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Sweetleaf
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16 Jul 2012, 6:39 pm

Ok does anyone have advice on how I can effectively turn down attempts at intimacy? Because I am sick of you know giving the wrong idea and getting guys to like me and then I have to disappoint them by either being too chicken to just tell them how I feel and just don't talk to them till they give up, or I am able to tell them and that successfully ends it. Though the one time it was the guy who ended it with me because he could not get another girl out of his head.

But so I am wondering how I can give off a more ' single and unavailable' vibe than a 'single and very available' vibe. Should I just make it clear at the very start of any conversation with a guy that I am not interested in dating and am just talking and am willing to be friends with guys but don't want to date them. I just am getting sick of these irresponsible interactions on my part, I mean why cant I just be totally clear that Im not interested....I mean all because I just have to think well 'why not give it a try.' even though I know the same thing is going to happen. The last time was worse though because I was drunk and so I got so care-free or whatever I thought maybe it could go somewhere but when I got up in the morning I came to the realization it wouldn't happen. So now I probably have to clear that up with him...as he is probably still interested.


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AScomposer13413
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16 Jul 2012, 6:48 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Should I just make it clear at the very start of any conversation with a guy that I am not interested in dating and am just talking and am willing to be friends with guys but don't want to date them.


You hit the nail right on the head with this part of your post. This is what I'd advise you to do.


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DogsWithoutHorses
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16 Jul 2012, 6:49 pm

blarg, I have trouble with this too.
because if you are super upfront about not wanting to date, guys get real huffy and go on about how conceited you are and how they didn't want to date you anyway, even when they were just hitting on you hard

if you're being irresponsible they're being equally assumptive


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Sweetleaf
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16 Jul 2012, 6:53 pm

AScomposer13413 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Should I just make it clear at the very start of any conversation with a guy that I am not interested in dating and am just talking and am willing to be friends with guys but don't want to date them.


You hit the nail right on the head with this part of your post. This is what I'd advise you to do.


Yeah I suppose, also gotta get out of my head that 'maybe it will amount to something that works out' because it never does. As is,next time I see this latest guy in person I will have to tell him we can still hang out as friends if he wants but that I am not into having a relationship.....even though I was more or less playing along(not really actually pretending but yet again I was being irresponsible because I knew already how I was going to feel about it the next day even after seeming all interested that evening). He called me but I wasn't sure how to say all that over the phone so I said I'd come by and visit at some point and I will tell him then.


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AScomposer13413
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16 Jul 2012, 6:56 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
AScomposer13413 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Should I just make it clear at the very start of any conversation with a guy that I am not interested in dating and am just talking and am willing to be friends with guys but don't want to date them.


You hit the nail right on the head with this part of your post. This is what I'd advise you to do.


Yeah I suppose, also gotta get out of my head that 'maybe it will amount to something that works out' because it never does. As is,next time I see this latest guy in person I will have to tell him we can still hang out as friends if he wants but that I am not into having a relationship.....even though I was more or less playing along(not really actually pretending but yet again I was being irresponsible because I knew already how I was going to feel about it the next day even after seeming all interested that evening). He called me but I wasn't sure how to say all that over the phone so I said I'd come by and visit at some point and I will tell him then.


Ouch...good luck!


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Sweetleaf
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16 Jul 2012, 7:03 pm

AScomposer13413 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
AScomposer13413 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Should I just make it clear at the very start of any conversation with a guy that I am not interested in dating and am just talking and am willing to be friends with guys but don't want to date them.


You hit the nail right on the head with this part of your post. This is what I'd advise you to do.


Yeah I suppose, also gotta get out of my head that 'maybe it will amount to something that works out' because it never does. As is,next time I see this latest guy in person I will have to tell him we can still hang out as friends if he wants but that I am not into having a relationship.....even though I was more or less playing along(not really actually pretending but yet again I was being irresponsible because I knew already how I was going to feel about it the next day even after seeming all interested that evening). He called me but I wasn't sure how to say all that over the phone so I said I'd come by and visit at some point and I will tell him then.


Ouch...good luck!


Well to be quite honest he'll be more bothered than it by I am.......I mean that is the thing I didn't get to know him enough to really care very much about him before he wanted to get all intimate and I being an idiot though I'd give it a chance. Then of course I realized I really wasn't very interested. I guess what bothers me about is its only further evidence I do cause problems for people and even burden them all because I am confused in life and don't know what I want(or at least that is one reason).


