Asperger's and Affection

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Hello,

I am new to the forums, so please excuse my ignorance. If there is a thread similar to this, or a quick explanation, please let me know.

My situation is quite simple. I am in a relationship with an Aspie female. She is 18 years old. I'm 23. She is not good at communicating with me. I see her communicating with her friends just fine, but when it comes to me, it almost seems like she doesn't feel like talking with me. I have asked her about this, and she just becomes very evasive. She doesn't seem to want to speak on the phone and is not very interesting in texting me. I show her as much affection as I can, which is a lot. I guess my main problem is she says she loves me sometimes, but she never shows this. I've tried talking to her about it, but it seems my efforts are all in vain.

Does anyone have any insight? I know aspies aren't exactly shining beacons on affection and have difficult times communicating their feelings. But to me, lack of communication in a relationship is concerning.

Thank you.

I will gladly answer questions.

First off, I was a little misled by the thread title; Aspie Affection is the name of a companion site, pardon the pun.

Anyway, the major barrier for us in friendships, romance and even among our families is that we communicate differently, as well as having different ways of doing things.

When she does say she loves you, is it connected to anything you might have just done or said? And when you say she never shows this, do you mean she never makes a special dispensation to texting, she doesn't write you a poem or bring your favorite snack, she doesn't respond to physical overtures, or a combination? She does nothing at all that indicates she chooses to be with you? I can say to look a little deeper, there may be ways she is reaching out that you're not used to, so they may be buried.

All in all how long have you noticed this 'one sidedness' going on? Excuse me if the questions sound redundant, we have a tendency to analyze and troubleshoot.

Bear in mind that if there has been no visible progress in communicating throughout this relationship the prognosis is unlikely to improve, especially if she gets the sense of feeling pressured in any way

Thank you for your response

It is possible I had read about or seen this companion site's name and it just came up with that name when I started typing. Things like that happen a lot to me.

When she says she loves me, it is usually 90% after I say I love her. This typically happens over text, and in person. A few times on the telephone.

When it comes to showing actual affection, it seems none of the typical traits of someone interested or in love with you are present. I have read about some Aspies here needing regular daily contact with their significant other, while some find this to be too much. Anyway, a poem would be nice, but I don't see that happening any time soon. I had asked her to text me out of the blue once in a while, so I did not always have to initiate contact, but after a couple of days her efforts stopped.

I guess I want to know if these are Aspie traits, or if she just isn't trying? Is showing affection, even just through communication, a learned skill?

One thing I should mention is that we can get physically intimate without an issue. She dislikes when I touch certain places on her body, but I usually figure it out and ask her if she likes this or not. She has been in more relationships than I have, so I figured she would have "learned" how to mimic typical affection.

This one sidedness has been going on for pretty much the whole time we were dating. At first I thought she was just shy, then I thought she just didn't like me, then she told me she had Asperger's and from then on I have been trying to figure it out.

Personally, I think if I didn't love her, I would have to stop the relationship. Instead of that I want to learn all I can about Asperger's and how it affects her. I want to feel 'special' to her. I've seen the way she is with animals and her interests, and I could only hope for a fraction of that 'love'.

How long have you been dating? I'm really not talkative, hate talking on the phone, iffy with affection, etc for a few weeks or even months into a new relationship. Until I feel I really know someone (and it takes time to get to that comfort level), I'm sure I come off as a completely cold b***h. lol But honestly I just take a LOT longer to get comfy with being myself. You said she talks with her friends just fine so I have to wonder if she's like me.
If someone gives me that time, then they're often surprised later on when I talk their head off or touch a lot. But it takes me much longer than the average person to feel comfortable with that.

OTOH, if you've been dating a long time then forget I said anything.

Hi Emmy,

Thank you for your reply

We've been dating just under 6 months. I know she feels comfortable with me, very comfortable actually. This brings me joy. But it could still be in the warm-up period. I'm not sure.. all Aspies are very different

I've started to learn not to sweat it. It was just difficult at first because I was used to the concept of reciprocating love. I have found things to do with my time now that I would usually spend with a partner communicating. She may feel like she is being neglected though, so it is a bit of a tricky situation

Does she perhaps make gestures or act in ways that she behaves is affectionate but you don't notice? She may have personal issues (intimacy related) which means she is cautious of showing too much affection.

I don't know if this helps because...well I don't have much experience with these things.

Personally. I'm not too fond of people touching me, I do know that it is important to people that I show them affection. Like for example, I try to hug my Mum or play with her hair sometimes. I don't find that I need it, but I like her being happy and a hug sometimes makes her happy.

I appreciate honesty and straightforwardness. Maybe you should just say, look I love you, but sometimes it doesn't feel as though you return my feelings. It would mean a lot to me and make me happy if you'd hold my hand or kiss my cheek. Tell her how much you like it and how special it makes you feel when she touches you. I know it isn't easy for you, but I want this to work. If she loves animals, then perhaps you could say, you know when you pat the dog on the head and it makes him happy. The more you pat him and scratch him, the more he trusts you, he knows that you're a friend. It's the same with me, I need affection so I know that you're my girlfriend and you think about me. Or if she's uncomfortable initiating touch, perhaps she could ask you for a hug instead.

I'm also an animal person. If someone is kind to my dog it goes along way. If my dog likes them, well then maybe its okay for me to like them too. Maybe you could do something animal related together like wash her dog if she has one, or go horse riding etc. I tend to find animals easier to be around because it seems so simple to me. A dog for instance will only bite me if I hurt it or scare it or threaten its territory. It will love me if I fed it, walk it and brush it. Sometimes people seem so complicated because there are all these little rules that you need to follow so they like you.

I tend to be sensitive to rejection. I know that I say or do the wrong things sometimes. If someone is especially important or I want them to like me, I end up doing nothing, because the thought of disappointing them or making them not like me anymore is really scary. It's a contraction because I want approval and love, but it makes me feel overwhelmed and scared. When someone says that they love me, I panic because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do or say. I hardly ever say it to anyone first, because what happens if they don't say it back or laugh. Saying those three little words makes you vulnerable, even if I know someone does love me and will say them back, doesn't mean that I'm not terrified that they won't.

I think that maybe you should reassure her and tell her that you love her, that she won't disappoint you and you won't just up and leave.

Also I tend to sometimes assume that people know I love them, because if I didn't I wouldn't spend time with them, or let them touch me at all. For example there's no way I'd be bothered to bake you biscuits because you're sad or it's your birthday, if I didn't like you. It wouldn't occur to me to do that for someone I don't like.

I also find it hard to trust people, with my inner thoughts and feelings. It's a way of protecting myself. Maybe you could tell her something about you that no one else knows, a secret.

As for texting and talking on the phone. I loathe talking on the phone. I will only do it if there is no other option. I also tend to get distracted, it doesn't mean that I've forgotten about you or that I'm not thinking about you. It just means that I'm intensely focused and time gets away from me.

I'm not sure what else to say. But hopefully this might give you an idea of what it could be like in her head.

@spock - It is possible she is cautious showing attention, I'm not quite sure. But I do pick up on little things usually, and I haven't seen many attempts even in that realm.

@alice - Thank you! It's almost like you're describing her when you describe your own thoughts. I do realise there is a great fear of rejection or humiliation for most people, but for folks with Asperger's it must be multiplied because many are already shy as it is. I will have to try the animal approach one of these days. I will also have to tell her no matter what she does, she can't disappoint me or say the wrong thing. I have said this before, but I guess reminders are necessary. Thank you again for opening a door into the mind of an Aspie female that fits the profile! I may even print out what you've said and keep it somewhere as a reminder

Glad to help. I hope it works out.