of Nowhere, WY.

Hope things work out. Let us know what he says, kay?

I will keep you posted (assuming he says anything at all - we'll see).