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Chronos
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16 Jul 2012, 7:20 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Ok does anyone have advice on how I can effectively turn down attempts at intimacy? Because I am sick of you know giving the wrong idea and getting guys to like me and then I have to disappoint them by either being too chicken to just tell them how I feel and just don't talk to them till they give up, or I am able to tell them and that successfully ends it. Though the one time it was the guy who ended it with me because he could not get another girl out of his head.

But so I am wondering how I can give off a more ' single and unavailable' vibe than a 'single and very available' vibe. Should I just make it clear at the very start of any conversation with a guy that I am not interested in dating and am just talking and am willing to be friends with guys but don't want to date them. I just am getting sick of these irresponsible interactions on my part, I mean why cant I just be totally clear that Im not interested....I mean all because I just have to think well 'why not give it a try.' even though I know the same thing is going to happen. The last time was worse though because I was drunk and so I got so care-free or whatever I thought maybe it could go somewhere but when I got up in the morning I came to the realization it wouldn't happen. So now I probably have to clear that up with him...as he is probably still interested.


A lot of young women who do not want to date wear a simple ring on their left ring finger, which is clearly not a wedding ring or engagement ring, but the placement indicates that she is not available for a romantic relationship.



Sweetleaf
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16 Jul 2012, 11:14 pm

Chronos wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Ok does anyone have advice on how I can effectively turn down attempts at intimacy? Because I am sick of you know giving the wrong idea and getting guys to like me and then I have to disappoint them by either being too chicken to just tell them how I feel and just don't talk to them till they give up, or I am able to tell them and that successfully ends it. Though the one time it was the guy who ended it with me because he could not get another girl out of his head.

But so I am wondering how I can give off a more ' single and unavailable' vibe than a 'single and very available' vibe. Should I just make it clear at the very start of any conversation with a guy that I am not interested in dating and am just talking and am willing to be friends with guys but don't want to date them. I just am getting sick of these irresponsible interactions on my part, I mean why cant I just be totally clear that Im not interested....I mean all because I just have to think well 'why not give it a try.' even though I know the same thing is going to happen. The last time was worse though because I was drunk and so I got so care-free or whatever I thought maybe it could go somewhere but when I got up in the morning I came to the realization it wouldn't happen. So now I probably have to clear that up with him...as he is probably still interested.


A lot of young women who do not want to date wear a simple ring on their left ring finger, which is clearly not a wedding ring or engagement ring, but the placement indicates that she is not available for a romantic relationship.


ha ha, never thought of that...it's one idea though.


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MightyMorphin
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17 Jul 2012, 1:43 am

AScomposer13413 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Should I just make it clear at the very start of any conversation with a guy that I am not interested in dating and am just talking and am willing to be friends with guys but don't want to date them.


You hit the nail right on the head with this part of your post. This is what I'd advise you to do.


No, don't do this because they'd just think you got the wrong idea about the guy and that you're jumping to conclusions. They won't just be your friend after that, they'll NOT be your friend. They'll probably run a mile.

Just tell them when they show a clear interest. Simple.



JanuaryMan
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17 Jul 2012, 4:53 am

I have to side with MightyMorphin on this.

While I'm sure you know not every guy being nice to you or just talking to you wants to date you, you have to get the timing right as well as the wording.

If you are in a neutral environment like a group, class, wedding, bbq etc. and someone is just talking to you, don't say anything. When they start making body contact and asking about your love life you can simply say "nah I really don't like that sort of thing I just like having my friends and family". If they take that as a sign you are more into one night stands and make any body contact just say "what are you doing?" and if they say they thought it was ok just say "no" or "sorry, no" or "i have to go to the bathroom" or just excuse yourself.

Seriously, don't reject people in normal circumstances without good cause. It will come across as very immature (it tends to be high school girls that do this) and also it will come across as vain and shallow. It will not only scare guys off from being your friends it will also leave a bad impression with other people in your vicinity as well. "Oh that girl think she's so pretty" and so forth.



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17 Jul 2012, 7:20 am

DogsWithoutHorses wrote:
blarg, I have trouble with this too.
because if you are super upfront about not wanting to date, guys get real huffy and go on about how conceited you are and how they didn't want to date you anyway, even when they were just hitting on you hard

if you're being irresponsible they're being equally assumptive


Yes, and many men take "I don't date" as a personal challenge. :roll: I've had issues with this, and then I've had to be very blunt with them (and not always nice, either).



