Figuring out a girl I've met recently

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starryeyedvoyager
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09 Sep 2012, 2:02 pm

As I am constantly thriving to improve my abilitiy to relate to other people and judge their intentions, I would like your insight regarding the interaction between me and a female acquaintance I have recently made
I've met her online on some forums that covers our subject at college, and I presented the results of my studies regarding a paper we are writing. To give you some context, it is very, very rare that college students that study the law in Germany share their results with others (because, frankly, it is a tough thing to study here and folks tend to become selfish and competetive really early on, and so they never share anything, because someone else might get a better grade than them if they did), and she sent me a private message asking me if I could explain some things to her in greater detail, to which I replied I would prefer meeting in person to do that, since it is alot easier. It is true that I do not actually prefer real life meeting over internet, but in this case, it really facilitates matters and since I was going to the library anyways, I figured we might just meet there. As an additional note, I did not know that she was a girl at that moment, allthough I assumed it by the way she wrote, and the fact that every single person that had the courage to ask me for my results privately was female.... which in itself is interesting enough.
Anyhow, I gave her my description and we met. When we met the next day in the early morning, I was already a little bit... let's say overwhelmed by the fact that she showed up rather overdressed and overly styled for a casual meeting to discuss college stuff: She wore high heels, was dressed rather fashionable, had a noticable amount of make up and had used an unpleasant amount of collogne (allthough that is almost certainly just me, but she did stand out from the rest, to say the least). I do not know if she is always dressed like that, or dressed like that because she wanted to make a good impression, or wanted to be prepared in case I was "hot" or anything.
After exchanging the usual pleasantries, we talked about the paper, but she soon seemed to lose interest in discussing those matters (I think mainly because I worked really hard on that paper and had alot to present, and I guess that was a little more than she expected. I figured she might just have been a little disappointed seeing how much she had ahead of her). She aksed me if I wanted to anywhere for coffee, and I didn't mind since the place was rather irrelevant to me, so we rode her car to the coffee shop were she was working.
I had a surprisingly good small talk going, and I was enjoying myself, mainly because I was glad the person I was meeting wasn't a jerk. However, she did not seem too interested about discussing college matters, and was very... extroverted about some personal matters. She talked about her sick grandmother and how she was visiting her in hospital every day, how that interfered with her concentration. I've let her talk because either she wanted me to pity her and give her my results, or she really needed someone to talk to. Where I started to become a little suspicious was when she told me she recently broke up with her boyfriend, and a few moments later, she asked me where I lived and if I lived alone. I maneuvred myself around answering these question, because I felt that was a little too intimate to share someone I've just met.
At the coffee shop, we kept talking and she even payed for my drink. I've tried several times redirecting the topic back to the paper, but only with limited success. I do have to say that we shared some common interests (or she pretended it was the case as to get what she wanted). Another thing to mention: I brought her to her car (because... well, that's what you do, right?), and before she got in, she insisted on giving me a hug for good byes, which really, really caught me of guard, because, again, I didn't figure we have become that close in 2 hours. So, before se left, she said she'd write me a message before leaving for her granny.
Which she did. Several messages, actually. The first one right when I came home, and she added me on facebook. While she did ask me about the paper again, she also included alot of personal stuff again, and even sent me a message later just asking me "what I was up to" and "what I was doing later". It is really hard to describe, but she was overly thankful about me helping her with the college affairs, mentioning that at least two times in each message.
The next day, we exchanged messages again, and she told me that she became sick (and that message was introduced with "I hope you slept well"), I sent her a more detailed overview to work with. That was the last thing that happened, she has not written me again since.
I know it is a huge wall of text, but I really need some help evaluating this situation. Is this girl just trying to "exploit" me by pretending to be all nice with me and sharing intimate things, telling me about her sick grandma and all that? I wrote "exploit", because if she was, her efforts would be in vain because I would have shared my results with her, anyhow. Now, she did ask me if she could take a look at my paper, stating that she understood if I declined. Which I did, because that's where my helpfulness ends, but I sent her my summary, about she was equally happy.
Or, was she hitting on me? There are a few things that made me suspicious (the boyfriend thing, the hug, the fact that she seemed to try to impress me by stating that she liked the same things). And if so: Why would she do that? I have given her little reason to assume I was there to "flirt" (which I couldn't do if my life depended on it), nor did I take any effort to impress with my appearance. Her facebook seems to indicate that she is not more or less extroverted than the regular facebook user (she has a regular amount of pictures and information about herself, and she definitely is not posting everything on her page that just comes to her mind... in fact, her page is rather empty).
I appreciate every kind of advice, and appologize for the huge amount of text.

Thank you all!



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09 Sep 2012, 4:51 pm

At first I thought it was textbook date. She took you for coffee, she had small talk with you, she was interested in you, she gave you all the hints about making further contact with her. She was sick and hoped you would come over. But I don't know if you are the rebound guy, or if she is interested in your work. Somebody else will have to tell you. But if I were you I would be going over to help this "sick" person :D You could take her some chicken soup. Or whatever the textbook date the sick chick soup is :D

Is she attractive? If yes, just go over there



TM
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09 Sep 2012, 6:04 pm

When a girl asks you if you live alone, to go back to your place or something like that, it means "game on". If you're concerned about her stealing your paper, make a fake one or leave some critical information out of it when you explain it.



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09 Sep 2012, 6:11 pm

I don't know if she was flirting with you or not. I'm a woman, and I've had similar experiences when meeting other women for the first time. I'm not great at making small talk, so when people start to ramble I tend to listen and say things like 'really?' and 'oh' or 'hmmm'. My attempts at steering the conversation back on topic are usually unsuccessful, as it seems they'd rather talk about themselves. And yes, they overshare. I've been shocked at some of the personal things people I consider strangers have told me, apparently because I'm a 'good listener.' And I've found that a lot of women are very huggy and kissy and treat you as a good friend in a very short time. Makes me uncomfortable. I don't know about all of the messages she sent you afterwards. Maybe she is interested in you. *shrug*



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09 Sep 2012, 6:14 pm

Everything I see suggests she likes you and used the paper as an ice breaker to get to talk to you. Her dress and such were all hints.

