I may be forfeiting my "nice guy" title.

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DNForrest
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19 Jul 2012, 8:31 pm

For those of you who don't frequent the Haven, here's a link to what happened to me a week ago today:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt204117.html

I'm feeling slightly better (able to eat and sleep normally), but I came to a realization yesterday: I may never be able to have a serious relationship again. Or, at least, not for several years. I feel like I'm going to be unable to have any meaningful relationships, because I'm going to be constantly thinking that maybe, just maybe, the woman who dumped me might take me back. I really do hope I'll be able to find someone at least as amazing as she is, but I'm a stereotypical nice guy (not to mention the whole Asperger's thing), and it took me 28 years to be lucky enough to stumble into the relationship with her. And as much as I hate the thought of emotionally hurting other women, I think I could very well turn into the type of as*hole that they loathe.

Anyone have any experiences similar to this?



MXH
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19 Jul 2012, 8:48 pm

While ill admit that does suck, i am left wondering why you feel you must or even will forfeit that title



DNForrest
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19 Jul 2012, 8:50 pm

MXH wrote:
While ill admit that does suck, i am left wondering why you feel you must or even will forfeit that title


The willingness to emotionally harm other women for my own potential gain.



MXH
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19 Jul 2012, 8:53 pm

DNForrest wrote:
MXH wrote:
While ill admit that does suck, i am left wondering why you feel you must or even will forfeit that title


The willingness to emotionally harm other women for my own potential gain.


what gives you the idea that you will follow this path?



DNForrest
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19 Jul 2012, 8:57 pm

MXH wrote:
what gives you the idea that you will follow this path?


Namely by the willingness to dump them at the prospect of reconnecting with my ex. I don't know if this will definitely happen, but I could easily see it happening.



MXH
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19 Jul 2012, 9:08 pm

DNForrest wrote:
MXH wrote:
what gives you the idea that you will follow this path?


Namely by the willingness to dump them at the prospect of reconnecting with my ex. I don't know if this will definitely happen, but I could easily see it happening.

what are the odds that you id someone better. In my experience and many others too the best way of gettin rid of your current feelings is to find a new one.



aspiemike
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19 Jul 2012, 10:26 pm

What is with this Hulk Hogan profile?



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19 Jul 2012, 11:15 pm

Frankly, it is far too soon for you to worry about that. Right now, you need to take some time to gather your thoughts and heal from the breakup. And I am sorry that you guys broke up - I thought my boyfriend and I were breaking up the other day and I thought my heart would be ripped in half by the pain so truly you have my sympathy! :( But please, just take care of yourself. You probably feel like you'd dump any other woman in the world to go back to your ex because the breakup happened so recently. 6 months from now you may feel very differently - you don't know. Give yourself some time.


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Kaufmancab51
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19 Jul 2012, 11:25 pm

I understand that women want that nice guy that will treat them right, which is no problem, but understand that most of those guys were left in the friendzone lane because they didn't have the courage to make the move on you. Or when they did, they were trying too hard to try and either obtain or maintain that relationship.

Have you looked into the possibility that denying a job simply because you had a relationship played a factor? Seems to me that you weren't doing anything with your life except being with her and nothing else. You didn't care about the important things to get ahead in life (a degree, decent job, etc.).

I've had the long relationship before, and I know it sucks when the breakup happens. I haven't gotten back on my feet ever since, but I'm still trucking.

And the whole "nice guy" title, it's not something you want to classify yourself as because that concept is so misconstrued.

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/ ... s/ng.shtml



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19 Jul 2012, 11:25 pm

DNForrest wrote:
MXH wrote:
While ill admit that does suck, i am left wondering why you feel you must or even will forfeit that title


The willingness to emotionally harm other women for my own potential gain.


Becoming just as bad as females who emotionally harm men for their own potential gain is supposed to solve something? all that would do is prove you're just as bad as they are.


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redrobin62
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19 Jul 2012, 11:50 pm

The Hulk Hogan profile is actually Hulk Hogan? Cool! I didn't know he was one of us.