Sweetleaf
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17 Jul 2012, 7:27 am

MightyMorphin wrote:
AScomposer13413 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Should I just make it clear at the very start of any conversation with a guy that I am not interested in dating and am just talking and am willing to be friends with guys but don't want to date them.


You hit the nail right on the head with this part of your post. This is what I'd advise you to do.


No, don't do this because they'd just think you got the wrong idea about the guy and that you're jumping to conclusions. They won't just be your friend after that, they'll NOT be your friend. They'll probably run a mile.

Just tell them when they show a clear interest. Simple.


I actually kind of get confused as to when exactly they are showing a clear interest, and then I start thinking I feel the same even though I don't I mean it's hard to explain. But yeah I guess its better to try and mention that I am not interested in that one the interest is brought up rather then at the start of any conversation. I guess my issue is how to not show that sort of interest back when I know its probably something I don't feel sincere about. I guess the easy answer is just don't........but I keep ending up doing it anyways.


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Last edited by Sweetleaf on 17 Jul 2012, 7:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

Sweetleaf
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17 Jul 2012, 7:30 am

JanuaryMan wrote:
I have to side with MightyMorphin on this.

While I'm sure you know not every guy being nice to you or just talking to you wants to date you, you have to get the timing right as well as the wording.

If you are in a neutral environment like a group, class, wedding, bbq etc. and someone is just talking to you, don't say anything. When they start making body contact and asking about your love life you can simply say "nah I really don't like that sort of thing I just like having my friends and family". If they take that as a sign you are more into one night stands and make any body contact just say "what are you doing?" and if they say they thought it was ok just say "no" or "sorry, no" or "i have to go to the bathroom" or just excuse yourself.

Seriously, don't reject people in normal circumstances without good cause. It will come across as very immature (it tends to be high school girls that do this) and also it will come across as vain and shallow. It will not only scare guys off from being your friends it will also leave a bad impression with other people in your vicinity as well. "Oh that girl think she's so pretty" and so forth.


Well I see what you mean, and I am not the type to reject people....in my case I probably have more of a problem with not rejecting people where appropriate in an effort not to disappoint them. I mean a relationship would not work if I was playing along because I don't want to disappoint the guy if that makes sense. But yeah I just don't want to keep having the same types of situations, and I clearly cannot keep doing what I am doing........but then of course I should not automatically reject anyone who talks to me.


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23 Jul 2012, 2:31 pm

DogsWithoutHorses wrote:
blarg, I have trouble with this too.
because if you are super upfront about not wanting to date, guys get real huffy and go on about how conceited you are and how they didn't want to date you anyway, even when they were just hitting on you hard

if you're being irresponsible they're being equally assumptive

Why would anyone want to have a relationship with a person like that anyways? It's selfish to assume a rejection is always something personal and become bitter over it.



JanuaryMan
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23 Jul 2012, 2:57 pm

marshall wrote:
DogsWithoutHorses wrote:
blarg, I have trouble with this too.
because if you are super upfront about not wanting to date, guys get real huffy and go on about how conceited you are and how they didn't want to date you anyway, even when they were just hitting on you hard

if you're being irresponsible they're being equally assumptive

Why would anyone want to have a relationship with a person like that anyways? It's selfish to assume a rejection is always something personal and become bitter over it.


While rejection may be precautionary there are people that do it out of vanity.
SweetLeaf, don't worry about disappointing someone you aren't interested in. It serves no purpose :) just have fun, and if things get too close say "no".



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24 Jul 2012, 12:12 am

JanuaryMan wrote:
marshall wrote:
DogsWithoutHorses wrote:
blarg, I have trouble with this too.
because if you are super upfront about not wanting to date, guys get real huffy and go on about how conceited you are and how they didn't want to date you anyway, even when they were just hitting on you hard

if you're being irresponsible they're being equally assumptive

Why would anyone want to have a relationship with a person like that anyways? It's selfish to assume a rejection is always something personal and become bitter over it.


While rejection may be precautionary there are people that do it out of vanity.

I'd venture to guess that a lot of accusations of vanity over rejections are pure projection though. I'd say if a guy gets huffy early on when you haven't even dated more than a couple times, they must have some kind of entitlement complex. It's one thing if a guy's been positively lead on for a long time and then the relationship gets cut off. On a first date is ridiculous though.