Coping with being an ugly male

Post Reply New Topic

So... as you may have inferred by the title I haven't been fortunate in the looks department I used to think I was decent looking as a young-middle teenager, actually but somewhere down the line (around 17 to 19 years old) something went wrong and my features sort of look....wrong. I don't look fully formed or masculinized, my jawline is weak (receeding chin), my body is strangley shaped, I'm short statured (5ft8.5 - and yes it is short... just ask girls), I can't grow any facial hair, I'm deathly pale, and my face is peevish and unattractive. I've been told it a milllion times and i'll admit it hurts every time, but worst of all is the looks I get as I walk down the street, the purposeful social exclusion througout my college, university and young adult life etc. Being ugly you really see how much average-attractive people take their looks for granted. Everything is 10x harder being an ugly male, not that im self pitying (done all that haha) but just to leave the house takes herculean amounts of courage.

Im 34 now and my life has pretty much been f****d over by my looks. From me dropping out of uni because of bullying, exclusion and being rejected by girls to my loss of motivation in life and apathetic state. Ive got somewhat of a reputation in the local community as a bit of a freakshow since i'm mostly housebound and take no pride in my looks. Worst of all is the fact that I havent had any sex action at all. Of course I still have a man sized libido but i've had to really fight to repress it/divert it and I suppose ive succeeded. Man it depresses me to f**k when I see hot girls or couples, and in the end I always end up reutrning to my little room.

Im pretty much a failure. I have been unable to work for 11 years and I'm on disability benefits due to depression. My folks feel sorry for me because im...me. They didn't experience what I went through (my mum met my dad at 17 he was 20, and they were both reasonably goodlooking). I also have an older brother who was blessed with better looks, much btter looks. He's 6ft2 and a 7/10 in the face and has never gone without a girlfriend since 13. It was VERY PAINFUL watching him bring home pretty girls who had crushes on him when we were both teenagers.

I dont bother socialising because the whole social hierarchy just makes matters worse (ugly guys are at the bottom and are treated like court jesters). Man I feel like a prisoner in my own body. Suicide has crossed my mind countless times, but ive got this residual belief in God and my family cares for me which stops me. Countless times i've considered that this might be hell or purgatory and the pain gets so bad sometimes that I dont even need to convince myself. And it all comes down to the way I look.

Sounds pathetic I know, but I never had any problems with life before I realised that I was ugly. Before, I was dimly aware that I wasnt attractive but ugly? That was a word I associated with disfigurement quasimodo etc, turns out im in the same league by the world's estimation. If I were good looking i'd take the world by storm, I have talents, but as it is i'm just too beaten down by it all to care about.. well anything.

Anyways rant over, guess I needed to vent. The original question I had was how do you guys cope with being ugly? You can answer hypothetically too lol. I think its an interesting question since physical attractiveness is a necessary prerequisite for a lot in society.

Not exactly a super-model myself, I can only advice you: At least work out. It will help building self-esteem, and physical activity makes you happy. Also, better be ugly and buff than ugly and flabby. Women react positively to a strong and healthy body, and if you do not become a show-off once you are there, it shows that you are both determined and humble, and there is definitely women out there who value these two properties greatly.

This is definitely the best advice, if you have a larger head, have curtains like me or grow a facial hair style and find a style that works for you.

There are things you can do to improve your looks such as getting in shape, finding a hair style and facial hair style that works for your face, getting presentable clothing and again working on your body. Practice the way you speak and speak more confidently like an actor, your voice is also a very important factor to women.

You are 5'8, at that type of height, you would only need to be about 180-190 to look muscular and built.

Tom Hardy was around 180 lbs in the film warrior.

Agree

How you carry yourself is a pretty big deal, self-confidence makes a huge difference when it comes to attractiveness. If you walk around thinking you're ugly then that's how other people are going to view you.

We'll assume for a moment that you're being completely objective here(which is doubtful) and you really are just horrible looking. There are plenty of things you can do to raise your attractiveness. Changing your dress style is a big one, that would help a ton with attractiveness if you dressed in a way attractive, confident people do. It would take some attention away from your face. Being in good physical shape is also a big one, and would also distract people from your face. Both of these would have a real effect on your self confidence, which might be the most important of all in people finding you attractive.

