Ask someone out by email? Here's the situation:

Post Reply New Topic

So here's the situation:

I was on a film shoot yesterday, working with a wonderful young actress, but her schedule was tight that day, and so it was a mad rush to shoot all her scenes...as a result little time to commiserate, though we did chat during the occasional break between shots. Because she had to leave quickly, and I had to go about breaking down gear at the end of the day, there was no chance to follow up, or make a face to face proposition for meeting up.

I don't know here status except she is divorced, but that was several years ago. She has a website from which I have her email, so it's not like I'm using private information I did not ask to get. I'd like to ask her to lunch or coffee.

But of course I'm torn between the unspoken rules of dating, which seem to suggest asking out by email is a faux pas. But I haven't the slightest idea when I'll ever see her again, since the scenes involving her character have wrapped, so really what do I have to lose by taking a chance?

Here's what I propose to send her (draft 1)

Hi X,

We met on the location shoot the other day (I was the scriptwriter and Mr. "magic fingers" [Note to WPers: this is a film term, nothing sexual. "Magic fingers" is the term for when you wave your hands in front of a movie light for an effect, which in this case was to create rippling water being reflected off the actresses's face], and wanted to say how much I enjoyed working with you. It was wonderful having such a consummate professional who was so patient while we worked.

I enjoyed your stories from your work on the stage, and I regretted we didn't have more time to chat. I have no idea when our paths might cross again, if ever, so I wanted to see if you'd like to meet for lunch, perhaps next week?

Here's my mobile if you'd like to reach me directly.

Again, it was wonderful working with you, and I hope we may see each other again!

Best Wishes

[My name]"



So what do you all think?

I dont know.
She may think its a bit weird that you went through all the trouble of finding her email instead of just asking her on the spot(even though it was on a public page and not hidden)

You say that you talked briefly, thats where you should have mentioned that it was really interesting to talk to her and youd like to keep in touch and see how she replied.
Yes its harder to do it on the spot but it works much better than looking for their address online/tracking her on fb/whatever.

Theres nothing wrong with the email itself Im just not sure if its a good idea to send her a message if you didnt ask for some contact information when you met her.

I agree with spongy. The e-mail in and of itself is fine... But she might think it weird that you didn't ask in person. But in all honesty I don't see how it could hurt the situation. You might not see her again, and your email is pretty professional not weird. So I'd say go for it.

See I'm not so sure she think it was weird I didn't ask in person, because there was literally no opportunity to do so. Time was short between takes, and we're together with half a dozen other crewmembers. And we finished shooting just in the nick of time, so she was out of her costume and out the door in minutes, while I had to pack up because we were on location in a historic house, and had to leave by a certain time.

And as far as looking her up, she's an actress, and I think she expects a degree of public access. It's not like I find her home number through one of those person search websites, or found out where she works and got her number or something. It'd be weird if I were calling, but if by email, she'd surely have to realize I found it by looking up her name and finding her website.

I mean, back in the day, you'd have looked up someone in the white pages. Now we have google and websites. Is there much difference?

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm always kind of flattered when someone does a bit of work to reach out to me. It's a compliment. I mean, I'd hope she'd take it that way that I took the time to look her up and send her a message. I mean, I hope we've not devolved as a society where just sending a note is somehow weird or wrong.

And at the end of it all, I probably won't ever see her again, so what's the harm? Worst case scenario she turns me down or never replies at all, and I'm left alone, which is what I am already. So...

Whatever method you got her e-mail, I would say it's a case of nothing to lose.

The E-mail through her website, will no doubt be her manager who manages that E-mail.

Why don't you just ask her on set?

Honestly, if I had received that by an E-mail through my work website, I would probably find it creepy.

Sigh. I EXPLAINED why in my previous post. There was NO time, and NO privacy. What, am I gonna ask a girl out on set between takes with a half dozen crewmembers standing about?

Film productions are effing busy, and there was literally no time to ask, just some friendly exchanges given the two or three minutes we had occasionally between camera set ups.

There was no appropriate moment. I may be inexperienced at this, but I have enough sense to know when is NOT the right time to ask.

And as I said, I won't see her again. We had her for one day, and that's it, she's done on the picture. So emailing her is my only option. Do I take it?

What the hell, I WILL take it. Sick of being scared and worrying about if people will think I'm weird. To hell with it. I'm gonna do it.

If she's got a web site set up to promote her acting career, it seems perfectly reasonable for you to reach out to her this way. It's just an email, so I personally wouldn't find it creepy. Why not ask her out to lunch?

I once asked a girl to hang out via e-mail, and we had a wonderful day too.

Sent her a message.

I'm sick to effing death of being alone and having nobody, so at this point, caution be damned. I'm going for it!

Good for you. There's nothing to lose. Best of luck to you.

Make it a bit more casual and brief, be a little cheeky about why you didn't catch her on the day otherwise you may come across as a stalker.

How did you get her email?

Yes, how did you get it?

Just googled her name, and the first thing to come up was her official website (she's a local actress), and it had her email. Simple, something anyone could do, so it's not like I did a huge, stalkerish search to find some obscure info on her.

1) What wolfheart said. Tone it down/keep it casual
2) You wrote something for a project that's actually in production? Congrats--own it!

My two cents below. Feel free to edit (or ignore. Just trying to share from experience (this is coming from the perspective of someone that used to "script" a lot of social situations).
Things to consider in asking for a date: Context, Identity, Compliment, Interest, Request

Hi X,
Thought you were great on [Name of Project]. I wrote the script (and did the 'magic fingers')--would like to hear your perspective on some other projects I'm developing. Would have liked to talk to you more during the shoot, but were both pretty busy. Dinner at [local resto]? Next Thurs works for me--would that work for you?

Cheers,
[Name]
[Mobile]

Email is a brief, casual medium so you will want/need to be both. Start general (you were great!). Combine the compliment with identifying yourself (so she associates you with compliments!). Next, establish interest. "would like to hear your perspective" is pretty weak I know, but I think you get the gist; edit accordingly. You want to hear her opinion on the experience you have in common. People in general, women in particular, like to know their opinions are valued. For the request, be specific but flexible. Suggest a location and date. Date should be no less than 3 days in advance and no more than 7. Suggest a date too soon and you appear to presume that she (and you) have nothing else to do ("I'm standing outside your window. Wanna have coffee?"). Too far in advance and you appear pretentious ("verily, I date many a lass and shall therefore schedule you a fortnight hence")

Since YOU sent her an email, YOU are establishing email as the preferred form of communication. Include your mobile, but not as part of the message. If she wants to call you, she will. If she wants to you call her, she will send you her #. If she doesn't reply, wait a week, then send a send a cheeky follow-up: "Hey, free dinner with a scriptwriter--how bout it? "

I don't think you need to worry about how you got her email. You're the scriptwriter so its reasonable that you'd have access to her portfolio, etc.

Good luck dude. If it doesn't work out, keep writing scripts for projects that get produced and I'm sure you'll meet a few more actresses.

Let us know how it goes, Brian.