Nasty Girls in your home city

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SectorStar
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30 Sep 2012, 4:11 pm

So after trying to date the last 2 years in real life, I've come to the conclusion that in my city there are a lot of nasty girls here, and by that I don't mean in terms of physical looks or hygiene or that stuff, I mean in terms of mentally and how they treat other people. I'm almost to the point sometimes to where I wonder if I ever wanted to have a girl friend if I'd have to move to another city for the sake of finding "nicer" girls, but unfortunately I'm not doing that as I don't believe love is something you should have to go out of your way to spend extra money on, and I'm not doing so in that to move somewhere else.

Examples of what I'm talking about:

Meet someone on a dating site that lives in your town or through the dating section on craigs list. Everything is fine till they ask to see your pic, then when you send it they quit talking to you. By no means am I over weight or anything, I'm like a tooth pick almost.

Decide its easier to move on once you tell them your autistic or somewhere in the spectrum. I have a couple girls I met that seemed nice at first then once I brought the word up the conversations stopped, I was probably seen as a project to them.

I've had girls that have told me multiple times that we're gonna hang out on a certain day/time. I text the night before to figure out the day or time as they're the ones that told me to text and ask the next day in the first place, hear nothing back. The next day when I do finally get a hold of them they tell me they were "too busy" often times I never found out what they were "busy" doing but I can probably guess sadly and then act as if they were offended that I tried to ask when they were the one that never responded to a text/phone call THEY told me to make in the first place to plan our hang out day or whatever <_<

I don't dare try to date at work. I work at Costco and there are people close to my age, most are out of my league though. Affairs are going on left and right, people getting other people pregnant, etc.....

I don't drink so I seldom have a reason to go to a bar unless its a work outing every once in a while.....in which I usually end up getting shafted and designated driver so sadly I don't even like to attend those much anymore....

My social skills are probably better off that what they were when I was in high school but I'm sure I still come off as "odd" to an NT person. I'll be 24 at the end of November and the world is defiantly not kind to a high functioning autistic person like me....



Blammo
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30 Sep 2012, 4:29 pm

You'll be okay. Don't lose hope! Trust me, there ARE nice people out there. Just not many.


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cathylynn
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30 Sep 2012, 4:31 pm

i wouldn't mention your autism to someone until after you've been dating for a few months. it may help.

you only need to find one compatible person. even if 90% of the girls you meet are nasty, you still have good chance of meeting a decent one.



Blammo
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30 Sep 2012, 4:32 pm

cathylynn wrote:
i wouldn't mention your autism to someone until after you've been dating for a few months. it may help.

you only need to find one compatible person. even if 90% of the girls you meet are nasty, you still have good chance of meeting a decent one.


I was going to dump a girl until she told me she had Asperger's. If only she had told me sooner it may have worked out.


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Since everyone else has this on their signatures.. might as well conform:

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Shebakoby
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01 Oct 2012, 3:38 am

I guess being nasty is how people who aren't interested in people get rid of said people.

which, don't get me wrong, there's no excuse and it still makes them nasty, but some people think that being mean is the only effective way to drive off unwanted suitors.



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01 Oct 2012, 7:36 am

NT's are comparably nastier than aspies, in nearly all matters.....

However, getting dumped after a photo is no biggy, you should have had a photo up to begin with.



JanuaryMan
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01 Oct 2012, 10:01 am

I think the key word here is "city". I'm a city boy and know what you mean. There are good people left in the cities, though, OP. The problem I find is in order to meet them you have to "keep up". It's a social conditioning that is predominantly found in cities. Just find ways to approach situations differently, and be persistent and eventually you'll find love, romance, a close encounter, whatever it is you are looking for..

Admittedly when I saw the title of this thread I thought it was gonna be one of spambots advertising for an adult "dating" site :lol: was this intentional?



SectorStar
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01 Oct 2012, 3:49 pm

cathylynn wrote:
i wouldn't mention your autism to someone until after you've been dating for a few months. it may help.

you only need to find one compatible person. even if 90% of the girls you meet are nasty, you still have good chance of meeting a decent one.


See thats the thing, its a double edge sword when you mention it. I've mentioned it straight from the start and they quit talking and I've waited after talking/texting back and fourth a few days to see if there even "sorda" interested in me still and after bringing it up the convos stop as well.

Its as I posted in another thread that someone made, despite the increased awareness for autism, many people still don't really have a firm education on it and don't even know theres different spectrums of it. When most people hear autism they automatically think of someone thats mentally ret*d (low functioning) and probably thinks it'd be like trying to date a 7 year old. They don't know theres people like me that can be high functioning and be able to do things like drive a car and have a job for 2 years and that such.

Surfman wrote:
NT's are comparably nastier than aspies, in nearly all matters.....

However, getting dumped after a photo is no biggy, you should have had a photo up to begin with.


On my dating sites I do yes, but on craig's list I don't feel safe posting a picture on there right from the start on my add. I had a girl recently that liked what I wrote on my add and emailed me back asking to see a pic. I sent her one, 10 mins later I get a response back "sorry I don't think it'll work out". What won't work out? All I did was send you a pic! I punched in her email on facebook and saw what she looked like. Pretty, attractive, someone that most autistic people would probably see as out of their league to an "untouchable" like us.

