Aspies in love

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For those of you who have been in in love (un-requited or not), how did you feel?
How did you express it or feel like expressing it?

My off-agian- on-gain Aspie says he is in love with me and I am the only person he has ever been in love with.

I am so used to the typical NT-NT expression of love that I am completely lost here.

How do I express it to him?
Is it wrong of me to be struggling in believing that he loves me (given the stereotypes about Aspies lack of emotions etc).

Even with his expression of love-he sticks to his routines and we struggle to find time together. When we are together, he is not afraid of touching and intimacy. In fact, he is far more into it than I expected. When we are alone, he is very sexually inclined-tho he confessed he is lacking in experience.

Pls help me understand it all. And to better understand him.

Are you asking how Aspies feel when they are in love? IMO, it isn't much different than NTs, but then again I have never been NT so I couldn't offer a basis of comparison. I am currently in love with my fiance, and it is a warm, fuzzy feeling accompanied by sudden urges to physical demonstrations of affection, such as hugs and kisses. I also feel very protective and nurturing of him, and he of me. Sometimes we both get the giggles as we cuddle and look shyly at each other, marveling at these new and delightful emotions. Having said that, we still require hours of alone time, and the only time that poses a problem is if one of us wants to be social and the other doesn't. Since we are both Aspie, maybe our experience is different than that of Nts.

BTW, we are not always like this. Sometimes we could come across as distant or even cold with each other, to an observing NT. That is because our default facial expressions might be construed as serious, or angry. But those expressions occur when we are feeling neutral or even mellow.

My guess is that you have to learn your guys "language of love." My fiance shows love by putting my vitamins out for me each morning, taking out the trash, etc. He doesn't do things like bring me flowers or candy. If I ask him to he will, though. So learn to recognize when he is showing love, since it might not be in the ways that you traditionally expect. Hope that helps?

Yeah... you don't take everything the books and research tells you.
Just note what you both want to give... what your willing and able to give and what you can not give...

If you've been going alone fine at this point and he hasn't said anything about it, you don't have to express it any differently than you currently are.



To be honest, I think most of the stereotypes given in some of the books written by specialists can be harmful. This is one of those times. Your Aspie partner has just done something that blew that stereotype out of the water. I don't think you're wrong to be struggling to believe he loves you, since you're being confronted with a different communication style than you're used to, but this just goes to show that you can't use the book as your base point of information anymore.

"Hope that helps"

It very much does, thank you.

"Your Aspie partner has just done something that blew that stereotype out of the water"

Indeed. His need for physical affection really threw me. I am not complaining-just surprised. His desire for sexual intimacy all his shyness melts away on that front.

I have read so much about how Aspies have issues expressing/defining love that I've begun to almost pester him to tell me what he means when he tells me he loves me. I have so far gotten some interesting answers.

everything from 'feeling safe with me, he an be himself around me, he feels good inside because of me, to wanting sex with just me'.

He said he has never been in love before so that part of my over thinking it wondering how he knows.


Thanks PastFixations

I'm glad!


I have read about how a lot of Aspies bond very hard with their SO, so this sounds about right. I always tell my fiance the same kinds of things mentioned here, because it would be very difficult to get used to someone else.

I've never read anything like that, I'd be curious to know more about that. Also, I am his real first sexual partner.

He tells me that even though we may go a day or two without contact that he always thinks about me and loves me.

In NT world, when you are that in love you don't go days without contact. Heck, it is contact super charged. Therefore I struggle with that. I too like my space and alone time. But I am used chatting at least once a day with my partners (NT-NT relationships)

For him I am a lot of 'firsts' he says.

Yes, it is (but it's the fault of those who spread these ideas and not necessarily your fault for struggling.) Don't listen to the stereotypes. they are called stereotypes for a reason, because at most they only contain a grain of truth and little more. Don't mean to blame you but reading that part of your post made me a bit sad.

It's easy for an Aspie to become obsessed with a person (maybe to an unhealthy level sometimes), even more attached to them than the neurologically normal individual. That's partly why I adore romantic novels so much is because romantic love is largely about obsession in my eyes. I have never had a girlfriend myself but I have fallen in love a few times.

As far as I know Aspies don't express their love much differently than NTs, though we may be more straightforward about it, more tactile (from what I've read, and also from what you and others have posted on this site ), and sound much more awkward. I will say though, that talking with my special someone everyday wouldn't be absolutely necessary. It would be healthier for a relationship if lovers spent some time alone so that the next time they are together their desire for one another will have grown more than if they were together all the time.