Dating Batman-Looking for advice on an AS/NT relationship

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Hey everyone

So I just have an experience I would like to share, am looking for a bit of advice. I recently started dating someone who has Aspergers (Im NT though the fact that the two major relationships in my life have been with someone on the spectrum leads me to question to what degree). Fascinated mostly by the fact that I'm quite intelligent (I study biophysics, and science is my greatest passion) he felt he could relate to me. For a few days he texted me day and night and we had four "dates" the first week we started seeing each other, all initiated by him. Over the course of a month he introduced me to his friends and invited me to events with his family. After that month of seeing each other I brought up that I wanted a commitment proportional to physical intimacy, and wanted to introduce him to my friends. He completely closed off, mostly ignoring me for three weeks. I tried asking him if he wanted to stop seeing me but he assured me he liked me, because I liked math and physics. I tried reaching out to him but the same unresponsive behavior continued so assuming he no longer liked me I broke up with him over facebook chat (he likes electronic communication over personal, I wasn't being cruel). A conversation I had hoped would provide closure for me turned into three hours of us not understanding what the other one really wanted, after he asked me to "explain" why I was doing this. He said again he liked me but was "bad with people" and that "he was unsure about how to go about dating me because he was out of his emotional depth". I told him he had set a precedent with the constant interaction and meeting his family but he said he didn't understand why that meant he wanted a relationship. He referred to me as beautiful but said he wanted me as a friend, just as someone who he could talk about science with. I didn't understand why he wanted me as a friend if we couldn't also have the romantic element that we once had (we had much better sexual physical chemistry than verbal, verbal was almost non existent when not through online social media). I thought he was just saying he wanted to be friends for the sake of being nice. I ended the conversation defensively by saying I didn't wish to have any continued interaction with him.

I believe I've hurt him by saying I don't want to see him anymore, and would like try and reach out to him again, but I know neither of us is going to change what we want and am afraid of hurting/confusing him and myself further. I would never expect him to change. Basically I have this little metaphor going, about how dating/(being friends with?) him would be like dating Batman. On the one hand I know that he would always need privacy and alone time and wouldn't really share his feelings but on the other hand I don't want to not date/be friends with Batman, because he's super unique and awesome and can talk about multiverse theory with me. And wouldn't want him to stop being Batman for me because that's what makes him so special. He's one of the only people I feel I can really relate to and, knowing the he feels the same, I'm not entirely willing to him go. I'm just a little emotionally demanding and inquisitive so logically we don't work.

So, my question is, do you guys think should I bother reaching out to him? Or do you think it would be best for the both of us if Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne just left each other alone?

I honestly think you should reach out to him. He seems lonely, and confused about his own feelings for you. Has he had a relationship before you? He may not know how to proceed.

Dating an aspie, or having a long-term relationship with one can be a challenge. If he is able to accept his own mistakes and challenges due to AS, you may have a chance. It may take some time, but if you are both able to find a way to communicate through your problems, it will be worth it in the long run.

This seems to be a repeating theme.

For various reasons, it seems a lot of aspies can't handle physical intimacy. It seems to range the gammit from Asexuality to just not interested for various reasons to fear of being bad in bed.

Maybe Batman is just avoiding any romantic relationship with you to protect you, and himself but trust me, he likes you.

Have you been physically intimate? Maybe he's asexual.

It's not who he is underneath, but what he does that defines him.
Batman here is caught between love and protecting the world (which is in honesty, himself) from destruction (hurt, pain, misery) and to be honest... you'll have to find a way into his Batcave if you want to get close.
Plus it's either Catwoman or Poison Ivy, but I see your more fond of whips than plantation.

I can totally relate to this because I am in a similar situation. I was dating an Aspie guy for a brief period (I am NT) and he kind of did the same things. He "broke up" with me after he initiated a conversation about my ex boyfriends and whether my family would approve of him. It was strange, because he had started asking these questions and then we went on not seeing each other for a couple of days and then suddenly he sent me a text saying things felt slightly too serious for him.

He also said he felt attracted to me and that I am the type of girl he would want to date.