As for the living at home, I think she wanted to go home and have sex with you.

When some girls break up with their boyfriend, they tend to like to have a fling or two to clear the guy out of their minds. Sometimes these will just be a bit of sex, sometimes they might be a relationship.

When she said she was sick, she was prob giving you a second chance to have sex with her.

I think it's unlikely she was going to go commando and steal your stuff, especially if it's on your computer.



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10 Sep 2012, 2:04 am

Thank you all for your insight, and for taking the time to read the novel I wrote.

It is pretty interesting to see that most of you judge the situation as flirty. You really think she was suggesting to have sex? Is that how women hint at it? Because... that would be rather direct. So direct, actually, that it never occured to me that this could have been her motivation. Never had such a thing happen to me. Somehow, I can't help but feel that there are better ways to hook up with guys than asking them for help at college stuff, especially if you do not even know what they look like
As to the question if she was attractive: Yes, I would say so, allthough, like I said, I am usually not into women that use alot of make up and dress like that. But her being quite pretty was one of the reasons I got so suspicious, because, while I get along with women better than with guys, I know that I am not exactly what you would call attractive (I am dull at best; the only things I got going for me is that I am tall and rather buff). When pretty girls are behaving like she did, I usually get a little edgy because I can't help but feel she must be aiming to gain something if she chose to approach me.
The reasons why I find that whole situation is odd is that I would never tell someone that I have just met that I am sick with the intention of them coming over and tending to me. Is that a normal thing to do? If your interpretation is correct, then this must have been the most severe form of hitting on somebody that I have ever witnessed.... with me being the one hit on, that is quite amusing, actually.
I really think this brings me alot further in understanding women.



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10 Sep 2012, 4:00 am

So the question is, what are you going to do about it? If you wait too long then the opportunity closes.



starryeyedvoyager
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10 Sep 2012, 4:54 am

Oh, well, I haven't thought about doing anything, actually. I wouldn't know how to do such a thing, anyways. Chances are I'd be making a fool of myself, and I am always glad when I maneuvre myself through social situations without doing that. It's not that I didn't think she was nice and all (and I am a guy and not asexual, though I do have a very low drive), but I really couldn't picture myself with a woman like her. After all, if you are right and she hinted at wanting to get intimate, she seems to have experience in promiscuity, and I have none, so go figure what it would be like if it came to that. Besides that, she hasn't texted me back since Saturday, so chances are she isn't interested in me anymore (if she ever were), and I don't want to harass people by sending them an E-mail when they obviously don't want anything to do with me anymore.



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10 Sep 2012, 7:51 am

How do you know she's not interested? You haven't send a message yesterday or today, have you?
How about sending the following:
"Hey, would it be possible to have another coffee at the coffee shop?
My treat as I'd like to get to know you better."

This time, don't talk about the papers... just make general chit-chat with her... if she's still the same as she was last time, then maybe you could open up to her.


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starryeyedvoyager
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10 Sep 2012, 9:37 am

Thank you for your advice. While I think it does sound kinda reasonable, I don't know if I can do that. Like I said, it's not that I didn't think she was nice, but wouldn't I come over as someone who just used my help as a means to hook up with girls? I really don't like the idea of a woman getting that kind of impression of me. And, like I said, even if it lead somewhere, I'm not sure how a woman reacts when she learns that someone her age has absolutely no experience with women. While I am not that sensitive about it, I don't like the prospect of being made fun of an embarassed because of that fact by someone that thinks I was trying to make a move on her.



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10 Sep 2012, 10:56 am

Well you can always learn :D She is using you just as much as you will be using her. Nobody is saying you will be raping her. But you will be able to learn something from showing up regardless. I understand the fear of being laughed at, but how else will you get the opportunity. You said it yourself this doesn't happen every day :)



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10 Sep 2012, 10:57 am

PastFixations wrote:
How do you know she's not interested? You haven't send a message yesterday or today, have you?
How about sending the following:
"Hey, would it be possible to have another coffee at the coffee shop?
My treat as I'd like to get to know you better."

This time, don't talk about the papers... just make general chit-chat with her... if she's still the same as she was last time, then maybe you could open up to her.


Send something like "Hey, I'm going to go get some coffee, want to come?" instead.



starryeyedvoyager
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10 Sep 2012, 1:22 pm

Thanks again for your insight, I will sleep over it and give all these things a thought. She did send me a message today, apologizing that she didn't reply earlier because she was sick.

Let's see how things unfold, I'll post when something happens.



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10 Sep 2012, 1:59 pm

As an NT/aspie/something else looking into this, I can say that her dressing very fancy off the bat is a warning sign.

Before you do anything physical with her, maybe get to know her better?

It is fine not to have physical experience, no one is an expert or starts out as an expert. People will understand this.

Worrying you will make a fool of yourself is natural. The key thing to remember is, if someone judges you solely on that, then they do not deserve to be with you.

If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask.



starryeyedvoyager
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10 Sep 2012, 2:20 pm

That's interesting. Why do you think her dressing all fancy is a bad sign? Because I had a similar feeling early on, but discarded it because I usually try not to be prejudiced when meeting someone new.



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10 Sep 2012, 8:23 pm

She wants your paper or your ideas because she can't do it herself. She can't even discuss the thing with you and asks twice about it. Why is this so hard to see, the facts are right there. You even wondered yourself why she over dressed.