I don't have the freedom to date. AS related?

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I'm in my late 20s but I still live at home. The problem is that I nearly always have my meals at home, the only time I have a meal out is either as part of a charity lunch group or when that is what my 2 male friends and I are doing, and I'm definitely not gay or bi. The same applies for going to the cinema and because I'm autistic, I only have two friends who I socialize with. So my parents are used to that idea and if I was to say I was going out for a meal or going to the cinema outside of that and also outside of the charity lunch group, questions would be asked.

At the moment I'm a regular in one of the local cafés and this young woman who works there has been doing things like saying "hi" to me enthusiastically for a while now and also trying to find time to chat to me but I'm dreading the moment where she would ask me out because I would have to say that although it wouldn't be rejection as I am interested, it just wouldn't be possible currently. For those of you thinking: "move out", I'd really like to as my parents have grown old and grumpy but it'll be another one or two years before I'm ready.

I'm just thinking about hearing the mother of a fellow Aspie saying that he sits in a lot as well. It came up in a totally different context though and I've only spoken to her twice, both about a one-off outing that my psychologist helped to arrange. So is this a unique situation or is this common in the autistic sphere? We'll have to get a name for the autistic world. Any help with the situation itself will also be welcome. Sorry for all the reading!

what's wrong with your parents asking questions?

They would ask why, thinking I was up to something, which of course I wouldn't be.

would they not allow you to date? or would you just be uncomfortable talking to them about it?

Methinks you should be more assertive. There's no reason your parents should have to be overprotective of you at this age. I had friends from New York come to visit me(and that's a 6 hour drive from where they live), only to be sent home after 2 hours because I was too much of a pansy to ask my parents if they'd let them stay over. They said they would have been fine with it if they'd known ahead of time. I guess it must be anxiety, which could be part of AS. Even so, you just have to learn to be confident in yourself and make your own decisions.

It's a guy thing, it might also have a lot to do with my Asperger's but the impression I get is that guys feel embarrassed if their parents know about their girlfriends and so hide their relationships from them until they get serious enough with someone.

Following on from that and in reply to Boxman108, thanks for your suggestion but unfortunately if I did that they would ask who I'm meeting and then . . . do I just make something up like saying I'm meeting friends from college and tell them a white lie?

you don't need to tell them it's a girlfriend, you are just going out with a friend, make it sound really casual.
if you don't go on dates regularly then it's normal for them to notice something or even ask some questions, but once you start going out more they will get used to it.

I read the OP's post twice.

I can't find anything in there that says he doesn't have the freedom to date. They seem to be perfectly ok with him going out and hanging out with friends or going out to the cafe.

Why not just say your going out with a new friend from the cafe? I mean they might ask a few questions but your 20's. They'll prob be happy for you.

Methinks you are afraid of the change, and using this as an excuse to keep the status quo.

So ayla, you're saying that once enough time has passed in this college course that I've just started, that I should say something like: "A couple of friends from college want to know if I want to go to . . .". That's the solution I was thinking but I would have to lie to them. However I guess it's the only solution. The question there is, would the young woman be willing to wait?

Here's a bit more background: I didn't really go out on my own much, at all until 2010, a year after my diagnosis. Now, I walk to the shopping centre, I walk down the town, and I sometimes get the bus to the neighbouring town as long as I'm back on it within an hour of getting off. The whitrbbit, the problem is that they would get suspicious if I introduced something new into the mix, even though I wouldn't break the law and so the solution I've just stated, although not perfect, is the only one I can come up with.

It's nearly 20 past 1 in the morning here, the radio shows that I listen to on a Saturday night/Sunday morning have just ended and I'm going to bed. I don't want to sound ungrateful though, please if anyone else posts I will check back later. Thanks for all the help so far.

I don't understand how lying to them is the only solution, you just want to go out with a friend it's not illegal.

What I said is the first time you tell them you are going out with a girl they may freak out, ask a ton of questions, make you feel super embarrassed, then the second time it will be less painful, the third time less painful, etc. until they get used to the idea of you socializing with more people than your 2 male friends.

Wait, so are you playactin to conform to a behaviour because you've read is typically male?
I understand not wanting to give parents the impression that it's serious. because then they ask innappropriate questions and get involved (my mom is like friends with my boyfriend now...do not like).
Could you say something like "Met somebody cool at xyz, we're going to hang out at xyz be back at xyz.", let's them know it'sa new person without getting too much into detail, or do you think they'd press?

In the end though, it's your life so if you really want to get out there you may have to bite the bullet with the embarrassment. There are worse things.

They shouldn't get suspicious if you tell them who your going out with, where your going, and when you'll be back.

I think your either reading WAY to much into this or this is one of the most extreme cases of infantalization I've seen yet.

Why not just um, go date someone?

You don't have to hide it. It's not a crime. Go do it.

I guess it's so hard because I've never ever been on a date and we don't even talk about the subject in the house. I mean there's never been anyone who we've been talking about who's been linked to me. Plus I'm stuck in a rut and my parents are used to the routines I'm in, that's what I'm reading into it. That because 1 I've never been linked with anyone, 2 they like setting my dinner down to me at home and 3 they're used to me either going out to the cinema or for a meal every 2 or 3 weeks when both my male friends can make it. So due to all that I think that if I tried to introduce anything new their reaction would be "what???". So I was kinda already thinking about what ayla said but just reading it again there now has made me realise that. There's also a question of trust, I know I'm not going to do anything wrong, at least not intentionally but they don't know that. I'm just thinking that that might be where all this is stemming from. However the only way to build trust is through experience.

Oh it was so easy for my NT brother, even though he's 6 years older than me relatively speaking he moved out when he was at a younger age than I am now and he moved to a different part of the UK entirely so he didn't even have to try in order to hide any relationships he had before he got married. When he was flying home with his girlfriend who he's now married to all he had to say was "A N Other" and because he wasn't physically there they couldn't find out otherwise until we got to the airport.

In other words, you just do not want them to ask questions? I can relate to that. I act as if I am not interested in girls when my parents are around because I really do not want them questioning my lack of social life. I prefer them in their current state, acting as if there is nothing wrong with me and never asking questions. This applies mostly to my mother, since I live with her.

Anyway, if I ever go out with a girl, I will not worry about questions. I will simply tell them that I am going out with a friend. I do not have to explain everything in details.

I can relate, I don't let my parents know I am dating because they would start asking questions, hell I don't even tell friends because I HATE pestering questions.