DNForrest
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20 Jul 2012, 12:04 am

Kaufmancab51 wrote:
Have you looked into the possibility that denying a job simply because you had a relationship played a factor? Seems to me that you weren't doing anything with your life except being with her and nothing else. You didn't care about the important things to get ahead in life (a degree, decent job, etc.).


Doubtful, the interview process started well before I had reconnected with her, and my last interview was just before we started dating (the lengthy joys of engineering job interviews). Also, I very much wanted this job because it meant I would be making plenty of money, be close to her (only about 2 hours a way), and it's the same area she wanted to end up in after her degree. I prepared more for that last interview more than I had any other before for this reason alone.



DNForrest
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20 Jul 2012, 12:08 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
DNForrest wrote:
MXH wrote:
While ill admit that does suck, i am left wondering why you feel you must or even will forfeit that title


The willingness to emotionally harm other women for my own potential gain.


Becoming just as bad as females who emotionally harm men for their own potential gain is supposed to solve something? all that would do is prove you're just as bad as they are.


Read my original post (in this thread), all of it. This is exactly what I DON'T want to become. However, I may now be "damaged goods" because of the breakup, and may have a hard time connecting on a deeper level with other women because of it. And, unless they somehow manage to surpass her, I could see myself dumping them and emotionally harming them in an attempt to reconnect with my ex. Again, this is what I don't want to happen, but I could easily see it happening. However, I'm hoping LadybugS is correct, and I'm just feeling this way because it's so soon after.



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20 Jul 2012, 12:13 am

DNForrest wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
DNForrest wrote:
MXH wrote:
While ill admit that does suck, i am left wondering why you feel you must or even will forfeit that title


The willingness to emotionally harm other women for my own potential gain.


Becoming just as bad as females who emotionally harm men for their own potential gain is supposed to solve something? all that would do is prove you're just as bad as they are.


Read my original post (in this thread), all of it. This is exactly what I DON'T want to become. However, I may now be "damaged goods" because of the breakup, and may have a hard time connecting on a deeper level with other women because of it. And, unless they somehow manage to surpass her, I could see myself dumping them and emotionally harming them in an attempt to reconnect with my ex. Again, this is what I don't want to happen, but I could easily see it happening. However, I'm hoping LadybugS is correct, and I'm just feeling this way because it's so soon after.


This is one of those times intent does matter.
I think if you're emotionally honest with any women you chose to pursue, and only pursue women who really interest you (you want to get to know them so you date them, not get to know them so that you can date them if that makes any sense) then you can rest easy in the knowledge that even if things go wrong, you made an honest effort.

If you don't feel ready for a relationship right now, don't stress out about finding one. Let time work it's healing magic.


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20 Jul 2012, 12:25 am

I think a lot of people understand what "the rebound" is. It's like, right after you have a break up, you really don't feel serious about dating anyone else, but you still end up being attracted to people or trying out dating again. If you tell most girls that you've recently broken up, they will probably understand you're on rebound (at least that's what I would assume).

However, if you did end up finding someone special, I think it would be unethical for you to leave her for a past lover. You probably can't enter into a serious relationship until you digest and resolve this experience, which will take time. That doesn't mean you can't go out and try to cheer yourself up with some whatever cheers you up (certainly not taking advantage of people--I hope). The earlier stages of dating aren't supposed to deliver a person's heart--so I don't think you have to feel like a bad guy unless you're purposefully withholding the info that you broke up recently. If the person started to seem very serious about you, you could let them know you're not ready for anything serious.

Edit: But I absolutely agree with the above advice. If you don't feel like dating right now you shouldn't. You need time to let yourself heal. However, sometimes getting out and trying again can help...but that's individual to you and your situation.



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20 Jul 2012, 12:28 am

I don't think it is healthy for you to pursue a relationship with anyone until you have completely moved on from your ex and started to find value in the things you truly enjoy. Start to value yourself, did you ex take your first step for you? No so why are you letting her dictate your life? If she didn't like you, you should gladly hold the door open for her and tell her that you will find better and don't sell yourself short that you won't find someone better.