what does it mean to be aloof?

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People with AS and other things are sometimes described as "appearing" aloof. Is it possible to be genuinely aloof, rather than just shy or appearing to be aloof?

What would this be like, exactly?

Well, mostly by continuing to interact and seeing whether the person ever relaxed, warmed up socially or showed an interest in those around them. Someone might seem aloof as a first impression, but then become more friendly and I would realise that they just needed some time to relax into the social situation.

Of course, someone might continue to seem aloof, and after a while I'd probably give up trying to engage them socially. Ultimately you can't know for sure if it was just a front or if it was the person's real nature. When people say that someone "seemed aloof", it's probably not because they have a magical insight that the person wasn't really aloof on the inside, but more because they're trying to give the benefit of the doubt. (Since most NTs would view it as desirable for a person to be warm, interested in people and socially engaged.)

(Or have I misread, and you're asking how the aloof person themselves could tell they were really aloof rather than just seeming aloof to others?)

in my experience, 'aloof' goes beyond shyness into a tendency towards coldness. the two are not distinguishable upon first meeting a person, but people who are truly aloof NEVER really warm up. i have met a few aspie like that, and also some people with schzoid personality disorder. shyness can be understood as temporary reluctance to let people get close, or like social anxiety. aloofness is tendency to keep people away indefinitely

Right, I get it now - apologies for the misunderstanding.

I imagine that aloofness would feel like disinterest in other people, lack of desire to engage with them or find out more about them, maybe even feeling dislike for people in general. If that was genuinely how you felt, and you didn't feel a need for social interaction, then there's nothing wrong with it per se - you could disengage on a social level, do the minimum necessary to get by at work and in unavoidable situations, and spend the rest of your time happily alone. It would only be wrong if you knowingly led someone to expect affection from you when you couldn't or wouldn't follow through. Most NTs wouldn't understand it, but you don't owe them more than basic civility and respect. You would probably end up disliked by people around you, but if you were genuinely aloof then perhaps that wouldn't bother you.

But if you did want to engage socially with some people, yet found yourself unable to respond warmly to them, then I'd say you're not really aloof. Just shy, or otherwise not able to reproduce social cues.

It's the desire for connection and interaction that makes the difference, I think.

Hmm. I could see why the person whose affection you'd rejected might describe you as aloof, though it seems like a very specific kind of aloofness - and there are all kinds of things that could underpin the behaviour. Again, I think it might depend on whether part of you wanted the affection but felt unable to accept it, or whether you simply found it distasteful. I'm struggling to think of a word that neatly describes it, to be honest. It reminds me of "stone", the adjective sometimes used - especially in the queer community - to describe someone who likes to touch people in bed but not to receive sexual touch themselves. I think that refers exclusively to sex, though, rather than affection in general.

Maybe we could get a mod to split this thread ... I really want to talk about this aloof business but I don't want to derail too much.

welcome to your new thread. you cn edit your first post and change it if necessary, and you also edit the title at the same time if it does not work for you