Unfortunately, for some reason he doesn't talk to me anymore despite the fact that he told me in person that he wanted to see me at least once a week.

I am still trying to figure out 1) if he (still/really) likes me and 2) why he suddenly doesn't talk to me anymore.

The only advice I can give is just wait and see. I would let him contact you rather than the other way around. I texted him about 4 times in the course of a month and he never texted me back... I would love to know what's going on with him, but I guess we as NT women will probably never know.

I personally know neither you nor Batman, so I really do not feel qualified to answer the question. I can, however, relate a personal situation as a rough metaphor, if you will, to give you one Autistic person's point-of-view. I hope it helps.

"I don't talk to women. And not for a lack of desire to do so. (I used to tally the number of women who rejected me, but after 30 I just stopped counting.) Women who respond to me are very few and far in-between. Women who actually like for the sake of liking me, without any sort of hidden personal agenda, are even rarer. So if someone I like actually likes me back, we connect and we make each other happy, that's someone I want to hold on to. It's not that I'm afraid of intimacy or commitment. I just can't put what I feel, that connection that we share, into words. And a commitment is just a label, and a label sometimes just seems like an unnecessary social institution that limits what you can and cannot do. The only purpose I see in a label is so one can change one's relationship status on Facebook. But I really like this girl. I find her presence enjoyable. She seems to genuinely like me, not just tolerate me like everyone else did. She thinks I'm interesting. In fact I'm comfortable having her in my life. We see each other twice a week, and I have grown accustomed to that.

I have a problem though. Every now and then she would tell me that she was giving me the best of her, but I wasn't meeting her halfway. She seems to think that she likes/loves me more than I like/love her. This is strange to me, because here I am, going out of my comfort zone, trying my best to show how much she means to me. I was under the impression that it was the other way around. But maybe I just don't have the ability to make this known to her - to make her feel exactly how I feel. Because I can't even articulate how I feel. It's like there's an unbridgeable gap between us that will always prevent us from knowing exactly what the other one is thinking and how the other one is feeling. And assuming that the both of us are crazy about each other, we will both inevitably feel unappreciated by the other eventually. Perhaps I'm just not built for relationships. Perhaps it's just not in the cards. I don't deserve her anyway. I can't keep her happy. She's an extremely beautiful human being, and she will no doubt find someone who will be able to make her happy. Who will make her feel beautiful, and wanted, and appreciated, and loved. I will never be able to learn how to do that. Not in this lifetime. So I guess her "breaking-up" with me, so to speak, is a good thing. It was very clear. I know where I stand, as I requested for her to tell me that there is someone else and she never wants to see me again. I never want to drag her down and stand in the way of her happiness. It's better this way...

I miss her though. I've invested so much in her. I've never had anyone who knew who I really was, nobody I could really talk to, until she came into my life. She saw something desirable, beneath all the unpleasantness, that everyone else seems to miss. Now I have no one to talk to about my day, and how people treated me and how I think I feel about it, or the books I read and the movies that I saw. No one will understand. No one will care. I miss my friend. But she probably doesn't want to talk to me. If she did she would have contacted me by now. She's probably with someone else now. Someone good, who can make her happy. That's good. She deserves someone like that. She's an amazing person. I like her... I think I even love her... But I won't try to get her back. That would be selfish. I can't make her happy. She deserves someone equipped for this. But still... I'd rather have her as a friend than not at all. I wish she would email me..."
- Palakol, pretending to be Batman

Good luck.

Probably why Batman prefers Robin - there's no sexual tension between them and, really, they help each other out, not like one is a parasite to the other.

Thanks so much everyone, for your insightful comments, shared experiences, and humorous continuation of the metaphor. I really appreciate it and read every post carefully. I think I am going to reach out to him once I get back from my vacation and ask him if he would like to hang out as just friends, and see where it goes from there. We have been physically intimate before and its gone well, but progressed slowly. Also he has been in a previous relationship but it ended badly and he was quite hurt. I think I just panicked because I was afraid of him not returning my feelings, but after really thinking about it I'm willing to take things slow or just be a friend if that's what he wants. Again, thanks so much for the help!