JanuaryMan wrote:

Admittedly when I saw the title of this thread I thought it was gonna be one of spambots advertising for an adult "dating" site :lol: was this intentional?


I just don't see anything pretty about girls that are really shallow and judgmental towards people they don't even get to take the time to know all about them because of one picture they saw of them or because a word like autism is brought up....



JanuaryMan
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01 Oct 2012, 5:06 pm

In fairness, you are doing the same as they are. You are pre judging them based on a first encounter before you even know if they are shallow 24/7 or just on the off chaxce. You have to be fair, we all have shallow traits at one time or another and this happens on nights out. Alcohol impairs judgement on both sides.

I would be the bigger person, accept they might be judging you and prove to them what a decent person you can be before even bringing up Asperger's. Leave it til you know them on some more personal basis and can determine whether or not they are worth your time.



SectorStar
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01 Oct 2012, 5:40 pm

JanuaryMan wrote:
In fairness, you are doing the same as they are. You are pre judging them based on a first encounter before you even know if they are shallow 24/7 or just on the off chaxce. You have to be fair, we all have shallow traits at one time or another and this happens on nights out. Alcohol impairs judgement on both sides.

I would be the bigger person, accept they might be judging you and prove to them what a decent person you can be before even bringing up Asperger's. Leave it til you know them on some more personal basis and can determine whether or not they are worth your time.


Ending all conversation with someone just because they are autistic or because of ONE pic you saw them is enough of a reason to call someone shallow in my book. Being autistic, I know what it feels like to shoved aside, I've met lots of people online and such and I never turned down a conversation with them because of the first pic of them I saw, or because they had a handicap or something else like they have a kid.

While your "show them your the bigger person" deal sounds like an excellent plot for a movie, thats not how the real world works. In fact, if a girl pretty much rejected you and you kept trying to communicate with them after, that can be seen as characteristics of a stalker or someone that won't take no for an answer and the next thing you know you have restraining order placed on you. Not that I've had it happen to me or anything, but I highly doubt any of the girls that have rejected me would just accept me once I tried to prove something, most of them would probably just delete my emails/texts without even reading them or automatically block me after they've rejected me like most do.



JanuaryMan
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01 Oct 2012, 6:06 pm

Why would I continue to bother someone that doesn't want to talk to me? You have to see it from that perspective as well. I too have been brushed aside or bullied at school, college and at work because of how I was and me not understanding what was different about me, or what to do in that kind of situation.

I know it's hurtful, I know it's unfair but it's far too easy to pass all blame to other peoples' social conditioning and excuse yourself any possible time in order to keep yourself steadied. You have to remember in a way you are complaining about their intolerance yet assuming they are all intolerant and in turn being intolerant towards them. It's not the answer, even if it makes you feel better. The more you do this the more you will not get the opportunity to get experience or learn.

Sometimes you can't learn something without first trying or making a few mistakes. I had to make a LOT of embarrassing mistakes in my life to get more socially adept. I wouldn't trade those mistakes for someone else's. And yes there are nasty girls out there, but if you're such a nice guy then you don't have anything to worry about because if you were truly nice, and had the courage to face such adversity you will eventually pull through. And once you've pulled through everything gets a lot easier.



SectorStar
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01 Oct 2012, 6:28 pm

JanuaryMan wrote:

Sometimes you can't learn something without first trying or making a few mistakes. I had to make a LOT of embarrassing mistakes in my life to get more socially adept. I wouldn't trade those mistakes for someone else's. And yes there are nasty girls out there, but if you're such a nice guy then you don't have anything to worry about because if you were truly nice, and had the courage to face such adversity you will eventually pull through. And once you've pulled through everything gets a lot easier.


Again.....thats not how the real world works. Society has been led to believe through false depictions in movies and tv shows that if your treated badly in life or different, that eventually someone will just "pop up" in front of you and everything will be rainbows and unicorns from there on.

I really believe I just live in a bad city, people don't date other people based on things like personality or that type of stuff anymore, its all based on physical things now sadly.

If your not a muscular stud, don't bother messaging Girl A
If your a geek/nerd, don't bother messaging Girl B
If you work at a certain type of business or trade, don't bother messaging Girl C
I've even seen some girls put things on dating sites that if your penis is smaller than a certain size don't bother messaging them either. Its ridiculous now what the standards are to try to date someone!



Last edited by SectorStar on 01 Oct 2012, 6:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Northeastern292
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01 Oct 2012, 6:28 pm

Half of Northern New York. 'Nuff said.



BlackDwarf
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01 Oct 2012, 6:30 pm

SectorStar wrote:
So after trying to date the last 2 years in real life, I've come to the conclusion that in my city there are a lot of nasty girls here, and by that I don't mean in terms of physical looks or hygiene or that stuff, I mean in terms of mentally and how they treat other people. I'm almost to the point sometimes to where I wonder if I ever wanted to have a girl friend if I'd have to move to another city for the sake of finding "nicer" girls, but unfortunately I'm not doing that as I don't believe love is something you should have to go out of your way to spend extra money on, and I'm not doing so in that to move somewhere else.

