This is why we have to stop being shy little wimps

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As aspies it is clear that for a lot of us, our condition makes finding a gf/bf impossible. We may be attractive but those of us who are too shy to ask a girl for her number will miss out on a potential relationship due to gendered norms! In my 23 years of life, I have never had a gf because any girl I was interested in I had never pursued(well this isnt totally true but i never asked them out), and the ones who liked me I wasn't attracted to(fair enough imo)....well I go to costco every weekend to eat samples and talk to my friends there(ive made friends with the workers there since im a regular freeloader lol) There has been this girl I had been interested in for the past year, and she and I would always talk every time we saw eachother. I always wanted to ask her out but never had the nerve. She wasnt a model or anything; slightly chubby, cute face, and nice personality. Anyway, because of my aspergers/shyness, I never asked her out. This would be fine if she still worked there, but I havent seen her in there for a few weeks. I think she quit.

so il never see her again!

sad thing is, I bet if I saw her tomorrow at costco, at the mall, or at the supermarket I still would not ask her out.

Now dont confuse this post for me being upset about this specific girl..there are others out there..my point is that this will always happy with all girls unfortunately...unless one i am attracted to comes on to me very strongly.

Such is life.

Before I'd ask someone out, I'd need some kind of hint that she at least slightly cares about me – that she's nice to me, not just polite.

My first problem is that I've never had any real crush.
I did have some sort of high-school crush, but I quickly noticed she was way out of my league.
A few years later, I spent quite a lot of time at school with a girl (I mainly helped her at math and chemistry). Getting attention from a girl was quite an amazing experience in itself, and I don't recall feeling any romantic attraction.
In my first year at university, I had some sort of crush. But she didn't even care to tell me when she moved to a different university, so that probably wasn't serious.
That's basically it. So shyness isn't really a problem for me, because there's currently nobody I'd consider asking out.

An issue I have is that I have asked a handful of women out in the past, but it has never turned out well. A few of them I considered at least relatively good friends, I enjoyed their company. However, after asking them out it put a rift between us and effectively ended the friendships, which was kind of difficult on me (like once they found out I was attracted to them, they didn't feel like we should be friends anymore). Not to mention gossip spreads like wildfire, and pretty soon it becomes common knowledge who I asked out lol.

So now I just play it safe and stick to online dating, where both parties know the other's intentions. I'd only ask someone out again in real life if I: a.) knew I would never have to see them again b.) detected some noticeable form of interest and c.) could manage to have a decent, interesting conversation with them beforehand.

Yes, if one is interested in someone and never mentions it, its likely they will lose their opportunity. But I don't exactly see what being to shy to ask someone out has anything to do with being a wimp.......Its not like asking someone out is a show of strength or something. I've missed plenty of opportunities with guys by being totally oblivious to their interest in me or simply never mentioning it so I never knew if they liked me or not.

asking someone out does take a show of strength..but moreso NOT asking someone out when you really want to do so shows weakness and timidness.

While Logicly that would make sense, logic doesn't govern attraction or love. Very few people see shyness and think weakness. If someone finds you attractive you could be shy or outgoing it doesn't matter. As for asking people out you are interested in. Sure you should always go for it, but don't expect it to change much, if a man/woman you like sees you as shy if you ask them out theyll still see you as shy. If they like shy people and like you they might go for it, but if they don't like shy people it wont matter how out going you are they'll still see you as shy.

I'm going to have to disagree with you on that one. Most see it as a weakness in my experience.

@wtfid2: I'm just wondering about your subject line. "This is why..." I know I'm quite a bit older than most of the posters in L&D, but even in my teens, I already knew the reason. Are there really a lot of members who don't know the consequences of being shy?

I guess I'm just confused what it is you're trying to say, or what it is you're looking for.

it's just ialways knew shyness hurt my chances but figured someone would come along eventually. Seeing first hand how shyness really took this opportunity away from me really hit home. I always figured id have forever to work up the courage to ask these girls out but eventually they all disappear.

What do you think you should do about it?

idk..to be honest i feel im getting more shy

Well in terms of asking out someone no, few people see it as weakness. However if this was about standing up to someone or speaking your mind then yes most people will see that as a weakness.

Shyness in terms of dating is often just seen as a lack of experience. The "Virgin" is often depicted as being shy not because of his/her weakness but because of their inexperience.

never put yourself into the role of being, in her eyes, the object of pity. because that turns you into a "white man's burden" so to speak, that she's earning her damn angel wings by being your friend. because what happens is they don't consider you human, so that when you have Real Live Feelings, they split, because, hey, the relationship was only about what they could suck out of you for their own karma. it had nothing to do with you, it never had anything to do with you. often times, you're penance for her own bad behavior and/or feelings of guilt towards treating others like s**t.

The second you find out that someone is doing that to you...drop them. Immediately. Don't waste your time. Because you'll find that if you do that and they don't come around, they weren't serious. If they do--if they seek you out, wonder what's up, wonder what's going on, that means they are probably a bit more serious, and you might not have to worry so much about putting that offer out there.

And sometimes, girls are immature, even though they can bleed and are grown and make babies and such and can legally buy beer. don't discount that.

Just remember: YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING AND NOT A FIXER-UPPER. If she wants to fix something up, tell her to go buy an antique cabinet that needs restoring.

Last edited by JHKyle on 21 Dec 2012, 10:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.

virgins are weak!..and lame!! noone wants one!

If you truely believe that then shyness is the least of your issues.

Still disagree. Not in my experience. Not in asking someone out? That doesn't even make sense. You've got to be forward to ask someone out. Shyness takes away the very qualities needed to ask someone out. Your world/life view sounds more like the movies than the real world. The real world isn't like that. Not the one I live in.