How to make friends with a crush?

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Hi! I'm a boy pushing 18 years old, I am diagnosed with a mild form of Aspergers and I'm currently in my 12th year of high school.

So I've known a girl for about 10 years, and just recently I've developed a huge crush on her. I feel very happy when I'm around her and I think about her every day. We haven't spoken much, but I want to try and make good friends with her. In class I sit at the same table with her and her and my friend sit between us. I want to start joining in their conversations, and eventually get to know her through him, but I stay silent most of the time and just let them talk amongst the two of them because I don't want to come off as intrusive or too eager. How can I "break the ice" with her without coming off as creepy or too eager?

Joining the conversation seems unlikely to be perceived as intrusive or over-eager. The arrangement you describe is a very nice way to get to know one another better. If you can converse in a three way conversation (some aspies have trouble with that) your current arrangement is the perfect ice breaking setting.

Keep it light and fun by adding to the topic being discussed in brief statements, observations and/or questions.

Should I ask her questions about herself? i.e. She likes to talk about videogames, when shes talking about them would it come off as weird if I said something like "What do you guys like to play?" (referring to her and my friend). Do girls like when you express interest about them as long as you don't come off as too eager?

When I meet her before class, would it be a good idea to say hello to her? (I've only been sitting at her table for a few days now, and we've hardly spoken before).

Yep. That's how you do it.


Sure. Or wave in greeting. I work with 150 people and we almost always greet one another each time in passing.

These are excellent ideas. Asking her questions is good; it shows you're interested in her and what she thinks, and women like that.
Do you play video games too? If so, this gives you something to talk about.
Also, a word of warning: don't "make friends" with your crush. By that I mean, don't take too long getting to know her without showing romantic interest. Many aspies (myself included) have made this mistake. If you act interested, and she seems interested, ask her out on a date. I recommend something low pressure like coffee, or lunch, or whatever it is high school students do for fun these days.

Now I feel old.

Jesus Christ, you remind me of me at 18, so I am going to help "myself" now.

To answer the initial question, no. Relationships generally have to kick off pretty much as soon as you begin being around her to some routine amount, otherwise the chemistry never starts (which is random, regardless) and you get permanently friendzoned. It's just how it works.

(Edit: This is a shot in the dark, but if you have a sister and you can do your best to treat her like she's your sister, it could help some. Try that, and if it doesn't work, then continue).

But, now I have to give you a little bit of "medicine." It's going to hurt.

Your Asperger's makes it so that you cannot understand social cues that neurotypicals can. It makes it so that you can't understand the body language and nuance everyone else does. You don't naturally "get" what most other people do, socially, and you don't know you can't "get" it. To our mind, things are nervous and don't work out, and we're left with this mysterious fog on "why."

So, even though you're nice as can be and wish that your ladyfriend you have some feelings for had the happiest life ever, you don't realize that just listening in on her might be a bit creepy, in and of itself. I know you don't intend on it being that way, and you're simply a bit shy/nervous and trying to do it the best way you can, but there's a social order to things that the world works by, and if you don't go pretty much by it, it really rubs them the wrong way.

Now, so this is where I make everything better for you. First off, I would suggest you back off and spend zero time with her and her friend. Just hang out with other people, do your own thing, pay little attention to her. You have work to do. Attempting anything now will ruin your chances with her. You are absolutely not ready.

Finally, it's time for your homework. Read this:

http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Bullets-2nd ... 3941579347 and
http://www.amazon.com/Undercover-Sex-Si ... 0806527935 and
http://www.datingskillsreview.com/revel ... s-mystery/ and
http://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-S ... 0061438294 and

And, as a quick thing on the side:

http://www.businessballs.com/body-language.htm

And, while you do that, study and LEARN what is taught. Consider it like it's a full-on course, if that makes it better. Then, come back to here and you will know exactly what I'm talking about.

But, if you doubt me, simply say it, and I'll tell you exactly how you'll bomb out. Believe me, I wish someone gave me these books when I was 18, or even better, if I was 12. Good luck!

Thanks for being honest with me. I'll do my best to stay away from her. Are there any free sources of information I will find helpful?

Not for all of us. I have to make friends to even consider a relationship, but then again, I am on the spectrum. It might not work like that for the NT people

Well, now I'm confused...

Oh, well. I am probably not normal I know that some people around WP are the same, but it is probably not the normal human behaiour.
I also do not develop a "crush", it is a feeling that I just do not develop, that might have something to do with it.

I am sorry if I brought confusion into the discussion.

I'll PM you on this.

Well, I'm not NT either. But, given that 99% of people are NT, I have to work with it. I have no other choice.

Being undiagnosed most of my life, I lived by not playing by their rules and it didn't work out all that well.

Also, this is truly different for boys than girls, since an AS girl can pretty much stand there, look pretty and a relationship *can* start, since NT guys initiate everything.

If an AS guy does the same (or what the OP was attempting), he'll be alone forever.

Also, social aptitude is one of the key things most NT Women judge men on (unconsciously), making it double trouble.

I'm not saying you have an easy life, but it's just different.

And, it's clearly reflected in the amount of NT Men-AS Women relationships discussed here (versus the almost nonexistent NT Women-AS Men ones) in wp.net

JRR wrote:

QuArMaPoWeR wrote:

OK, staying away from her should be easy. But that's no way to enjoy a girl's company, or learn a thing about talking to girls.



This, as a generalization, is simply not the rule. How attraction starts and grows is not a one trick pony. I am not denying that friendzoning is a real phenomenon. Women getting to know a guy in a group setting with growing attraction is also a real phenomenon; and I think it's the predominant way couples get together. It lends itself to women's general need to feel comfortable around a guy before feeling attraction. Most of us need that.

My advice is, beyond your "initial" friendship, you gotta act fast in regard to your feelings. Or else you'll hold them in and not be able to have a friendship with her because basically you'll be constantly lying to her anytime you're around her. So once you do get to know her, figure out some way to "spit it out" and see wtf happens. As far as how you get around to talking to her, zero idea, probably somewhere along the lines of just walk up to them/her and start talking. I mean, there might be a more tact way to go about it, but since I have Aspergers I can't think of it.

Well, good luck, and you're still in high school, right? Have fun with it all, you won't see too many people from high school again, so it doesn't matter if you look like an idiot really, as it's hopefully your last year.

Yes sir I am, 12th and last year... Which is why I want to act quickly. Thanks. You guys are so much help.

I'll try to get to know her better, and I'll buy the sources JRR has given to me. Thank you for all your help from the bottom of my heart guys. I'd love some more tips if you have any and it's no trouble, because I still feel like I'm going down a creek without a paddle lol.