I'm curious as to the combination of Aspergers and ambiguity. I'm in love with a man who I highly suspect has Aspergers, though definitely undiagnosed. He's in his early 50s, and I'm in my late-30s.
Though my feelings haven't changed in 5+ years, he continues to hold me at arm's length. We've had a complicated past and we no longer live in the same city. But we've maintained contact, our friendship has developed, and he hasn't dated anyone in that time.
But even though our moments together are amongst the most intimate and natural I've ever known, he still stubbornly pushes away any effort of mine to define our relationship. He continually stresses his need for distance and ambiguity.
I understand the need for distance. I'm NT, but grew up in a fairly rural, isolated environment, and am also a writer. "Alone time" doesn't bother me. I'm fairly certain I wouldn't even need to live with him, if that's what concerns him. I've said as much to him... though not sure he gets it. It's sometimes hard for me to know whether I've "reached" him or not.
He statements are so opposite. On one hand, he has admitted he wishes I could be his. But on the other hand, he continually pushes me away, stating that I'm better off, that he cannot love the same as other people, that I would always be the one investing more emotionally, and that our relationship will always, always, always remain ambiguous and at my lead. He will neither commit to it nor encourage it. Yet he wants it.
He has admitted to being afraid of getting too close, of distancing himself on purpose for fear of failure.
But I'm confused as to whether there's enough here to keep pursuing hopes for a relationship. I don't mind doing much of the emotional work, and I've certainly maintained my love and commitment for him even when left with nothing.
But what does it really take for an Aspergers man to have a relationship? And what does he mean by his need for ambiguity?
Sorry if this is confusing. I'm confused myself.
Thanks!