Examples of what I'm talking about:

Meet someone on a dating site that lives in your town or through the dating section on craigs list. Everything is fine till they ask to see your pic, then when you send it they quit talking to you. By no means am I over weight or anything, I'm like a tooth pick almost.

Decide its easier to move on once you tell them your autistic or somewhere in the spectrum. I have a couple girls I met that seemed nice at first then once I brought the word up the conversations stopped, I was probably seen as a project to them.

I've had girls that have told me multiple times that we're gonna hang out on a certain day/time. I text the night before to figure out the day or time as they're the ones that told me to text and ask the next day in the first place, hear nothing back. The next day when I do finally get a hold of them they tell me they were "too busy" often times I never found out what they were "busy" doing but I can probably guess sadly and then act as if they were offended that I tried to ask when they were the one that never responded to a text/phone call THEY told me to make in the first place to plan our hang out day or whatever <_<

I don't dare try to date at work. I work at Costco and there are people close to my age, most are out of my league though. Affairs are going on left and right, people getting other people pregnant, etc.....

I don't drink so I seldom have a reason to go to a bar unless its a work outing every once in a while.....in which I usually end up getting shafted and designated driver so sadly I don't even like to attend those much anymore....

My social skills are probably better off that what they were when I was in high school but I'm sure I still come off as "odd" to an NT person. I'll be 24 at the end of November and the world is defiantly not kind to a high functioning autistic person like me....


*shrug* that's how they all are in general, nothing new there.



JanuaryMan
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01 Oct 2012, 6:52 pm

SectorStar wrote:
JanuaryMan wrote:

Sometimes you can't learn something without first trying or making a few mistakes. I had to make a LOT of embarrassing mistakes in my life to get more socially adept. I wouldn't trade those mistakes for someone else's. And yes there are nasty girls out there, but if you're such a nice guy then you don't have anything to worry about because if you were truly nice, and had the courage to face such adversity you will eventually pull through. And once you've pulled through everything gets a lot easier.


Again.....thats not how the real world works. Society has been led to believe through false depictions in movies and tv shows that if your treated badly in life or different, that eventually someone will just "pop up" in front of you and everything will be rainbows and unicorns from there on.

I really believe I just live in a bad city, people don't date other people based on things like personality or that type of stuff anymore, its all based on physical things now sadly.

If your not a muscular stud, don't bother messaging Girl A
If your a geek/nerd, don't bother messaging Girl B
If you work at a certain type of business or trade, don't bother messaging Girl C
I've even seen some girls put things on dating sites that if your penis is smaller than a certain size don't bother messaging them either. Its ridiculous now what the standards are to try to date someone!


Then maybe seeking a date or girlfriend isn't for you. Have you thought about, you know, just making friends and mingling for now and worrying about that stuff when it happens? A lot of people on WP just do that then come back here when they need help "sealing the deal" or developing their friendship into a relationship. I found the more I focused on dating and loneliness I never got anybody and at best would get the attention of 1 girl or so a year (conversation wise) and that's it. Now I don't even think about it and my chances are a lot better. I don't even look that great or carry myself over confidently. People have a sixth sense if you will for loners. They will know you if you are lonely, rather than just a lone person who is not worried about being lonely.



mds_02
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01 Oct 2012, 8:19 pm

SectorStar wrote:
Again.....thats not how the real world works. Society has been led to believe through false depictions in movies and tv shows that if your treated badly in life or different, that eventually someone will just "pop up" in front of you and everything will be rainbows and unicorns from there on.


I don't think that's what he's saying will happen.

I think what he's saying is more along the lines of "every time you try (and fail) you gain valuable experience that can, if you are willing to keep trying, make you more adept at the social 'game.'"

You said earlier:

SectorStar wrote:
See thats the thing, its a double edge sword when you mention it. I've mentioned it straight from the start and they quit talking and I've waited after talking/texting back and fourth a few days to see if there even "sorda" interested in me still and after bringing it up the convos stop as well.

Its as I posted in another thread that someone made, despite the increased awareness for autism, many people still don't really have a firm education on it and don't even know theres different spectrums of it. When most people hear autism they automatically think of someone thats mentally ret*d (low functioning) and probably thinks it'd be like trying to date a 7 year old. They don't know theres people like me that can be high functioning and be able to do things like drive a car and have a job for 2 years and that such.


Then why not wait longer before telling them?

I mean, way I see it, there's two things you want them to know; that you have this condition, and (more importantly) that you can still function out in the world despite it.

Sounds like they're having a knee-jerk reaction to the first bit of information. Making unwarranted assumptions about you based on it. Unfortunately, once those assumptions have been made, they don't give you a chance to correct them.

So why not demonstrate that you are functional and capable before telling them about the autism? Correct their false assumptions before they get the chance to make them.

It's not dishonesty. It's not hiding. It's simply choosing the order in which these facts about you come out.


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