My husband is an Aspie and twins are on the way!

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Hey everyone! I guess Im just here for a little advice. I tried to google some research and just wasnt getting very far. My husband is the love of my life and he has high functioning aspergers. This from time to time made things a little difficult in our ralationship. He gets frustrated easily, and healthy communication is a constant struggle. Its takes constant reminding on my part to be understanding, that he doesnt process things the same way I do.. I have known him for 12 years. We dated for almost 2 years as teens but it was too hard to make it work back then. At 17 he was yet to be diagnosed and often took his frustration to levels of aggression. I ended things when he seriously injured me. It was not done on purpose but it was done out of aggression. 10 years later we got back together, he has had tons of therapy (a little over 10 yrs of it but hasnt been to it since october when we changes states. As soon as he gets insurance back in March he will be continuing therapy) and handles his frustration so much better now. He doesnt act out of aggression the way he use to.. but he still has some issues especially when it comes to my 2 year old from a previous relationship.. I have to remind him often that she is just a baby b/c he will often raise his voice or slam things down... and it just worries me. Im really worried b/c we have twins that are on the way and are due in 6 wks. Babies are VERY frustrating and we will be having 2, on top of having a toddler. Thats going to be alot of crying and alot of noise and alot of chaos. How can I help him deal with all this? What are warning signs to watch out for? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

First of all, my condolences on the upcoming loss of your love life, and congratulations on the upcoming birth of twins!

Anyway. The best way to explain things to an Aspie is to be direct. Word it just like you wrote, explaining the little ones are still only babies. Explain it almost as you would to a child but don't insult his intelligence; just be direct and straightforward.

Don't mean to put any worry on you, but how old are the both of you now?
If he has a job at work, I would recommend he take paternity leave if that is an option when you are done maternity leave from any job you work. The reason for this would be so that he can at least adjust to the babies in your lives without the stress of having to go to work. When that is accomplished, he can try getting to work again.

You have reason to be concerned. I am glad to hear he will be re-entering therapy.

Have you considered therapy for yourself. In your post I hear you minimizing his behavior. Example:

You are making some minor distinction between lashing out injuriously out of aggression as opposed to mindfully. Isn't that worse; more frightening, than if he could control it?

BUT:

So, he still acts out aggressively, but not as badly as he used to?

Please get some help for yourself. You are making excuses for violent behavior in your home where you have a toddler. I am afraid that your intention to see your husband as a good man is blinding you to the level of danger he represents. That we understand the reason for the aggression (inability to tolerate frustration due to AS) does not mean that he is a safe person to be with young frustrating children.


The warning signs are already present, it is your minimization of those signs that is concerning. Ten years of therapy and he still slams stuff with a toddler present. Look, I am not saying that you should not be able to love a violent man; clearly you do. And if it were only you and him, I would not be concerned, you are an adult, free to make your own choices. Not so for the toddler and babies. They are dependent upon your protection but you are unwilling to see violent behavior for what is; predictably dangerous. Get some therapy for yourself so that you can make choices based on the unfolding reality you are faced with.

I would ensure him, that its absolutely ok, if its getting too much for him. So normally many Asperger try to go as far as they can, not willing to give up in certain situations even if they are on their limit because you got learned in your youth: "This is normal, and you have to endure it and everyone else also has to do this and so on and so on..." If that fits on your partner, then its ok as long as its about work, housework, social situations and so on..., because if he is wrong and its getting too much for him and he has a meltdown there is no helpless person connected to him.

But when it comes to toddler and babies, ensure him, that absolute noone will ever think bad about him (involving you, your and his family) if he is acting responsible against himself and his babies and is willing to call for help, if its getting too much.

So they dont say, but most people think bad about you, if you would call your mom or your neighbor for example and just say as it is: "I am sorry. But right now it is too much for me, and i cant stand it any longer. Before i maybe get violent or anything, could you please take the babies for an hour or so, until I had some time to rest to calm down?"

So most people associate this with an looser, unable to handle his children and so on, but in reality its just someone acting responsible. If he feels, that he looses temper, specially in situations where he is alone responsible for his children, instead of ignoring it, he should act to it.

Hey there. Congrats on upcoming twins!

Know that unless you are your husband's Aspie focus, his PRIMARY focus will always override everything else - including you and your kids - as a priority. (For example, if gaming is his focus his gaming will supersede you without a LOT of therapy.) I don't know about the situation but it is going to be a lot of constant talking and working together to make sure that he watches after the kids :)

Sorry for the ominous overtone but I just want you to remember not to give up even if it seems he's not paying attention to the kids or you all the time. You just need to be extremely fervent and hopefully with his therapy he can become the best father in the world. :D (If he isn't already!)

Congrats on the new two!!
Twins can be a handful, we have a friend who is a single dad of 2.
Definitely have your husband make a list of what stresses him out, make 2 lists even. I of things that could stress him out regularly
and another list of things that he thinks will stress him out when the twins arrive.

Hopefully he's the type person to tell you or somebody if he is getting overwhelmed badly or too stressed out, if he keeps it in, its not good.
Is there an area in your house that you can make into a "quiet zone" in case he needs a retreat?

Definitely have him get back into therapy, with twins almost there, he likely should be talking to a professional about his feelings
and worries to someone who can give him an objective opinion and also help and advice if needed.

How does your husband act towards your 2 year old from the previous relationship? Does he act like a father to her or...?

MountainLaurel brings up the best points in all that she mentioned above.
If your husband has shown aggressive behavior in the past, and is prone to it, what would happen when his stress levels increase or he
gets overloaded or overwhelmed with the 3 babies?

I also feel for you, as you are going to have your hands full with 3 babies. What if your husband gets too frustrated, and gets violent around the babies or you?