There's things you can do to improve your situation, you just have to focus on improving yourself.

Not wanting to turn this into yet another "Become a beefcake to get p****"-type of affairs, but in general, the fact that both and men and women alike tend to go for looks first is both a curse and a blessing. It is a curse if you do not compare well to standards of beauty, but looks can be changed. Changing some basic personality quirks might as well be easy, but doing a complete personality overhaul is something that cannot be acquired fast - if at all. If you do not feel confident the way you look, change the way you look. What's the worst that could happen?
For me, it did help to find a some kind of model. Tom Hardy is actually a good example (allthough maybe not the "Bane" Tom Hardy... to me, that was a bit too much, and they definitely went for bulk over definition when building him up for that role). This is what it started for me: I saw some videos of late K-1 legend Andy Hug, and thought to myself: That's it, that is how you want to look like... not sure if I will ever reach that goal, but hey, you never know if you get there if you don't start moving. I know it am getting all cliché Zen-Mr.Miyagi-Eso-like, but even the longest journey starts with the first step. And it doesn't matter how old you are, or how many people pitty you or belittle you, what do you have to prove them? You owe them nothing. Only person that matters is you, how you feel, what you want, and how you are going to get it. Prove yourself that you are not the type of person everybody wants you make believe you are. I mean, I don't know you, but I have seen some many people change right here on this board - me included - for the better because of the support they got here.

I am almost exactly like Ratae, except for being younger and leaving the house sometimes. I have Marfan syndrome, and it messed up my body, and my skull. You can't really see it in pictures, but I look like a pterodactyl from the side, basically. Not even joking. I don't have a chin at all. My teeth don't come together (prognathism). The left side of my ribcage is completely flat, almost, although most people don't notice unless I tell them. Of course, the pictures I post tend to hide those things, so in pictures I actually look decent.

I get nasty looks all the time as well, no matter if I smile or frown. Sometimes I get the odd person that likes my smile or thinks I'm cute but they're usually old enough to be my grandma. It's never girls my age. Even worse, I get guys who say the same thing.

So from one ugly male to another, I can feel your pain.

EDIT: Also, someone said your voice is an important thing to women. My voice tends to scare away women or make them think I'm ret*d (I have a deep voice but I have a slur on top of it, and apparently sometimes I talk really slowly). So that's another strike.

I have observed that true "ugly" as in "nobody would touch that with a borrowed 10' pole" does not really exist.

Yes we have seen ugly, but I think it comes from two things: 1. the person who is really uglied up has already gotten to that point mentally, either in a moral sense or in a self-esteem sense. And 2. the ugly person is having issues over which appearance is not on the radar or they don't care.

The truth is, the majority of the human population are neither extremely attractive nor extremely unattractive. Most of us are average.
In all probability this poster is not extremely unattractive, he's more than likely average but due to his lack of confidence and self-belief he feels a lot uglier than he actually is.
The problem is with aspergers, you're more unlikely to find love because the majority of the human population is neurotypical.
We find a lot of social abilities that come natural to them a lot more difficult resulting in less statistical chance of finding a mate.
So unfortunately then we start to question ourselves, i.e questioning our appearance, and other traits.

I'll finish by saying to the OP, DO NOT GIVE UP - Try different things, join a club, make more friends.
You see, the more friends we have the more likely we are to find love.

Two words. Brian. Peppers.

That.... that is a VERY good point! Time to stop mourning and get exercising! Whether I attract someone or not - I'll feel better in general and better about myself.

Surprising what can motivate a person. Thanks!

When people exercise, they segregate endorphins so they are happier.

And all that new energy they have acquired attract people!

then i must be unhuman because i find working out to be super depressing.

That and very exhausting.

I had the same problem... had to push through for about 2 months straight of absolutely hating every minute of it and being both physically and mentally exhausted. After that time, it started to grow on me, and now not a single day goes by where I do not work out, and I wouldn't be complete without it... it just feels great now. For some people, these things of to grow on them before they can enjoy them.